Blog and Media Collaboration

Physical activity: an overlooked key to good mental health.

In a world with so many responsibilities and distractions, safeguarding our mental well-being is critical. While there are many strategies to foster mental health, one of the most accessible and potent is often overlooked: physical activity. Whether it's a brisk walk in the park, a yoga session at home, or a game of basketball with friends, the benefits of staying active extend far beyond physical fitness.

Boosting Mood and Happiness

It's no secret that physical activity can lift our spirits. When we engage in exercise, our bodies release endorphins, often referred to as "feel-good hormones." These chemicals act as natural painkillers and stress relievers, promoting a sense of well-being and euphoria. Even a short bout of exercise can elevate mood and help combat feelings of anxiety and depression. So, the next time you're feeling down, consider taking a brief walk around one of the many beautiful parks nearby!

Reducing Stress and Anxiety

Life's pressures can sometimes feel overwhelming, but physical activity offers a powerful antidote. Regular exercise has been shown to reduce levels of cortisol, the body's primary stress hormone. By breaking a sweat, we not only release tension from our muscles but also clear our minds of worries and anxieties. Whether it's through the rhythmic motion of running or the meditative flow of yoga, exercise provides a place where we can temporarily escape the stresses of daily life.

Fostering Social Connections

Human beings are inherently social creatures, and physical activity provides an ideal opportunity to connect with others. Whether it's joining a sports team, attending group fitness classes, or simply going for a walk with a friend, exercising in the company of others can foster a sense of belonging. These social interactions not only enrich our lives but also serve as a source of support during challenging times. So, next time consider inviting a friend to join you for added motivation and enjoyment.

Wishing you health and happiness, Veritas Psychology Partners 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

What Are Phrases High-Level Thinkers Often Say? Plus, the 3-step guide to becoming a high-level thinker yourself.

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

High-level thinking is a bit like being a skilled chef in a bustling kitchen, where instead of juggling pots and pans, you're juggling complex ideas, patterns, and abstract concepts. It involves stepping back from the immediate details to view the bigger picture, making connections between seemingly unrelated ideas, and employing critical and creative thinking skills to solve problems in innovative ways.

The benefits of high-level thinking are akin to having a Swiss Army knife for your brain. It enhances your problem-solving abilities, makes you more adaptable to change, and improves your capacity to understand others' perspectives. This kind of thinking boosts your creativity, helps in making more informed decisions, increases empathy, and generally makes you a more insightful and interesting person to hang around with at parties.

People who have honed and practiced high-level thinking skills often show us by first slowing down before moving forward. Their ideas and suggestions are more like a complex photo or image that when you look closely are really made up for smaller images to form a larger one. 

• "Let's look at this from a different angle." This shows their willingness to explore alternative perspectives and find novel solutions.

• "What's the bigger picture here?" They're adept at zooming out to see how the pieces fit together, understanding that details are part of larger systems.

• "How does this connect to what we were discussing earlier?" Demonstrating their ability to draw parallels and link ideas across different contexts.

• "What if we approached it this way instead?" or “let’s see if we can do more with less”. Suggesting flexibility and creativity in problem-solving. These are people who don’t just advocate buying new, but find creative ways to use what they already have in new ways. 

• "Let's break down the assumptions we're making." They challenge the status quo and question underlying beliefs, which can lead to breakthrough insights.

• "Can we find a pattern?" Looking for patterns is a hallmark of strategic thinking, crucial for predicting and planning.

• "What are the potential ripple effects?" Considering the broader consequences of decisions shows an understanding of cause and effect on a complex level. They are thoughtful and slow to respond because they are performing some mental gymnastics before they weigh in. 

On the flip side, something someone with high-level thinking wouldn’t say is "That's just the way it is." This statement closes the door on questioning, curiosity, and the possibility of change—antithetical to the very nature of high-level thinking, which thrives on open-ended questions and the potential for innovation.

To cultivate high-level thinking, consider these three top tips:

1. Embrace Curiosity: Like a child marveling at the world, ask 'why' frequently. Dive into topics outside your comfort zone to broaden your perspective. Implement this by adopting a 'learner's mindset,' where you see every experience as an opportunity to grow. This way of thinking also forestalls judgment until you have seen all the angles. High-level thinkers tend to be less prone to jump to a conclusion, which is a hallmark of “fast thinking”. 

2. Practice Reflection: Set aside time for regular reflection on your experiences and what you've learned. This can be through journaling, meditation, or thoughtful discussion with others. It helps to cement the connections and insights you've made.

3. Engage with Diverse Perspectives: Surround yourself with people and situations that challenge your thinking. This can be through experience, books, podcasts, or conversations with individuals from different backgrounds and disciplines. Implementing this involves actively seeking out and listening to voices that differ from your own, which can help you develop a more nuanced and comprehensive understanding of the world. It embraces the mindset that you have something new to learn each day and actively seek that opportunity. 

While Einstein and Da Vinci were definitely high-level thinkers, we can be too. This is a skill that can be nurtured and developed. Committing to high-level thinking is a practice that adds depth to your personal and professional life as well as to those around you.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

May is Mental Health Month!

May is right around the corner! As the flowers bloom and the temperatures warm, May not only brings a change in season but also marks a significant month for mental well-being: Mental Health Awareness Month. This month, we are dedicated to raising awareness about mental health, breaking the stigma, and creating a community that supports mental wellness.

Mental health and wellbeing is essential at every stage of life, from childhood and adolescence through adulthood. It encompasses our emotional, psychological, and social well-being, affecting how we think, feel, and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make choices.

Why Focus on Mental Health?

• Breaking the Stigma: Many people with mental health issues do not seek help due to the stigma. By talking openly, we can break down barriers and foster a more supportive environment.

• Early Support Makes a Difference: Early intervention can help reduce the severity of mental illness. It's crucial to support one another and encourage those who need help to seek it.

• Building a Supportive Community: Our community can play a key role in supporting those who are struggling. Let’s ensure that everyone knows they are not alone and that help is available.

Helpful Resources:

• Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988 (call or text)

• Minnesota Warmline: 651-288-0400 or 855-WARMLINE or text 855111

• Full directory of warmlines for every state

Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. This May, let’s commit to being more mindful of our mental health and the health of those around us. If you or someone you know is struggling, we encourage you to reach out to the resources listed above.

Together, we can create a caring and supportive environment for everyone. Remember, you are not alone.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Gayle MacBride's Five Things Everyone Should Know About Postpartum Depression

Dr. Gayle MacBride was recently interviewed about Postpartum Depression by Authority Magazine (owned by Medium.com) about her: "Five Things Everyone Should Know About Postpartum Depression."

Check it out here.

And if you just want the tips, here's a direct link to the video.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

How can I stop over-apologizing at work, and what can I say instead?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question, and related questions. Here's her response:

For women navigating professional landscapes, mastering the art of assertive dialogue—especially when it involves disagreeing or asserting oneself without over-apologizing—becomes a crucial skill. This empowerment fosters leadership and credibility and also ensures that one's voice is a part of the decision making. If you are a high-achieving business woman, here’s how you can stop over-apologizing at work and what to say instead. 

Navigating Challenges with Assertiveness:

It's about shifting the narrative from apologizing for our presence or thoughts to confidently asserting our value. Practice active listening, choose the right moment to share your ideas, and use "I" statements to express your thoughts and feelings. This approach fosters a respectful and productive dialogue, where your professional insights are valued and your contributions recognized. Much of this involves us navigating the complexities of office power dynamics. Many people get trapped into the model of if someone has power, then I have less (Power Over models). Often women have internalized power messages and this can be why they try to come in soft and friendly and use “I’m sorry”, so as not to look like they are challenging a power structure. Instead, I’d like the reader to consider that very often women lead and use/experience power in a very different way. They use “tend and befriend”. This means we can be very skilled at navigating power differently, which looks more like power as an infinite resource (instead of finite and something to be amassed and hoarded). Power With and Power To are models of knowing the kind of power you hold and being intentional about sharing it with and giving it to individuals when needed. This means that we can create scenarios where we stay strong in our position and messaging even when “lending” our power to others. Below I share some ideas for navigating these conversations and shifting the power dynamic for the good. 

Practical Phrases to Use Instead of Apologizing:

I teach my clients to practice substituting “thank you” for “I’m sorry”. It’s a quick and easy substitution that can make your communication stronger. Save “I’m sorry” for a time when you really need to take ownership of a mistake or problem. (Also watch for hesitating or qualifying language. For example, when you add “just” to your message it weakens it slightly. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry for being 5 minutes late” vs “Thank you for waiting for me; I value your time. Let’s get started.”

In addition to the above you can try:

• Acknowledgment: Instead of apologizing, acknowledge the situation. E.g., “I recognize that this situation is challenging.” Or, “I appreciate your perspective. Here's another viewpoint..."

• Expressing Regret: “I wish things had turned out differently.”

• Offering a Solution: “Let’s work on a solution together.”

• Taking Responsibility: “I see how my actions contributed to this issue, and here’s how I plan to make it right.”

• Gratitude: Thank the other person for their patience or understanding, e.g., “Thank you for your patience as I work through this.”

• Asserting influence: share your experience or expertise, e.g., "From my experience, I believe..." or “I’d like to invite you…” Inviting a person allows you to be firm without being demanding. 

• Requesting needs to be met: It is important that we are able to interject and make requests for needs to get met, even at work. Next time, try "Do you have a moment? I have an idea to discuss..." instead of, “I’m sorry to bother you.”

Stop saying I’m sorry, because:

• Dilutes the Meaning: Repeatedly saying "I'm sorry" for minor issues can dilute its meaning over time, making it less impactful when a genuine apology is needed.

• Habitual Apology: For some, apologizing becomes a reflex, even when you’re not at fault. This can undermine one’s self-confidence and make others perceive them as less assertive.

• Affirming Responsibility: Using phrases that articulate responsibility for specific actions rather than a blanket apology can demonstrate self-awareness and commitment to change.

• Building Confidence: Alternatives to "I'm sorry" can help build confidence by shifting the focus from guilt to problem-solving and improvement.

• Clarity and Precision: Being specific about what you regret or what you're going to change provides clarity and helps avoid misunderstandings.

• Active Problem-Solving: Instead of a passive apology, offering a solution or a plan to rectify the situation shows initiative and a proactive attitude.

• Reducing Resentment: Constant apologies, especially for things not directly one's fault, can lead to resentment in relationships and can escalate conflict. Alternatives can foster healthier interactions and don’t fan the flames of blame and finger pointing. 

• Balancing Dynamics: In relationships where one party constantly apologizes, it can create an imbalanced dynamic. Using alternative phrases can help maintain equality.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

How can I stop my excessive reassurance seeking from my partner?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question, and related questions. Here's her response:

Excessive reassurance seeking is a bit like being the mayor of an imaginary place called Reassurance Town. It’s what happens when our inner doubts and anxieties hold a little too much power, prompting us to seek constant approval from those around us. This behavior might come across as quirky or endearing at times, but it can also be a signal of deeper challenges, such as anxiety, insecurity, or self-doubt. In some cases, it's related to more significant issues like obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), trauma, and attachment issues. While looking for that extra thumbs-up might feel like a quick fix, it’s more like a band-aid solution. It can lead to a cycle that temporarily eases worries without tackling the underlying causes. Seeking reassurance from a partner can give us a little taste of dopamine and with a hint of oxytocin. This reward and love chemical combo is a bit like hitting on a slot machine, it definitely makes us want to go back for more. Understanding this can be a step towards addressing the root of the problem, rather than just the symptoms.

How can constant reassurance seeking impact a relationship?

Consistently pressing the panic button for reassurance can really put a relationship on a roller coaster ride – full of ups, downs, and unexpected turns. It might leave one partner feeling more like a round-the-clock support hotline rather than a significant other, which can dim the spark of romance. Every chat could start feeling like you're picking up emotional luggage, which is exhausting for everyone involved. On the flip side, the one always seeking reassurance might actually become more anxious about the relationship's stability, potentially spiraling into the very worries they hoped to avoid. This cycle can strain the partnership, leading to feelings of frustration and imbalance. As the reassurance-seeking partner frets more about the relationship's future, it only fuels the behavior, creating a challenging loop to break.

What are some actionable tips to help break free of your own reassurance seeking behaviors in a relationship? 

• Acknowledging Your Patterns: Start by owning up to your reassurance-seeking habits. Recognize when and why you're reaching for that "all clear" signal which may be coming in the form of dopamine and oxytocin, which are high reward chemical reactions for us. Noticing this pattern is the first step towards independence from needing constant validation.

• Soothing Strategies: Cultivate calmness with techniques that help you maintain your cool. This could be anything from deep breathing exercises to immersing yourself in a hobby or your favorite music. Find what works to flip your calm switch.

• Open Communication: It's crucial to have honest discussions with your partner. Let them know you're actively working on reducing your reassurance needs. Shift the conversation from constant reassurance questions to tackling issues together, as a team.

• Professional Guidance: Don't shy away from seeking help from a therapist. They're trained to navigate through our unique challenges and can offer new perspectives and strategies to manage our anxieties and behaviors effectively.

• Boosting Self-Esteem: Enhance your self-confidence through small victories and self-care. Setting achievable goals, practicing self-compassion, and engaging in positive self-affirmations can significantly impact your self-perception.

• Patience and Humor: Approach your journey of self-improvement with patience and a light heart. Change doesn't happen overnight, but with consistent effort and a dash of humor, the path to feeling more secure and less dependent on reassurance can be a rewarding one.

Combining these approaches offers a more comprehensive guide to managing reassurance-seeking behavior, blending practical advice with understanding and support for a healthier, more balanced relationship with yourself and your partner.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

How can you build emotional intimacy with your partner?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question, and related questions. Here's her response:

First of all, think of emotional intimacy as having a VIP pass into each other's heart and mind. It's about being so in sync that you can share your weirdest thoughts or deepest fears without worrying about being judged. Imagine being able to say, "I cried over a commercial this morning," and getting a hug instead of a weird look. It's about creating a cozy, judgment-free zone where all secrets are safe, and silent support speaks volumes. But, the key is that both partners are sharing–it needs to be reciprocated and reciprocal.

Having emotional intimacy in your relationship is like having a secret superpower. It turns "you and me" into an invincible "we" that can face anything from minor annoyances (like who forgot to replace the toilet roll) to major life storms. It’s the difference between having a roommate who simply shares your living space and a partner who’s your rock, your cheerleader, and sometimes, your personal stand-up comedian. Plus, it’s good for your health - like eating your veggies but way more fun. No, seriously research by the Gottmans (Drs. John and Julie Gottman) and others have shown that we live longer and healthier when we have this kind of satisfaction in our intimate relationships. 

So, great, how do you build emotional intimacy then? There are lots of ways, but here are a few suggestions.

• Talk it out: Share your day, your dreams, or that bizarre dream where you were a singing pineapple. Listen to their stories with all ears, even if they're about something as thrilling as finding a great parking spot. The Gottmans call this “Love Maps”. This is when our partner can answer all kinds of questions about us. They have a good maps of our emotional landscape.

• Quality time is the best time: Find cool stuff to do together. It could be binge-watching that show everyone's talking about or exploring the great outdoors. Just make sure phones are on silent. Your Instagram feed can wait.

• Say thanks: Show some love for the little things. A simple "thanks for dealing with the spider invasion" can mean a lot and goes a long way. It's about noticing and appreciating each other, often and for even the little things.

• Be their cheerleader: Support them through highs and lows, whether they're aiming for a promotion or just trying to fix the leaky faucet. Your "You've got this!" can be the boost they need.

• Trust is a must: Keep promises, share secrets, and be their confidante. Remember, trust is like an antique vase - hard to fix if broken.

• Cuddle up: Never underestimate the power of a good cuddle. It's like a warm blanket for the soul. All mammals need, may thrive on touch. It’s essential for our well being, just be sure you know how and when your partner likes to be touched.

• Try new things together: Whether it's a cooking class or skydiving, new adventures create unforgettable memories and bring you closer.

• Walk in their shoes: Try to see the world from their perspective, especially during disagreements. Empathy can turn a potential argument into a moment of understanding.

• Assume positive intent: simply put, assume the best in your partner. They are your teammate, not plotting your demise! It's like deciding they're handing you flowers, not secretly planting cacti. It’s easy to say, but hard to always follow through on. Assuming the best can turn even a potential squabble into just another quirky adventure together.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Why is acceptance important when it comes to managing a mental health diagnosis, and living well with it?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question, and related questions. Here's her response:

Acceptance is receiving something without trying to change it. With regard to a mental health diagnosis, it is important to accept/receive the diagnosis, without necessarily trying to change the fact that you have the diagnosis (although that part can take some time). It allows the individual to focus on their responsibility and capability to live well in the context of the symptoms they may have as well as do the things in their power to mitigate relapses. We find that resigning to a diagnosis or fighting it leads to much more time spent negotiating about the diagnosis or even denying the existence of symptoms, which does not create healthy circumstances for focusing on the aspects of this that are within one’s own control.

How can psychoeducation help someone accept a diagnosis?

Psychoeducation can be incredibly therapeutic because it allows an individual with a mental health diagnosis learn about the diagnosis and its symptoms in a way that can be separate from themselves. This separation can lead to an increased ability to accept themselves and the diagnosis without judgment and increase self-compassion. Frequently, when clients come to me and we begin reviewing symptoms, which leads to a diagnosis, and I can explain to them how and why those symptoms are related to the diagnosis, they are quite relieved. The most frequent thing they tell me is, “So, I'm not the only one?” Also, clients report great relief at even knowing there is a name for what they’ve been experiencing and, even better, a possible treatment for it.

How can support from others -- like peer support groups -- help someone accept a diagnosis?

Belonging is a core human need. Peer support groups allow people to connect around something they have in common and helps people feel like they are in the right place with the right people. In this case it's a mental health friendly community. Encouraging individuals to connect in a group setting puts people together who have varying levels of acceptance and experience with a particular mental health diagnosis or set of symptoms. Increasing exposure to others who have lived with this illness can help others see a path forward, instead of getting stuck in "a deficit mindset”. As with above, it helps to know they are not alone in their diagnosis.

This is one of the reasons that the Mental Health Recovery movement began utilizing the expertise and services of Peer Support Specialists. These are individuals who have been trained to support others about their mental health diagnosis. This also shows individuals who have mental health diagnosis that the professional mental health community is not the only place they can turn to for resources and ideas about ways to live their fullest life.

What else can someone do to work toward accepting a mental health diagnosis?

Self-compassion is key to accepting a mental health diagnosis. Using gentle and accurate self-talk can improve self-compassion, which in turn increases the likelihood that someone can experience their mental health diagnosis from the perspective of acceptance, rather than resignation, which in turn increases the success of treatment because it returns the autonomy to the individual.

For some people it is important to process the grief that is associated with a mental health diagnosis. Most of us don't wish to grow up with or later be diagnosed with a mental health problem, so we may need to grieve what we have lost. The thing that is lost may just be a construct or idea, but it is something that was treasured by the individual. Allowing this grief can be key to moving through the process of accepting a mental health diagnosis. The work of David Kessler builds on the work of Elizabeth Kubler Ross and suggests that the sixth stage of grief is “meaning making.” I find it helpful for individuals to find meaning in their diagnosis as a means of feeling as though they have fully accepted it. Sometimes this means they go on to be peer support specialists themselves or just simply have greater compassion and understanding for others who also have mental health diagnosis.

Is there anything else you'd like to add

For really great work outlining the steps to recovery, and therefore increasing the likelihood of acceptance, one should look at the Substance Abuse Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), as well as the excellent work of Mary Ellen Copeland and her Wellness Recovery Action Plan. Knowing the steps and having a plan to manage whatever may come along helps normalize what you're going through as well as mobilize resources when needed.

An important way that the community at large can encourage acceptance is to be sure to use person-first language. Person-first language ensures that when we are speaking about others who have mental health diagnosis we acknowledge their personhood before the illness. So instead of saying “she's bipolar,” it is more meaningful to indicate that “she is a woman with bipolar disorder,” thereby honoring her personhood before her diagnosis. Clients who have mental health diagnosis are more than their diagnosis and should be referred to in a way that is consistent with that mindset.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

The prevalence of postpartum depression

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by T. Duncan from The Check-up By SingleCare, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

How does postpartum depression differ from other types of depression?

The main difference in how we define and treat it is probably based on a question of timing.  We typically say that depression in the first year after a person has been pregnant is "postpartum depression" (PPD).  However, with that said research indicates there are probably differences in depression experienced by a birthing parent that is within the first 8 weeks postpartum and onset later in the postpartum period.  Later onset of depression may be more similar to what we call Major Depression. 

PPD is often triggered by significant hormonal changes/fluctuations (estrogen/progesterone and even thyroid changes), sleep deprivation, physical stress from childbirth, lack of social support, and the challenges of adjusting to parenthood.  If you have experiences depression or anxiety outside the perinatal time, you are at an increased risk for PPD and PPA (anxiety), which is only now getting some attention, but a very real thing that presents in my clients differently than PPD (and maybe outside the scope of this article). 

We also think things like genetics, body image, and recovery from delivery complications can cause PPD. 

Postpartum depression may include symptoms such as extreme fatigue, mood swings, irritability, feelings of guilt or inadequacy as a parent, changes in appetite, and difficulty bonding with the baby.  In PPD we typically see the fatigue and lack of energy kinds of symptoms (more what psychiatry and psychology call the negative symptoms - the things we aren't doing vs what we are).  In typical depression we tend to see more reporting of the typical "low mood" components of depression. With that more persistent sadness comes loss of interest in activities, changes in sleep patterns, changes in appetite, feelings of hopelessness, and difficulty concentrating.

Postpartum depression is more common in persons who have recently given birth and can be influenced by hormonal fluctuations and the challenges of new parenthood. 

If baby is struggling more than usual with feeding, sleeping, or has health complications we can see birthing parents struggle more with mood.  Other risk factors can include genetics or other psycho social stressors and perceived  lack of support.  Another risk factor can be income related stressors. 

Regular depression can affect individuals of any gender, age, or life stage, and it may have a genetic component.

PPD's prevalence rate is 50-85% ranging from postpartum depression all the way to the "baby blues".  This number and the above description does not reflect a condition called Postpartum psychosis. 

Postpartum depression may be treated with a combination of therapy (such as cognitive-behavioral therapy), support groups, and sometimes medication. However, medication choices may be limited for breastfeeding parents.

Regular depression can be treated with therapy, medication, or a combination of both, depending on the severity and individual preferences.

Can you discuss the psychological impact of PPD on a mother's relationship with her child?

• Bonding and attachment -  When left untreated, PPD can hinder bonding and healthy attachment due to the birthing parents limited interest in the newborn. 

• Perception of infant behavior - PPD can distort perception of the infant's behavior.  Birthing parents may misjudge or over interpret baby's signs as it can be colored by their depression or they might miss cues and signs as a result of their withdrawal. 

• Mother's judgment-  PPD can impair the birthing parent's attention to and judgment concerning safety again maybe influenced by the possibility of missing signals from the baby.  

• Breastfeeding - PPD can interfere with breastfeeding. It's a lot of work to breastfeed and depression, especially the more vegetative symptoms may interfere with doing this consistently. 

All of the above can result in impairment or limitations in the birthing parent's ability to care for their baby. 

What role does therapy play in the treatment of PPD?

Talk therapy can be very helpful.  My clients benefit from knowing what they are going through is normal and it's a safe place to talk about the things they think they would otherwise be negatively judged for even thinking (although it's usually very normal and understandable).  We also do a lot of work on getting into a good sleep routine or problem solve ways to gain social support, especially in those first few weeks and months. 

Otherwise, we apply typical Cognitive Behavioral  techniques to challenge negative automatic thoughts and create more accurate self-talk.

How do social and cultural factors influence the prevalence and treatment of PPD?

This is a very big question and is quite likely a dissertation out there about just this.  Expectations of giving birth varies widely by culture.  It can both be a risk factor or a mitigating one (it can help OR hinder). The NIH indicates that the data are really mixed.  I suspect because there are so many variables to control for in a study like this. We believe that if you are in a culture in which you perceive support after giving birth and can express emotions or worries openly, you probably find culture helpful.  If you believe you need to bear it in silence and must bond and be happy about parenthood, you might experience a greater risk for PPD. 

What are common misconceptions about PPD that you encounter in your practice?

Most commonly my clients miss reporting the 'baby blues' and can be a bit dismissive of these signs or may miss out on the chance to have a little self-compassion for the very hard and very wonderful thing they did (grow and give birth to another human).  They also tend to read to many books and try to find the "perfect" path.  Anytime you are looking for perfection you are setting yourself up.  They also tend to underestimate the value of sleep in those first few weeks.  I think they believe they can just "muscle though".

What advice would you give to family members supporting someone with PPD?

First and foremost, be proactive.  Go ahead and report signs and symptoms to your doctor right away. You don't have to take a medication or start talk therapy, but keeping a watchful eye on mood can help you get the help you need a little quicker.  

I love it when my pregnant and birthing parents come in before baby is born, we set up appointments leading up to and right after the birth.  We talk about expectations and do our best to make them realistic and achievable (like a sleep schedule). 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

What is Gaslighting, and how can I identify it?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

Understanding that gaslighting itself is a sneaky form of abuse is important to understanding it from more normative conflict in a relationship. We use the term “gaslighting” to mean everything from two people disagreeing and perhaps fighting in unfair ways, to bullying, to using position of power to cause someone else to question what they think they know. This is not to say that sometimes we don’t or can’t change our minds in a disagreement. In fact, this may be a very productive and healthy aspect of disagreement. In gaslighting, another person is using their position of power in a way to intentionally manipulate your understanding of the facts and causing you to question your own understanding of reality. 

What is gaslighting, really?

In short, gaslighting is abuse. It typically starts small and builds slowly. It’s the proverbial “frog in a boiling pot of water”. Place a frog in a boiling pot of water and it hops out quickly but start with cold water and slowly turn up the heat and it doesn’t know what is happening. Gaslighting works much the same way. This kind of abuse is when one person slowly adds “heat” by disagreeing, even when they truly know the facts. They are doing so to make the other question their own sense of reality. Creating this power differential, the abuser can take more control in a relationship. 

What is gaslighting often mistaken for?

Gaslighting can be mistaken for emotional attachment. The victim of the abuse may have strong feelings of love or loyalty to the abuser. They may also confuse the good moments with the abuser as a sign of hope or change. 

Sometimes gaslighting can look like the abuser being protective of the victim, because they have the victim convinced they can’t function without the abuser. This can be a function of low self-esteem. Lower self-esteem can be something that makes the abuser choose the victim or can be a function of slow and constant berating from the abuser. 

Gaslighting can also look like support when it’s really a function of isolation and dependence created by the abuser. First, they will carve away your support system resulting in isolation, and they may create financial/emotional/social/etc dependency. The only place the victim can have any of these things is through the abuser. This leads victims to feel like they cannot leave, they have nowhere to go. 

Victims will normalize the abuser’s behaviors and might even justify what is happening.

What are subtle signs of gaslighting? 

Trivializing Your Feelings: You express hurt over a joke made at your expense, and the response is, "Can't you take a joke? You're too sensitive." The gaslighter may belittle or dismiss your emotions, making you feel like your reactions are overblown or unwarranted. This kind of gaslighting makes you question the validity of your feelings and can lead you to believe you're overreacting. The goal is to minimize your emotional experience and even decrease the chances you’ll object in the future. 

Denying They Said Something, Even When You Have Proof: Confronting the abuser with a text they sent, and they outright deny ever sending it or insist you must have misunderstood or imagined it. This is a classic gaslighting technique designed to make you doubt your memory or sanity. This technique targets your trust in your own memory and perception of events. This leads to self-doubt over time.

Accuses You of Withholding Information: The flip side of this is when the victim shares information, like plans after work and the abuser denies any knowledge of such a plan. In fact, they might say something like, "You never told me you were going out after work today. Are you sure? I think I would have remembered something like that. This always happens! I think you are hiding something!” Flipping the script (or projecting) like this is startling and leaves the victim on the defense and trying to “make it up” to the abuser. 

Pretending To Not Understand: You try to discuss something important, the abuser might say, "I don't understand what you're talking about," despite providing very clear explanations. The gaslighter pretends not to understand you or refuses to listen, making you feel isolated or unreasonable. This tactic makes you question your communication skills and the validity of your concerns or ideas. 

Countering: You recall a specific detail about a conversation, and they say, "That's not at all how it happened." The gaslighter questions your memory of events, even when you might be slightly unsure. This tactic takes advantage of the natural human memory imperfections, making you more reliant on the gaslighter's version of reality.

Shifting Blame: You might bring up something hurtful the gaslighter did, and the reply is, "Well, you've done the same thing to me," even if it's unrelated. The gaslighter turns the conversation to highlight your faults instead of addressing the issue at hand. They might even exaggerate their own hurt in any given situation to heighten the pressure to talk about their example, leaving yours in the dust. It diverts attention away from their actions and makes you defend yourself instead.

Using Compassionate Language as a Weapon: "I worry about you; you always get these things mixed up," under the guise of concern. They might use affectionate language while subtly undermining you, making it harder to pinpoint the manipulation. Shrouding the manipulation in concern makes it difficult to challenge without feeling guilty or ungrateful to the abuser.

Projecting: Maybe out of the blue the gaslighter accuses their partner of being unfaithful and there is no basis for this attack. The gaslighter may accuse you of their own behaviors to deflect attention from their actions and it’s even more effective if they can place the blame on you. This puts you on the defensive. This is going to consume your energy and attention to disprove their baseless accusations instead of focusing on their behavior.

What do narcissists say during gaslighting?

• You’re overreacting.

• I didn’t say that.

• You are imaging or making things up.

• You are just insecure/jealous.

• You are acting crazy and I’m not the only person who thinks so.

• You need help. 

• You are the problem, not me.

• You are lucky you have me because I’m the only one who gets you.

What is your No. 1 phrase for shutting down gaslighting, and why do you recommend it?

“I would like to stick to the original issue that we were talking about. If you would like, we can set some time aside later to talk about what I have done to upset you.” Always deliver this in a firm, neutral tone of voice that indicates that this is not a negotiation. 

This tactic is great because it lets the person being gaslit to self-validate their feelings and experiences, and it establishes that they are willing and able to set a healthy boundary. By agreeing to discuss the concerns of the other person at another time, they are leaning into the idea that they are not perfect and might have growth work to do, which is not something that gaslighters are able to do. It gets us around the whole “you think you are so perfect?” thing. This is the kind of phrase that is helpful in limiting the escalation of a conflict. These kinds of tense situations can become a tinderbox for a full-blown argument. A neutral response like this can help keep things calm during those tense moments. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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How does postpartum depression differ from other types of depression?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question, and related questions. Here's her response:

The main difference in how we define and treat it is probably based on a question of timing.  We typically say that depression in the first year after a person has been pregnant is "postpartum depression" (PPD).  However, with that said research indicates there are probably differences in depression experienced by a birthing parent that is within the first 8 weeks postpartum and onset later in the postpartum period.  Later onset of depression may be more similar to what we call Major Depression. 

PPD is often triggered by significant hormonal changes/fluctuations (estrogen/progesterone and even thyroid changes), sleep deprivation, physical stress from childbirth, lack of social support, and the challenges of adjusting to parenthood.  If you have experiences depression or anxiety outside the perinatal time, you are at an increased risk for PPD and PPA (anxiety), which is only now getting some attention, but a very real thing that presents in my clients differently than PPD (and maybe outside the scope of this article). 

We also think things like genetics, body image, and recovery from delivery complications can cause PPD. 

Postpartum depression may include symptoms such as extreme fatigue, mood swings, irritability, feelings of guilt or inadequacy as a parent, changes in appetite, and difficulty bonding with the baby.  In PPD we typically see the fatigue and lack of energy kinds of symptoms (more what psychiatry and psychology call the negative symptoms - the things we aren't doing vs what we are).  In typical depression we tend to see more reporting of the typical "low mood" components of depression. With that more persistent sadness comes loss of interest in activities, changes in sleep patterns, changes in appetite, feelings of hopelessness, and difficulty concentrating.

Postpartum depression is more common in persons who have recently given birth and can be influenced by hormonal fluctuations and the challenges of new parenthood. 

If baby is struggling more than usual with feeding, sleeping, or has health complications we can see birthing parents struggle more with mood.  Other risk factors can include genetics or other psycho social stressors and perceived  lack of support.  Another risk factor can be income related stressors. 

Regular depression can affect individuals of any gender, age, or life stage, and it may have a genetic component.

PPD's prevalence rate is 50-85% ranging from postpartum depression all the way to the "baby blues".  This number and the above description does not reflect a condition called Postpartum psychosis. 

Postpartum depression may be treated with a combination of therapy (such as cognitive-behavioral therapy), support groups, and sometimes medication. However, medication choices may be limited for breastfeeding parents.

Regular depression can be treated with therapy, medication, or a combination of both, depending on the severity and individual preferences.

Can you discuss the psychological impact of PPD on a mother's relationship with her child?

• Bonding and attachment -  When left untreated, PPD can hinder bonding and healthy attachment due to the birthing parents limited interest in the newborn. 

• Perception of infant behavior - PPD can distort perception of the infant's behavior.  Birthing parents may misjudge or over interpret baby's signs as it can be colored by their depression or they might miss cues and signs as a result of their withdrawal. 

• Mother's judgment -  PPD can impair the birthing parent's attention to and judgment concerning safety again maybe influenced by the possibility of missing signals from the baby.  

• Breastfeeding - PPD can interfere with breastfeeding. It's a lot of work to breastfeed and depression, especially the more vegetative symptoms may interfere with doing this consistently. 

All of the above can result in impairment or limitations in the birthing parent's ability to care for their baby. 

What role does therapy play in the treatment of PPD?

Talk therapy can be very helpful.  My clients benefit from knowing what they are going through is normal and it's a safe place to talk about the things they think they would otherwise be negatively judged for even thinking (although it's usually very normal and understandable).  We also do a lot of work on getting into a good sleep routine or problem solve ways to gain social support, especially in those first few weeks and months. 

Otherwise, we apply typical Cognitive Behavioral  techniques to challenge negative automatic thoughts and create more accurate self-talk.

How do social and cultural factors influence the prevalence and treatment of PPD?

This is a very big question and is quite likely a dissertation out there about just this.  Expectations of giving birth varies widely by culture.  It can both be a risk factor or a mitigating one (it can help OR hinder). The NIH indicates that the data are really mixed.  I suspect because there are so many variables to control for in a study like this. We believe that if you are in a culture in which you perceive support after giving birth and can express emotions or worries openly, you probably find culture helpful.  If you believe you need to bear it in silence and must bond and be happy about parenthood, you might experience a greater risk for PPD. 

What are common misconceptions about PPD that you encounter in your practice?

Most commonly my clients miss reporting the 'baby blues' and can be a bit dismissive of these signs or may miss out on the chance to have a little self-compassion for the very hard and very wonderful thing they did (grow and give birth to another human).  They also tend to read to many books and try to find the "perfect" path.  Anytime you are looking for perfection you are setting yourself up.  They also tend to underestimate the value of sleep in those first few weeks.  I think they believe they can just "muscle though".

What advice would you give to family members supporting someone with PPD?

First and foremost, be proactive.  Go ahead and report signs and symptoms to your doctor right away. You don't have to take a medication or start talk therapy, but keeping a watchful eye on mood can help you get the help you need a little quicker.  

I love it when my pregnant and birthing parents come in before baby is born, we set up appointments leading up to and right after the birth.  We talk about expectations and do our best to make them realistic and achievable (like a sleep schedule). 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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How can you shutdown a gossiping friend?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

Some actionable ways to shut down the gossiping of a friend who is annoying and toxic:

Set Clear Boundaries: Clearly and respectfully communicate to your friend that you're not comfortable with talking about others when they are not present or a part of the conversation. It’s always best to use a neutral but friendly tone of voice. Be firm and stick to accurate facts rather than trying to do battle around inaccurate information. Stay away from admonishments about the evils of gossiping and focus instead on how you choose to present yourself.

Change the Subject: Whenever your friend brings up gossip, swiftly change the subject to something more positive or neutral. Redirect the conversation to topics that both of you enjoy or find interesting. This subtly communicates your disinterest in gossip without directly confronting them.

Speak Up About Values: Express your values regarding gossiping and its impact on relationships. Let your friend know that you prioritize privacy, honesty, integrity of the friendship, and kindness in your interactions with others. You could also try explaining that you wouldn’t want your friend to think that you spoke about them when they weren’t present and the best way to show this is to not talk about others when they are not around. 

Offer Supportive Listening: If your friend tends to gossip as a way of venting or seeking validation, offer to listen to them without participating in the gossip. I often tell my clients that “behaviors meet needs” and I challenge them to think about what need might the other person be trying to fulfill. If you can identify the need maybe you can meet it through means other than gossip. This will let you show empathy for their feelings and needs while gently steering the conversation away from negative talk about others. You can validate their emotions and keep the focus on them and their feelings or help them meet the need (such as feeling a sense of belongingness) in a more prosocial way. 

Lead by Example: Be a role model by refraining from gossiping yourself. Demonstrate your commitment and focus on being a good friend and keeping information to yourself that isn’t yours to share. People tend to gossip less if they know you aren’t sharing in that experience. 

Limit Interaction: In severe cases where the gossiping persists despite your efforts, consider reducing the amount of time you spend with this friend. It’s a good idea to consider protecting your own well-being by choosing friends who focus on the positive in others. 

These strategies require tact, respect, and empathy. Sharpen your assertiveness skills by being very clear on what is ok and what is not ok in your book. You may even have to take a really hard look at who you call “friend” and why they are still in your life. Having and showing integrity will require some hard decisions and looks at who you are surrounded by. Being proactive and addressing the behavior can, in the long run, potentially prevent awkwardness.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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How can I help teenagers handle friend envy?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

Navigating envy among peers is a common challenge for all of us, not just teenagers. I always think that “emotional literacy” is a great place to start with helping our kids with any emotion. Envy is the feeling we get when we see someone get or have something we’d like to have. It’s not that we begrudge them from having it, we just want it too. It helps to understand exactly what we are talking about because we can start to normalize it. I think “Envy” gets a really bad rap because it’s been associated with the Seven Deadly Sins. Once we get comfortable with what this emotion is, then we can start to be more helpful to our teens. 

1. Open and empathetic communication: Encourage your teenager to express their feelings openly and without judgment. Create a safe and non-judgmental space for them to discuss their emotions. Normalize this feeling, it’s something that we all deal with from time to time. I always try to teach people that their feelings serve a purpose and envy is no different. What is this trying to tell you about you? Maybe share how you have handled that feeling in the past (especially if it was productive for you). 

2. Teach empathy: Help your teen understand that envy is a natural emotion and that it's essential to recognize and empathize with others' feelings as well. Discuss how their peers might also experience envy at times. Maybe even ask the teen to identify some times when they have noticed this in their friends. 

3. Encourage self-reflection: Encourage your teenager to reflect on the root causes of their envy. Are there underlying insecurities or unmet needs driving these feelings? Self-awareness can help them address the core issues. This is another great time to talk about is it “envy” or is it “jealousy”, which is a bit different and this difference can help be a conversation changer. 

4. Promote gratitude: Encourage your teen to focus on the positive aspects of their lives and what they're grateful for. Practicing gratitude is about leaning into “liking” and shifting away from “wanting”. We can help teens appreciate the lower intensity, but often longer lasting emotion of liking vs the higher intensity, often shorter duration emotion of “wanting”. Building this “muscle” can be a key life skill in their happiness toolbox. 

5. Foster self-esteem and self-worth: Help your teen build their self-esteem by celebrating their strengths and accomplishments. When they feel better about themselves, they may be less prone to comparing themselves to others.

6. Set realistic expectations: Teach your teenager that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, perfection is not attainable. Explore expectations and then really talk about what is realistic in that situation. Help them learn to think critically about what is possible. 

7. Encourage goal-setting: If your teen just really wants “that thing” and you’ve talked about realistic expectations, then maybe helping them set achievable goals toward that thing might be a learning opportunity for them. This can give them a sense of purpose and focus their energy on personal growth rather than comparison.

8. Teach coping skills: Teach your teen healthy coping strategies for dealing with envy, such as deep breathing, mindfulness, or journaling. These techniques can help them manage their emotions constructively. I like to think about envy as a feeling that is similar to a craving. I know that a craving will pass; I can practice non-judgmental observation of this feeling, rather than participate in the experience in a way that I will feel more deeply pulled in. 

9. Monitor social media use: Keep an eye on your teen's social media activity and discuss how social media can contribute to feelings of envy and inadequacy. Encourage them to limit their exposure to unrealistic portrayals of others' lives online. Have frequent conversations about what they are seeing on social media and everyone needs to keep in mind that these platforms are often a stage for people to show only their best, while hiding the worst or hard. 

10. Be a role model: Model healthy behavior by showing your teen how to handle envy gracefully and with empathy towards others. It’s ok to acknowledge envy when it comes up for you, but make sure you take the time to celebrate others successes. 

11. Seek professional help if needed: If your teenager's envy is causing significant distress or negatively impacting their mental health, consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor who specializes in adolescent issues.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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What are Men's Issues and How Can Psychotherapy help?

Recently Dr. Daniel Kessler was asked that very question. Here's his response:

Seeking Strength: Men's Issues and Psychotherapy

Men are often encouraged and conditioned to present an image of stoicism and emotional resilience. Unfortunately, this can cause men to hide their emotional struggles and challenges, even (perhaps especially) from those they love the most. This often creates a barrier to seeking help for mental health concerns. This barrier may be fully realized as a thought that therapy shows weakness, or may show up as a more subtle discomfort with the idea of sharing personal thoughts and feelings. Still, psychotherapy can be a powerful tool for men to navigate life's challenges and improve their well-being. Here are three of the most frequent issues men bring to therapy:

1. Difficulty Expressing and Managing Emotions: One of the most frequent concerns women in relationships with men express is that their partners don’t share their feelings. One of the most frequent concerns that men in relationships with women express is that they have NO IDEA how to express their feelings to their partners. Perceived expectations can lead men to suppress or avoid expressing their emotions, causing conflict and isolation. 

2. Relationship Challenges: Men often face difficulties in navigating romantic relationships, friendships, or family dynamics. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore communication issues, conflict resolution strategies, and healthy relationship boundaries, leading to more fulfilling connections.

3. Stress, Anxiety, and Depression: These common mental health conditions can manifest differently in men, often presenting as anger, irritability, or substance misuse. Therapy offers a supportive environment to understand the root causes of these issues, develop coping mechanisms, and improve overall mental health.

While societal norms and expectations can discourage men from seeking help, your psychologist can provide guidance and psychotherapy can provide a valuable space to address your concerns, develop healthy coping mechanisms, enhance your relationships and help you live a more fulfilling life. Let’s normalize the conversation about men's mental health, and encourage men to seek guidance and support.

This list is not exhaustive, and many other challenges can bring men to therapy.

If you or someone you know is struggling, consider scheduling a free initial consultation to discuss the difficulties you are experiencing and treatment options. If you are in crisis or are experiencing suicidal thoughts, you can call or text 988 from anywhere in the USA.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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Gayle MacBride's Five Lifestyle Tweaks That Will Help Support People’s Journey Towards Better Wellbeing

Dr. Gayle MacBride was recently interviewed for the "Women in Wellness" series by Authority Magazine (owned by Medium.com) about her: "Five Lifestyle Tweaks That Will Help Support People’s Journey Towards Better Wellbeing."

Check it out here.

And if you just want the tips, here's a direct link to the video.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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What are creative ways to be kind and why should I do them?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

We could all use a little extra kindness in our lives. When I was young my grandmother always insisted we hold the door for the person coming through next. She’s been gone over 15 years and I’m still a door holder. This is a small kindness that doesn’t make or break a person’s day, but certainly can add a little bright spot for the recipient. Kindness is good for the person performing the act as well as the recipient. This is truly a win-win. 

How Kindness Benefits You:

Acts of kindness trigger the release of neurotransmitters like serotonin and oxytocin, which promote feelings of happiness and well-being. These feel good chemicals bond us socially and are natural mood lifters as well as stress-reducers. In the day and age when many of us take several pills each day, it’s great to find something that you can do that is good for you and doesn’t require a prescription. 

Belonging is an essential motivator for most of us. Kindness strengthens relationships and fosters a sense of connection with others. By making kindness a routine part of your life, you can build a supportive social network, which is essential for emotional resilience and overall life satisfaction. You may even start to see these acts repaid in ways to contribute to our long term health. 

Research suggests that being kind can have positive effects on physical health, including reducing inflammation and lowering blood pressure. Acts of kindness may also boost immune function (helping us more effectively fight an infection if we are exposed) and enhance overall cardiovascular health. Ultimately, we not only live longer, but healthier. 

Engaging in acts of kindness can give individuals a sense of purpose and fulfillment. By contributing positively to the lives of others, you cultivate a deeper sense of meaning and satisfaction in your own life, increasing your own sense of connection and belonging. 

Creative Ways to Be Kind:

• Write Letters of Appreciation: Take the time to write heartfelt letters or cards expressing gratitude and appreciation to friends, family members, or community members who have made a difference in your life. Handwritten notes carry a personal touch and can brighten someone's day.

• Offer Compliments: Spread positivity by offering genuine compliments to those around you. Whether it's praising someone's outfit, acknowledging their talents, or complimenting their kindness, sincere words of affirmation can lift spirits and boost confidence.

• Donate Time or Skills: Volunteer your time and skills to local organizations or community projects. Offer to teach a workshop on a topic you're passionate about, assist with gardening or maintenance tasks, volunteer at your local elementary school helping teachers or reading with the students, or provide companionship to residents at a nursing home.

• Create Care Packages: Put together care packages filled with essential items, treats, and comforting items for individuals in need. Consider making packages for unhoused individuals, military personnel serving overseas, or elderly residents in assisted living facilities. You might even coordinate the efforts with co-workers, church groups, or other community members to donate even simple items like socks or toothbrushes. 

• Perform Random Acts of Kindness: Embrace spontaneity by performing random acts of kindness throughout your day. Pay for a stranger's coffee, hold the door open for someone, or allow someone to take the spot in line ahead of you. 

• Make is Social: Encourage friends, family members, or neighbors to participate in a kindness challenge with you. Set a goal to perform a certain number of kind acts each week and share your experiences and reflections with each other.

Kindness is not about spending money or making grand gestures, it is about making the world a little nicer and kinder. It’s about putting a smile on someone’s face and letting them know that they mattered to you today. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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Embracing Spring: A Season of Renewal and Resilience

As Minnesotans, we're no strangers to the challenges posed by our long, harsh winters. The cold and gray skies often weigh heavily not just on our daily routines but also on our mental well-being. Yet, as we stand on the cusp of spring, we're reminded of the incredible resilience of our landscape — and, indeed, our own. The longer days and warmer weather are not just signals of a seasonal change but also beacons of hope for those of us who experience Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) or the winter blues. This year, the arrival of spring feels particularly uplifting (maybe because it feels like it came so early). 

Step Outside and Soak in the Sunshine

Make it a priority to spend time outdoors every day. Sunlight is a natural mood booster, thanks to its ability to increase the production of serotonin in our brains. Even a brief walk during your lunch break can significantly impact your mood and energy levels.

Connect with Nature

Minnesota's landscape offers a unique backdrop for reconnecting with nature. As the snow melts and the first green shoots emerge, take the opportunity to observe the transformation. Gardening, hiking, or simply sitting in a park can help you feel grounded and present, reducing stress and promoting mental well-being.

Set New Goals

Spring is synonymous with new beginnings. Use this time of renewal to set personal goals or start new projects. Whether it's taking up a new hobby, focusing on self-improvement, or decluttering your living space, these activities can provide a sense of purpose and achievement.

Let this be a season of renewal and a catalyst for positive change in our mental health and overall well-being. Remember, it's okay to seek help if you're struggling to shake off the winter blues. Mental health professionals can provide support and strategies tailored to your needs, ensuring that you too can bloom anew this spring.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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How normal is your forgetfulness?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

It's important for all of us to be aware of our physical, mental, and brain health. These can all experience normal changes as we age. Some of us want to be especially watchful if there is a family history of dementia. While aging does bring some normative cognitive changes, there are ways to distinguish between typical age-related forgetfulness and something more concerning:

1. Frequency and severity: Occasional forgetfulness is common at any age, but if memory lapses become frequent and increase in severity, it could be a sign of a more serious issue. Repeatedly forgetting important appointments, conversations, or getting lost in familiar places may be concerning.

2. Impacts on daily life: Do your memory problems interfere with daily functioning? If someone's forgetfulness disrupts their ability to work, manage finances, maintain personal hygiene, or follow through with daily routines, it could be a cause for concern.

3. Consistency: Age-related forgetfulness tends to be sporadic and doesn't necessarily worsen over time, while normative forgetting is sporadic, but stays relatively the same level. In contrast, dementia-related memory decline is usually progressive, gradually affecting different aspects of memory and cognitive function. Normative forgetfulness may worsen with stress, but then in times with less going on it may improve again. 

4. Types of memory problems: Alzheimer's disease, the most common form of dementia, often starts with short-term memory issues, like forgetting recent events, conversations, or appointments. If someone frequently forgets names, dates, or events from their recent past, it might be a red flag.

5. Personality and behavioral changes: Dementia can lead to changes in mood, behavior, and personality. Look out for uncharacteristic mood swings, agitation, withdrawal, or loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities.

6. Difficulty with problem-solving and decision-making: Dementia can impair a person's ability to solve problems, make decisions, and plan for the future. This can be seen in things like financial mismanagement or poor judgment.

If you notice concerning signs in yourself or a loved one, consult a healthcare professional for a thorough evaluation. Early diagnosis is crucial for effective intervention and management. Sometimes people ask, if there’s no cure, why diagnose it? The simple answer is we do have interventions that can slow the progression or even help caregivers access appropriate resources. While it is possible for an earlier onset of these symptoms, the most typical time is after the age of 65 with the risk increasing as we age. Because we know this is a product of aging, most primary care providers will screen for brain health issues at your yearly visit. I’m a big advocate for this. These screening tests can be very effective, often more so than without using a standardized screening tool. 

Regarding steps to stave off dementia, there's no guaranteed prevention, but some lifestyle choices can promote brain health and potentially reduce the risk:

1. Stay mentally active: Engage in activities that challenge your brain, such as puzzles, reading, learning a new skill, or playing musical instruments. This is a key and maybe the most important recommendation, we have some data that showed individuals who evidenced markers for Alzheimer’s Disease in post-mortem examinations but didn’t show signs of dementia in their daily life. A common factor was these participants' active mental life in which they were social, actively learning on an ongoing basis. “Learn something new everyday” is what my grandmother used to tell me, now I think that’s way stronger advice than “an apple a day…”

2. Maintain a healthy diet: Consume a balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean proteins, and healthy fats. Some evidence suggests that diets like the Mediterranean diet may be beneficial for brain health.

3. Regular physical exercise: Regular physical activity has been associated with a reduced risk of dementia. 

4. Manage chronic conditions: Remember, it’s not just Alzheimer’s Dementia that causes brain health issues. Control conditions like hypertension, diabetes, and high cholesterol because these can increase the risk of dementia.

5. Social engagement: Stay socially active by maintaining strong relationships and participating in social activities. 

6. Get quality sleep: Prioritize quality sleep, including healthy sleep habits. Allow for adequate opportunity for consistent sleep. 

7. Be wise about stress: Let’s face it, stress is inevitable. It’s also not awful for you, what is not healthy is feeling out of control because of it. Manage your relationship with stress. Cutting stress out of your life vs feeling like you can handle the stress you do have is a critical difference in how stress impacts us. Techniques like meditation, yoga, or mindfulness to reduce your response to stress and seek talk therapy if you need a little help in this area.

8. Limit alcohol and avoid smoking: Excessive alcohol consumption and smoking are risk factors for dementia. Reducing or quitting these habits can have a positive impact on brain health.

Remember that genetics also play a role in your brain health. Not all cases of dementia are preventable, however, just because you have a first degree relative who had dementia, doesn’t mean you are doomed and there is plenty you can do in the meantime. Adopting a healthy lifestyle can contribute to better cognitive function and overall well-being. It could even mean that you are genetically predisposed to a disease, and with careful management, it might not express itself (meaning it might not cause impairment in your life). Regular check-ups with your healthcare provider can help you monitor your cognitive health and take appropriate action if necessary.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

What are small changes that you made, that made huge differences in your day-to-day life?

Recently Dr. Daniel Kessler was asked that very question. Here's his response:

In life, it's often the small, seemingly insignificant actions that have the most profound impact. When faced with moments of frustration, particularly with my children, I've learned to ask a simple question: "Is this behavior age-appropriate?" This mindset shift has allowed me to approach challenging situations with patience and understanding, recognizing that each stage of development brings its own set of limitations and learning opportunities. Additionally, embracing rituals such as an old-school wet shave and taking a genuine lunch break each day has provided me with moments of mindfulness and rejuvenation, ultimately enhancing my overall well-being and productivity.

“Is this behavior age appropriate?”

If I find myself getting frustrated with one of my kids, I ask, “is this behavior age appropriate?” There is no point in getting angry when a toddler throws a temper tantrum, you keep the toddler safe. We all get that. Similarly, while you might use the opportunity to teach a 4-year-old why they can’t take candy from a store or encourage a 6-year-old to put their shoes on more quickly, the preschooler doesn’t truly understand stores and money and the 6-year-old doesn’t yet grasp time. There is no sense in getting angry at behavior that is age appropriate, but this is an opportunity to teach the child at the level they can understand. This is true with teens as well. Their biological rhythms aren’t in sync with ours, so mornings are hell. We can help them to get up and help them understand the need, but anger isn’t useful.

I often start my day with an old school wet shave.

By old school, I mean a shaving brush, shaving soap and a single blade razor. Electric razors and multi-blade cartridges are faster, easier, but a single blade and shaving mug means I have to take five minutes to lather up, brush the freshly made foam on my face with a vigorous circular motion, and shave in a more measured and planful way. With a cartridge, its quick and easy. With an electric, I can even do in the car, multi-tasking while I drive. But an old school single blade means taking the time to shave, sometimes twice to get a good close shave. There is no multi-tasking or rushing this. With the smells, sounds and sensations, I find this process more mindful than most meditations or mindfulness exercises.

I take a REAL lunch break every day.

For much of my career, I worked through lunch. I’d eat at my desk while completing patient charts or make work calls during my lunchtime. I now try (but don’t always succeed) to block that time to eat and completely avoid work. If I eat at my desk, I intentionally avoid all work, using that time to read, catch up on a bit of shopping, chat with my wife or friends if they are available, take a walk when the Minnesota weather permits, plan a vacation or just do nothing meaningful. This prepares me to complete my workday more efficiently, and I seem to get done earlier most days than I did when I worked through lunch. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

How can you stop catastrophizing?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

First of all, we all do some level of catastrophic thinking. Also known as catastrophizing (sometimes I call it “awfulizing” just to make it easier to pronounce), involves imagining the worst possible outcomes in a situation and can lead to anxiety and stress; it can result in a downward spiral of anxiety and hopelessness. 

Here are some strategies to avoid catastrophic thinking and diffuse these (sometimes scary) thoughts if you find yourself already in the midst of it:

1. Awareness: Recognize when you are engaging in catastrophic thinking. Being aware of the thought patterns is the first step in addressing them. I teach my clients that this is a common pattern and ask them to watch for it, name it, and then to begin to learn how to make subtle changes in their thought patterns so they are more accurate and realistic.

2. Challenge Negative Thoughts: Ask yourself if the catastrophic thoughts are based on evidence or if they are driven by emotion and fears. Challenge these negative thoughts with logic and evidence. It can be helpful to do things like rate how likely is the bad thing to happen. Or sometimes noticing that you just told yourself “what if” which often stops us in our tracks and doesn’t get us to the most likely outcome. When we stop “what if” and get to the logical conclusion, it’s often not as scary as we thought.

3. Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques help to balance the sympathetic nervous system (fight/flight/freeze) with a response that requires that parasympathetic nervous system (rest/digest). Don’t’ try to force the feeling to go away, accept it and focus on something else. 

   • Practice mindfulness to stay present in the moment. Focus on your breathing and physical sensations.

   • Grounding techniques, like the 5-4-3-2-1 method (name five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste), can help shift your focus away from catastrophic thoughts.

4. Relaxation Techniques: Practice relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or meditation to reduce overall anxiety.

5. Accurate Self-Talk: Replace negative self-talk with realistic and accurate statements. Remind yourself of past successes and coping abilities. 

6. Problem Solving: If your catastrophic thinking is related to a specific issue, break it down into smaller, manageable steps and work on finding solutions. This can give you a sense of control.

7. Limit Information Consumption: If you find that excessive exposure to negative news or information (eg Doom Scrolling) is fueling your catastrophic thinking, consider limiting your media consumption.

8. Seek Support: Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about your thoughts and feelings. They can provide perspective and emotional support.

9. Distraction: Engage in activities that you enjoy or that require your full attention to distract yourself from catastrophic thoughts temporarily.

10. Professional Help: If catastrophic thinking becomes chronic and significantly impacts your daily life, consider seeking help from a mental health professional. They can provide therapy and strategies tailored to your specific situation.

Remember that it takes time and practice to change thought patterns, so be patient with yourself as you work on reducing catastrophic thinking. Consistently applying these strategies can help you gain better control over your thoughts and reduce anxiety.

I think the advice or skill that my clients like the best is a series of questions we rehearse that takes them through a series of logical self reflection. A favorite is often asking themselves where their information is coming from “Says who?” and it’s often here they realize it’s their “anxiety brain” and often they are able to separate themselves from the emotion for long enough to step out of the catastrophizing. My personal favorite is looking at possible vs probable. Nailing down that while something is possible it’s not likely and it forces me to be more accurate about the outcomes that are most likely.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

How Can You Avoid Being So Negative?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

Why might someone be inclined to be negative?

• Learned behavior/family of origin (FOO) – Sometimes we just grow up in families where negativity is the norm. These early life experiences shape or form how we understand the world and sometimes these patterns are fairly fixed. Although, they can be changed or addressed through self-reflection and sometimes may require therapy.

• Ongoing stress or challenges – Sometimes people develop negativity after what feels like an unending series of negative events. This kind of negativity can be a way of coping, including trying to prevent further disappointment. Sometimes people hope if they “expect disappointment” then when it happens, they won’t be disappointed. I’m not really sure that it really has every worked that way. Expecting to be hurt, really doesn’t make it hurt less and just leads us to living in that hurt even at times when we didn’t need to. This kind of mindset can lead to “Confirmation Bias”, which is essentially finding what you are looking for.

• The company you keep – We often start to act like people around us, this is “Conformity Bias”, which is when we tend to change our beliefs or behavior to fit in with others.

• Low self-esteem – People can be negative when they don’t feel good about themselves and they might want to hurt or tear down others as a coping mechanism to feel less badly about themselves.

• Manipulation – Sometimes people can espouse a negative point of view in order to convince someone else to do or believe something that they would otherwise not.

What are some risks of being too negative?

• Negative thinking can worsen anxiety and depression, for sure. That confirmation bias can deepen anxiety and depression.

• Negative thinking has been demonstrated to have an impact on our physical health, and not for the good. Literature suggests it raises blood pressure and can even weaken our immune response.

• Prolonged negativity increases the risks of someone coping with nicotine, alcohol, or abuse other substances.

• Being negative might also cause you social supports. Many people don’t want to be friends with the “Debbie Downer”. It can be too exhausting to be this person’s friend, so you might see your social circle shrink.

• Insomnia or other sleep problems might be an outcome of negative thinking, especially if you are finding yourself stuck on certain thoughts. Our brain is wired to keep us safe and it isn’t going to let us relax enough to get good sleep if it perceives a threat out there.

What is the difference between “avoiding negativity” and “toxic positivity?”

Avoiding negativity is a lot different than being positive. I always remind my clients that our goal in therapy isn’t to make them a “Pollyanna Positive” and I think this is a place where a lot of Cognitive Behavioral Therapists fail to help their clients or why treatment may not have worked for you before. Trying to “look on the bright side of life” is not any more balanced or realistic than the negative thoughts. I advocate for a much more balanced or accurate approach. Sometimes things are genuinely hard and it's ok to acknowledge this and still stay out of negativity. 

Toxic positivity leads to a denial of your own feelings and experiences. It can also lead to social isolation on the other end because people can’t live up to those impossible standards. Demanding to be positive all the time makes me wonder if that person is struggling with perfectionism which is its own battle that can cause anxiety and depression.

I once attended the funeral for my friend’s father. The eulogy by his wife was one that really stuck out to me. I didn’t know the man, but I loved how she talked about his mindset. Instead of seeing the challenges in life as “problems”, they talked about his incredible ability to frame those very events as “opportunities,” a chance to learn something new. Even if it doesn’t work out the way you’d hoped, they can never take away the experience, the learning, and resilience to try again. Both ends of the scale are problematic. A more nuanced, middle ground approach is preferable. 

What are good tips for avoiding negativity?

Gratitude always tops my list as a way to avoid negativity. If you find what you look for, then a good way to remember that the event/day/life is not all bad. Sure, there are hard moments, but there is good in life too, you just have to be intentional about looking for it. In my house we use the “High, Low, Opportunity, and Looking Forward To” conversation as a way to practice these skills as a family. This helps all of us with “mindset training”, which is a skill that helps you be more intentional about shaping your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

Mindfulness is a great skill. This is different than mediation, which many people find difficult. Instead, mindfulness keeps you focused on the moment, instead of being negative, which is likely living in the past with a regret or resentment, or in the future, which is a fear of something that hasn’t happened yet. The present moment is the only moment that really exists. 

We are influenced by the company we keep. One way to increase your positive outlook is to ditch the negative friends and be intentional about hanging out with people who have a brighter outlook. I think this also includes the media and social media we consume.

Identify the specific negative patterns you tend to fall into. We all fall into what psychologists call ‘cognitive distortions” which are irrational or unhelpful ways of thinking that often lead us to unproductive or negative results. I often remind my clients of the David Burns, MD quote “you feel the way you think.” We talk about distortions and usually people know right away which are the most common for them. Using this list helps people not only identify their negative patterns, but knowing the kind of error they have made in their thinking allows them to begin correcting it right away. 

Another way to be a bit more positive is before responding to a question or request with “no” or “that can’t be done”, ask yourself “is there a way I can get to “yes” on this?” While the immediate outcome might be the same, your attitude can start to change. For example, if you are asked if you can do something and it’s not possible to do right now, can you offer to do it at a different time? If so, then your answer can be something like, “I’d love to; while I don’t have the bandwidth right now, next week looks a little quieter.”

Practice seeing small steps as progress and usen more nuanced thinking. Instead of being negative and assuming that “nothing changes” or no progress has been made, look for even the smallest changes and be intentional about acknowledging or even celebrating those.

What are ways to avoid negativity in others?

When others a negative or you yourself are tempted to be negative, try your best to notice it early. When others are negative around you, don’t take it personally. Recently I heard the advice, “Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from” (the quote was attributed to Morgan Freeman, but this may be an error). Nonetheless, it’s a wise sentiment.

The other strategy that I use when others are being negative is to mind my own reactions, I don’t feed the negativity and I try to keep the conversation short. You can accomplish this by changing the topic or leaving the conversation.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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What are the benefits of virtual mental health services, and why are they becoming so popular?

Recently Dr. Daniel Kessler was asked those very questions. Here's his response:

Back in 2020, when the pandemic was kicking off, we therapists were uncertain where this would take us. Telehealth was a thing before 2020, but it was often limited to times when it was necessary, and not just for convenience or preference. I recall telling colleagues that I expected about a quarter of my clients would continue to prefer telehealth even after the pandemic was over. 

What I’ve discovered is that many people prefer telehealth, even in situations where they could easily come to the office. Overall, less than 1 in 5 of my current clients choose in-person visits, and the telehealth portion of my practice is booming. 

While virtual mental health services were becoming more common before 2020, the COVID-19 pandemic accelerated it dramatically. The pandemic pushed all of us to embrace the technology faster than many of us may have been comfortable had we been presented with options in 2020. In the process of providing telehealth services to clients, we found it presented a unique ability to serve clients who struggled with access for a variety of reasons, and it allowed for increased flexibility.

Ultimately, the rise in virtual mental health services can be attributed to several factors:

• Convenience: Virtual mental health services allow my clients to access therapy and counseling in locations that previously wouldn’t work. I meet with folks in work conference rooms, from their cars, or the comfort of their own homes. This convenience is particularly appealing to those with busy schedules, limited childcare mobility issues, or those who live in remote areas. I’ve seen people who otherwise would never be able to access services, who can now hand their kid an iPad for 45 minutes, or pop down to the parking lot for privacy, without missing a half day of work.

• Reduced Stigma: Some of my clients are more comfortable connecting privately, rather than going into a clinic, and some even feel safer and more comfortable discussing with me online, without having to come to an office.

• Access: online mental health services bridge the gap in mental health care access. I’ve seen clients from urban and very rural areas, as well as folks who have not therapists for many miles or might not make it due to distance, weather, or other limitations

It’s important to state that telehealth works for many situations and many people. However, there may be drawbacks to virtual mental health services:

• Lack of Personal Connection: Some clients feel more connected in the room. Others feel more connected online, where they have greater security in their environment.

• Technical Issues: This is SO MUCH BETTER in 2024 than in 2020 when we were all pushed to start telehealth. I’ve had to upgrade my internet service, but some of my clients have spotty service or limited access. This can get in the way of therapy, but with the improvements, including ease of use with any smartphone, tech issues are less common. 

• Privacy Concerns: Privacy and confidentiality have sometimes been a concern. My clients share very personal issues and worries. Sometimes we have had to take special precautions to be sure that telehealth appointments are private and not overheard. While it is important to ensure that the chosen platform for virtual therapy is secure and HIPAA compliant, in 2024 most of the video software is or can be made compliant. Then it is my role to ensure that the client is in surroundings that are private.

Are there people for whom virtual mental health is best for, and people for whom another option may be better?

While we would thing that telehealth is better for younger, more tech-savvy clients, in truth my older clients generally do pretty well. The software I use lets me send a link via email or text, and they don’t need to know much more than how to click on that link. I use a lot of educational materials in some of my work, especially with insomnia folks, and the ability to screen share has been great.

People who might not benefit from telehealth services are those who:

• Severe Mental Health Conditions: Individuals with severe or complex mental health conditions may require more intensive and in-person treatment, including hospitalization or residential care.

• Non-Verbal Communication: Some forms of therapy, such as art therapy or play therapy, heavily rely on non-verbal communication and hands-on techniques, making them better suited for in-person sessions.

• Safety Concerns: In situations where a therapist needs to assess immediate safety risks, such as the risk of self-harm or harm to others, in-person evaluations may be necessary for a more accurate assessment.

• Preferred Interaction: Some individuals simply prefer face-to-face interaction and find it more therapeutic and comforting.

• Complex Diagnoses: In cases where a detailed physical examination or medical evaluation is required to rule out underlying medical conditions, in-person assessments are typically necessary.

Can you get prescriptions such as antidepressants filled during a virtual appointment?

Regarding prescriptions, it depends on the regulations in your specific location and the policies of the healthcare provider, but in many cases a licensed prescriber can see a patient virtually and write a prescription, including for antidepressant meds.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Social media use on family vacations, is it good or bad?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

Well, actually it was two questions. First, why do some parents feel compelled to extensively document their vacations on social media, and, second, what are the benefits of staying off social media while on vacations?

Parents may feel a compulsion to document and share every aspect of their trips with kids for several reasons:

• Memory Preservation: Capturing moments through photos and videos allows parents to create lasting memories of their family trips. Sometimes this is because children are young enough not to reliably form their own lasting memories, but other times it’s simply because the parent wants evidence of the things they did. Vacations and travel are expensive, and memories (particularly of children) can be fleeting. Photobooks and online documentation can help extend memory through a digital footprint and “reminder” type features, which has become popular with social media platforms. Some clients and parent friends of mine use social platforms, but set the posts to private so they have an online photo book of sorts. 

• Connection with Loved Ones: Sharing updates on social media helps parents stay connected with friends and family who might not be present on the trip. Particularly with the increased distance between extended families; it’s a way to include relatives who are distant or unable to join in.

• Recommendations and Tips: Posting about their experiences can also serve as recommendations and tips for others planning similar trips. Word of mouth is a powerful marketing tool. Also, sharing photos and memories can a way to inspire others, or perhaps include items on an itinerary that wouldn’t have otherwise been on their radar.

• Validation and Social Recognition: Social media can provide validation and recognition in the form of likes, comments, and shares, which can be satisfying for parents. The dopamine hit from likes/shares/etc is a very real thing. While that external validation might not be the healthiest reason for sharing, it is a very real reason people do it.

Social Media gives us a feeling of social connection and community. These are fundamentally important feelings to us as humans. These platforms really do feel like they fulfill some of those needs. 

Documenting life on social media can have some problems:

• Privacy/Security Concerns: Sharing personal information and locations can compromise privacy and security. It also reveals when your house is unattended and potentially for how long it will remain empty. 

• Distraction: Constantly documenting experiences can detract from being fully present in the moment. Framing the perfect photo, writing a witty caption or executing the perfect panoramic photo, or videoing an experience all take time and attention away from the actual experience and the people you’re with. It is one additional distraction that draws you away from the moment being shared with your fellow travelers and may be even intrusive to those traveling around you. 

• Comparison and Pressure: Seeing other people's curated experiences can lead to feelings of inadequacy or the pressure to keep up. One-upmanship wasn’t invented by social media, but it certainly feeds the desire to share and can lead to feelings of inadequacy and perhaps lead to overspending to achieve the perfect experience that will measure up. It’s a real struggle to keep in mind that someone’s trip photos don’t usually include the lousy meal at the greasy restaurant that you went to at 10 pm after a long day of travel and the kids melting down because they were tired. 

• Oversharing: Oversharing can make children uncomfortable and invade their privacy. Many children have not experienced a world where social media didn’t exist. Their whole lives are online. This is particularly a problem as children gain awareness of their autonomy and have to struggle with parents to establish boundaries about where and when their images will be shared. Younger children have no voice to indicate whether they want their images or likeness to be captured and shared on social media, and those images and videos can live on long after they were taken—leaving the children to struggle with removing unwanted images, videos, or memories.

Benefits of not using social media while traveling with kids include:

• Quality Time: Parents can fully engage with their children without the distraction of social media.

• Privacy and Safety: Protecting their family's privacy and security.

• Less Pressure: Avoiding the pressure to showcase a perfect trip.

• Authenticity: Experiencing the trip more authentically without the filter of social media.

To a parent struggling to let go of social media during a "social media-free" trip, I would suggest the following:

• Set Clear Boundaries: Decide on specific times or situations when it's okay to use social media, and stick to those boundaries. Ask your children if you can share their images/videos/likeness, and negotiate what they are comfortable with you sharing. If the image includes them, consider giving them veto power over stories and images. Also consider keeping their names off the posts to help preserve their anonymity. Ask commenters to do the same. 

• Focus on the Moment: Remind yourself that the most important thing is the quality time spent with your children, not the number of likes or comments. Not starting is a great way to maintain a social media free vacay. Once one photo goes up, we tend to start responding to the ding of the device that shows the “likes” count. This is based on a very strong form of reinforcement that gives us that dopamine hit and be harder to walk away from. 

• Use Offline Methods: Consider using traditional methods like photo albums or journals to document your trip for personal use.

• Use private methods, there are a number of ways to use digital online photo albums that are private and still allow you to share photos. You can make a private album on Facebook or share via products like Google Albums. 

• Make the “rule” apply to everyone. Social media free won’t work if it is ok for some people and not for others. This should be talked about and agreed upon before you leave for the trip. 

• Share Later: If you still want to share your trip with others, you can do so after the trip ends. This allows you to be present in the moment while still sharing your experiences.

Ultimately, it's essential for parents to strike a balance between documenting their trips and being fully present with their children to create meaningful memories.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

What is "drytripping" and what's the benefit of it?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

"Drytripping," quite simply, is intentionally making the choice to not consume alcohol while on vacation.

On "vacy" we can tend to over indulge and abstaining from alcohol can be beneficial because we tend to remember things more clearly and we don't experience the lapses in judgement that can occur when alcohol is on board. In the long run you will recall more of your vacation experiences, making it more meaningful in the long run. It might also mean that we make safe decisions while we are active on vacation if we are doing those things without alcohol.

Alcohol can have negative effects on your health, and abstaining from it can lead to a healthier vacation experience. You may have more energy, better sleep, and feel physically better throughout your trip. For example, alcohol can be very dehydrating and this impact is intensified if we are consuming alcohol in warm climates. Also, alcohol can have a detrimental impact on your sleep. Consuming alcohol and combining it with Jet Lag can be a bad idea. 

You may engage more with local culture, food, and activities when you're not under the influence of alcohol. Being sober allows you to immerse yourself in the destination's unique offerings.

Alcoholic beverages can be expensive, and by abstaining, you can save money that you can use for other experiences, souvenirs, or even future trips. 

Avoiding alcohol can help ensure your safety and the safety of those around you, especially if you're engaging in activities like driving, water sports, or hiking. Driving in areas you don't know well, often after dark is compromised with even a little alcohol consumption, and often people are not stopping at their usual limit. In vacation towns the criminal element may take advantage of those who are passing through town. Tourists can be at risk of having something added to their drink, making them easier targets for crime. 

By remaining alcohol free ensures you do miss an excursion planned for the next day. All too often people book activities, but then due to being over served the night before, they miss or at very least, don't enjoy the next day's activities due to the impact of the hangover. 

The benefits of sobriety on the trip are outlined above and the opportunity to drink very lightly on vacation will allow the traveler to enjoy local alcohol that might be a specialty of the area. This can be an added positive cultural and culinary experience of the trip. Also, having a drink or two may add the "social lubricant" to activities or interactions, but not have the significantly detrimental impacts of over-consumption. 

Drinking lightly on a trip can enhance the "vacation vibe" that really helps set the tone of being carefree and away from your stressors (vs using alcohol as the stress reliever itself). 

By not consuming alcohol, you can remain more present and mindful throughout your vacation. This heightened awareness allows you to appreciate your surroundings and experiences more deeply.

Abstaining from alcohol can lead to improved physical and mental health during your vacation. You may have more energy, better sleep, and an overall sense of well-being. This may actually give you the rest you are seeking on vacation instead of the feeling that you need a vacation after your vacation.

Without the impairments associated with alcohol consumption, you are likely to remember more of your vacation experiences, instead of looking at photos and asking yourself, "when did I do that?"

Alcoholic beverages can be expensive, especially in tourist areas. By not drinking, you can save money to spend on other experiences, activities, or souvenirs.

Being sober can allow you to be more aware of what is going on around you in the local culture. When you are more connected to where you are, you may see things that you'd otherwise miss if you are just looking for the next bar.

Abstaining from alcohol can lead to more meaningful connections with your travel companions. You can have deeper conversations and shared experiences without the influence of alcohol. Conversations with alcohol may seem "deeper", but often they are in the context or feeling a bit disinhibited by the alcohol.

If you are not drinking on vacation you may find yourself doing other things that keep you away from the bar areas at times when crime may occur. So the biggest opportunity here is continued safety. 

If you are focused on a sober trip, then you may be looking for activities that enhance this like yoga, meditation, mindfulness, nature hikes, or spa treatments that promote relaxation and self-care. It may also push you to look for other new experiences like foods you haven't tried or other interesting cultural activities that can take you out of your comfort zone or give you a bit of a thrill (sports or excursions) 

Maybe you are someone who likes a challenge and you want to do something that your friends haven't tried yet. Try sobriety as a personal challenge that can lead to growth and self-discovery, testing your self-control and discipline.

Finally, setting an example, if you are traveling with family or friends, your decision to abstain from alcohol can set a positive example for others and encourage responsible drinking. 

If you're trying this for the first time, here are some suggestions to help:

• Choose the right destination: Opt for a destination that aligns with your interests and activities you enjoy, whether it's hiking, exploring cultural landmarks, or relaxing on a beach. Having a clear purpose for your trip can help you stay focused on your sober goals.

• Plan ahead: Research and plan your itinerary in advance. Look for activities, attractions, and experiences that don't revolve around alcohol. This will help you stay engaged and excited about your trip. Maybe even make a back up plan if your travel companions don't honor your request/decision for a dry vacation. 

• Introspect before you leave: Drinking can be enjoyable in its own right, but really thinking about the role/purpose/function alcohol is serving during your vacation can help you be clear about the "why". If you are drinking to unwind, try doing that activity with the alcohol. Being clear on the "why" can help clarify the "why not". 

• Communicate with travel companions: If you're traveling with others, let them know about your decision to take a sober vacation. Discuss your expectations so they can support your choices and plan activities that everyone can enjoy.

• Seek out sober-friendly accommodations: Look for hotels, resorts, or vacation rentals that offer amenities and activities suitable for non-drinkers. Some places may offer wellness programs, yoga classes, or other alternatives to traditional bar scenes. You might even book a private rental property instead of a commercial hotel just as a way to not have to pass by the hotel bar. 

• Find sober communities: Research local support groups or online communities for travelers who prefer to stay sober. These communities can provide valuable information, recommendations, and a sense of camaraderie during your trip.

• Plan non-alcoholic alternatives: Explore local cuisine, try exotic non-alcoholic beverages, or indulge in gourmet food experiences. Part of planning will be to know what alternatives might be available to you or even take something with you (maybe a water additive or the like) or to buy this kind of thing when you get to town. 

• Stay active: Incorporate physical activities into your itinerary, such as hiking, biking, or water sports. Active pursuits not only keep you engaged but also boost your mood and energy levels.

• Keep a journal: Document your sober travel experiences in a journal or blog. Reflecting on your journey can help you gain insights and appreciate the positive aspects of your trip.

• Stay hydrated: Especially in warm or tropical destinations, it's essential to drink plenty of water to stay hydrated. Carry a reusable water bottle with you as a reminder. Also, be wary of salty snacks in tourist areas. They are likely inducing thirst and may take advantage if you don't have that water bottle or hydrating drink readily available. 

• Have a plan for handling triggers: Identify potential triggers to deviate from your plan that might tempt you to drink and have a plan for dealing with them. Whether it's stress, social pressure, or boredom. Planning ahead tends to increase successful outcomes.  

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Menopause and body image issues, how do you navigate that?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

It is absolutely common for women to experience changes that coincide with just before, during, and after menopause.  During this time of life women experience changes in their hormones and tend to struggle with maintaining a weight that they are happy with or that they found easier to maintain in their younger years (because as estrogen decreases there is a slowing of metabolism).  This often leads women to feeling dissatisfied. 

Most commonly women experiences weight gain, difficulty losing that weight, they can have further changes in breast tissue that leads them to sag (being less dense and more fatty when the milk system shuts down), collagen in the skin is more readily lost leading to jowls, slack skin and wrinkles. During this time some women find that their hair will go grey more quickly.  They will sometimes grow hair in places they don't wish to have it. 

Internally, they are experiencing vaginal dryness and low libido.  They also have osteoporosis (bone density changes) and changes in the elasticity of ligaments (collagen again) which can lead to injuries. Simple activities now can cause lasting pain or limitations. 

What can we do about it? Well, control what you can.  Stop smoking, if you were a smoker, continue being as active as you are able, eat well, and consult with your doctor about any medications that might help control others issues that arise as you age. 

Figure out and be specific about what is bugging you about your body now.  Identify the triggers and possibly minimize your exposure to these. If you struggle with seeing your full body in a mirror consider one that just allows you to see the top half or don't place the mirror where you will be standing unclothed. 

Choose clothing that flatters your shape and allows you to feel comfortable.  Spend that money on a few outfits that make you great instead of many outfits that are fad driven and don't fit well. 

Be thoughtful about the social and print media you are exposed to.  You may want to unsubscribe, unfollow, unlike some media that feeds you unhealthy body image messages and be intentional about seeing ones that are supportive of the menopausal body. 

Target and reframe negative thoughts about your body. I think talking to yourself in ways that you would expect a friend to is a good rule to follow.  If a friend spoke to you the way you are talking to you and you think, "I wouldn't be friends with that person", then stop talking to yourself that way. 

Be thoughtful and realistic about the goals that you set for yourself.

Stay active doing something you enjoy.

If you are still interested in an active sex life at this time in your life, make sure you are talking with your doctor about the variety of lubricant options that are best for you. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

What are some tips to maintain work / life balance?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

Whenever we can be employed in a setting where we get to live consistent with our core values it helps a great deal with satisfaction. It helps us feel a sense of purpose in the work that we do.  It helps connect to "intrinsic motivation" which is when we feel an internal connection or reason for doing something. If our work is aligned with values, we are likely working with others that feel the same and that can improve co-worker relationships. When our work aligns with values we are likely more engaged and motivated to accomplish the mission, directives, or tasks. We may also be more motivated to stay in that field of work. It may also allow you to continue to make decisions that are consistent with your values and goals. 

Aligning your work with your values may help with work-life balance because this alignment (more than balance) can allow work and personal life to be a bit more fluid and one compliments or supports the other. If you are working in a position that feels aligned you are also less likely to feel the bunout that can come from being dissatisfied. When a conflict arises you are likely better equipped and motivated to resolve that conflict because of your value system. 

How do you align values with work? 

1. Seems obvious, but know your values.  This actually can be tricky and might take some time. You might need to do some reading, listening to podcasts, or even some therapy to figure this out. This sounds simple, but it can be a bit tricky.

2. Reflection - Identify what isn't working or doesn't feel aligned in your current situation. Identify gaps and opportunities. What are the company's values?

3. Be intentional about what is in your control and what isn't when you make your next career steps or decisions. Can you have an influence on company culture or the value system? Talk with your boss, find allies at work, choose your battles, do your homework - be articulate about data and how it supports what you are suggesting, and look for common ground. 

4. Be ready to find a new opportunity

5. Make changes, and review progress

6. Don't expect big changes overnight.

7. Be ready to set healthy boundaries (what's ok and what's not ok) and act with integrity (Doing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy) (adapted from Brene Brown)  

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Reasons to Unfollow Your Former Significant Other on Instagram

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

Why is it a good idea to consider whether or not to follow an ex on Instagram?

• Friendship: Some people are able to break up and remain truly friends. If you have an amicable relationship with an ex you might consider continuing to follow them on social media to help stay connected and keep up with each other's lives (see also co-parenting). 

• Mutual friends: If you share mutual friends with your ex, following them on Instagram may help you stay in the loop about social events or gatherings involving those friends.

• Closure: For some individuals, following their ex on Instagram can provide a sense of closure or help them move on from the past relationship. For good or bad, it can help remind us why we broke up in the first place. Seeing their ex’s life from that kind of distance can help make you feel a bit more in control of fluctuating emotions. 

• Curiosity: Human curiosity is natural, and people may want to know what their ex is up to or how they are doing post-breakup. Following them on social media can satisfy this curiosity. Be thoughtful about this because satisfying this comes at a cost of the “rubbernecking” or continued “heartbreak” when you see what your ex is up to. 

• Co-parenting or shared responsibilities: In cases where ex-partners share children or other responsibilities, following each other on social media can be practical for coordination and communication.

It’s rare that anything is all good or bad. There are some reasons that following an ex on IG is reasonable or even beneficial, but overall we have a somewhat negative reaction to it because it is fraught with problems. Most breakups are hard on us emotionally. Many of them involve the feeling of heartbreak for at least one person in the partnership. Heartbreak is a very real and physically painful experience. More recent science has shown that the feeling of a broken heart can result in the kind of bodily stress that heart does actually undergo changes and responds to the stress. This stress can be triggered by seeing images of the loved person. This is why we would tear up or burn old photos of our exs. Now with social media, it’s harder to do this, what’s more their image may pop into your feed when you don’t expect it. What’s more, we can forget that social media is curated and doesn’t really represent the truth of someone’s life. We can fall prey to a skewed representation of what they are up to and how they are doing. 

Seeing what your ex is up to, with people you used to hangout with (or vice versa allowing them to still passively see what you are up to and who you are with) may trigger significant jealousy and bring on additional hurt or worse, drama. Consider what boundaries you have in place to manage your own emotional well-being and what your ex may need in order to manage theirs. 

Even when the breakup was friendly and all involved have found a healthy way to stay involved, now we have to consider the new partner. A future partner may feel uncomfortable with that arrangement and believe that your continued involvement with this ex is a signal that you still have feelings for that person. Co-parenting younger children might be a good exception to this because it can often be helpful for younger kids to see their parents still getting along and staying connected on social media can be a way to show them this. 

When is it a good idea to not follow your ex on Instagram?

1. Managing your emotions: Staying off your ex’s IG account can help you manage uncomfortable emotions like jealousy, sadness, and resentment. Seeing what they are up to and with whom can be hurtful and even lead to unhelpful comparisons to how they were with you. This can lead to questioning worth and self-esteem. 

2. Closure: Getting a little (or a lot) of distance between you and your ex can be an important part of forgiving and moving on in your own life. Staying connected on social media makes that more difficult. 

3. Boundaries: Prentis Hemphill says, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” Keeping healthy boundaries allows you to move forward in your life and gives your ex the space to do the same. Priya Parker in her book The Art of the Gathering talks about not inviting someone to a party or gathering as a benevolent act because this means they don’t need to experience the stress of saying “no” or coming and not having a good time. Sometimes we need to consider not inviting someone to have access to outlives for those same reasons. 

4. Part of the picture: If you follow your ex on IG you are likely only getting a small snapshot of what is really going on with them. This small window into their lives leads to big opportunities to misunderstand and misinterpret what they think or how they are doing since being with you. 

5. New Relationships: Following an ex on IG can be a “bad look” in a new relationship. It sends the message that you may still have feelings for the ex or really haven’t moved on from that relationship. 

6. Comparison: Brene Brown talks about comparison as “be like everyone else, but better” and when you follow an ex on Instagram you can fall prey to comparing yourself to the people your ex is hanging out with now and worrying that you come up short. This can have real consequences for your self-esteem. 

7. Privacy: Let’s face it we don’t need our ex’s to know what we are up to since the breakup. Maintaining your own privacy as well as giving them the privacy to move on is important for both of you. 

If possible, it’s a good idea at the time of the break up to discuss and agree to unfollow each other. It’s always best to have respectful, caring, transparent conversation up front. This is not always possible, however, so in those cases, when you believe it is safe to do so, just unfollow the person. In today’s culture, it’s become relatively common to unfriend or unfollow people on social media. If you believe this is going to “blow up” and cause more of a problem, then Instagram give you a number of other options including muting the other person, you can set restrictions, and you can make a point of not interacting with their posts and stories and often the algorithm will respond by feeding your fewer of their posts and stories.

Much of the above advice does not apply to situations of abuse or domestic violence. In some situations, it is appropriate to involve law enforcement or an advocate that can help you in situations of interpersonal violence.

 Let’s face it, sometimes the general rule is ok to break. It can be appropriate to continue to follow your ex on Instagram if:

1. You have truly parted as friends or enough time has passed and a friendship makes sense again. Afterall, you shared some good times and personal history. Sometimes it makes sense to be connected on social media. It might even give you the opportunity to be a support to them if they are having a hard time with some other personal challenges. 

2. You are co-parenting. If you are raising a child or children together, being connected on social media may make good sense, especially as a passive way to share photos and updates. It can be helpful to see those things, but not have to communicate directly to receive those kinds of updates. 

3. You are still working or going to school together. Lots of relationships start due to proximity and it might be that even after the breakup your paths cross frequently. It might be ok to continue following your ex if they are an integral part of your work or school community. Your ex might even be a good network connection for you if you share career interests. 

4. Social or cultural commonalities. Again, proximity is often a determining factor in starting a new relationship and it might be the reason that you want to have a continued relationship over social media. Sometimes social and cultural communities are small and staying connected to someone that shares those same interests, friends in common, activities, or events is not a bad idea, or can even be good for your personal growth.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

How Can You Become More Charismatic?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

Why might people want to become more charismatic?

Social Influence: Charisma helps individuals influence, inspire, and connect with others effectively. Being connected socially is one of the most important parts of our humanness. Being a part of a group, tribe, or clan has always been essential to our survival. I think we are wired to desire social connections; yes, even if you are an introvert. Those connections are just fewer in number and the duration of connected time may be less.

Career Advancement: Charismatic people often find it easier to network, build rapport, and advance in their careers. Watching a charismatic person advance and know that it’s their personality that is providing them those opportunities, it’s natural to want that for yourself too.

Confidence and Personal Growth: Developing charisma boosts self-confidence and encourages personal growth. People with charisma are intentional about their communication skills, develop emotional intelligence, and use that emotional attentiveness to connect with empathy. This can lead to greater compassion for self and others.

Likability and Relationships: Charismatic individuals are generally well-liked and may be perceived as having more satisfying personal relationships. Although, it should be noted that this is when this quality is used in positive ways.

Leadership and Motivation: Charisma is valuable for inspiring and leading others, both personally and professionally. People who are reported to be charismatic have the ability to lead large groups of people and use their position to influence their “followers” choices. We see this kind of leadership in business, politics, religion, arts, media, and even in some therapists. Caution should be used when you have that kind of attention and audience. 

What is charisma?

Charisma is not something that we have the ability to measure, yet lay people tend to agree on it when they see or experience it. It is what we might call a construct - an idea of theory that is subjective. People who have this quality are described as having a likability, they are described as charming, and people feel pulled to be around that individual. We find ourselves wanting more. 

What makes someone charismatic?

Charismatic people possess confidence. They believe in themselves and others can see this confidence. This confidence is not arrogance, it is well-earned and accurate positive self-image. 

They are effective communicators; able to express themselves clearly and engage in active listening. They are engaged with their audience. 

Often these are people that pull people’s attention to them just by their physical presence. They possess an appearance, body language or manner of speaking that draws people in. 

Charismatic people are genuine and people can see and respond to that. They are confident enough to say “I don’t know”, they can share their interpersonal power with others and can connect emotionally with those around them. 

These are people who we often describe as “good storytellers”. We want to hear what they have to say, even if we have heard the story before, we want them to tell it again. 

What are ways to improve charisma, and why do you recommend them?

1. Self-confidence: build your self-confidence by practicing self-affirmation. Don’t hesitate to say to yourself “good job” or to think to yourself, “wow, I’m proud of how that turned out”. Make this part of your daily self-talk. Remember that we can’t be good at all things and we can’t get good at things until we endure the risk of failure.

2. Self-esteem: yes, this is different from self-confidence. Esteem is a more general assessment of yourself as a person. To develop this you need to be able to see past your own flaws (we all have them) and to know that it’s ok to have these flaws. You need to be able to know that “failures” are not people, but events. Thinking more objectively about yourself and the events in your life can help you develop more positive self esteem. 

3. Engage others: Listen carefully when others are talking. Never ask a question that you don’t have the time to listen to. A simple “how are you today?” is an opportunity to really listen and engage. Show genuine interest in others. You might surprise people if you really listen to their answer. Most of us ask and answer this question without a lot of thought. Next time, ask and really listen to the answer, maybe even ask an open-ended follow up question. 

4. Nonverbal communication: make eye contact when you are listening as well as speaking to others. Use your body language to tell the other person that they are the most important thing to you right now. Leaning your body in a little toward the other person communicates that you are fully engaged. 

5. Use the other person’s name: We tend to enjoy hearing our name spoken. It’s a great way to feel seen and heard by another person. It’s an acknowledgement of our presence and importance. It’s a simple thing, but write down the name of the service rep on the phone or ask the name of the wait staff at a restaurant (if they aren’t wearing a name tag). It’s a simple thing you can do to show people they are valued by you. 

6. Be real: Authenticity brings connection. Make an effort to share your experiences, both good and bad. Being relatable is important to being likable. This can be a good time to share something humorous about yourself. Don’t go all in on an embarrassing story that is too revealing, but just enough to make you human and create a safe space for others to do the same. 

7. Be empathic: Empathy is true connection with another person, it’s the moment when you can really relate to someone, even if your experiences aren’t exactly the same. You don’t have to tell them this story, you can just think it. As you are imagining the parallels in the two stories, you will be able to access the associated emotions. Attuning to emotions is the key to genuine empathy. 

8. Find opportunities: Where others see challenges and problems that have to be dealt with you find an opportunity. This is an important part of mindset training. If you train yourself to see opportunities, you will experience the associated stress as “eustress” (the good kind of stress), instead of distress. Eustress can even be described as “excitement”.

9. Bring others along: We all want to belong. Use your position to include others, this is sometimes called “power with/power to”. We can share the power we hold with others or we can view it as a finite resource. If it is limited, then we want/need to hoard it and we get a “power over” model. People are more responsive to the shared model, where we can empower them through our words and actions. We all want to belong and including others in an opportunity can make you seem more charismatic. 

Is there a such thing as being too charismatic? 

I’m not sure if there is a thing of being too charismatic, but it can definitely be manipulated and used to hurt people. The far end of that spectrum are individuals who might be described a psychopathic. These are individuals that often present themselves in a good light, but they tend to lack true empathy. They might be able to fake empathy and make others believe they have it, but it’s usually very shallow. These individuals then use their engaging natures to draw people in for their own personal gain. When they have gotten what they want, they discard the relationship and move on. The difficulty with individuals like this is they often go under our social radar until they have left your presence and then you might have this little feeling of being “worked” or manipulated. Often you don’t notice it at the moment. 

Are there risks associated with being too charismatic?

The biggest risk of being taken in by someone who is too charismatic is that you might be manipulated into decisions that you might not otherwise make. History is full of leaders that have convinced people to do things they wouldn't have otherwise done. 

Apart from the absolute dark side of this trait, if you are perceived as trying too hard, you run the risk of looking insincere or even narcissistic. Although, frankly when narcissism is a part of the picture, then you are likely missing the true self-esteem and self-confident piece of charisma. Narcissists are usually tooting their own horn so loud to convince others to do it as well.

If you are following someone who is very charismatic you might succumb to “groupthink” because you might hesitate to bring up a differing point of view for fear that their attention and inclusion of you would wane. Group-think happens in an environment where dissent isn’t heard or welcomed and a group’s decision making is compromised because it isn’t taking in all the information. 

Very charismatic people may struggle to live up to the expectations that others place on them. Others may over rely on them for validation and this can lead to unhealthy dependency or even burnout. 

What are some books, podcasts, or recommendations in general for people trying to improve their charisma?

• The book, The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism by Olivia Fox Cabane

• If you are feeling brave, try a comedy improv class. It can be a great way to come out of your shell, will teach you active listening skills, as well as the “power of the ‘yes, and’”. 

• Some of my clients have reported good success with Toastmasters as a place to learn the kinds of skills they needed to feel and be more charismatic. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Celebrate Love!

February, the month of love, is almost upon us, and the air is filled with the scent of roses and the anticipation of romantic gestures. While Valentine's Day traditionally focuses on expressing love to others, it's time we think a little about another kind of love – self-love. Let’s take a minute and be intentional self-positivity. By the way this is not “selfish”, it's the foundation on which all other forms of love are built. When you learn to love and accept yourself, you create your own happiness and self-confidence that positively influences your interactions with others and allows you to be a role model for the young ones in your life.

Here are some strategies to help you cultivate self-love this February:

1. Embrace Self-Care

Begin by scheduling self-care activities that make you feel good. Whether it's a spa day, a quiet evening with a good book, or a leisurely stroll in nature, make the time to prioritize you.

2. Practice Positive Self-Talk

We all have areas that we can improve and it’s sometimes easy to focus on those, but when was the last time you were intentional at noticing what you do well? We tell parents to catch their kids being “good”. When was the last time that you did this for yourself? Focus on your strengths, accomplishments, and unique qualities that make you special. Treat yourself with the kindness and compassion you would offer to a dear friend.

3. Set Boundaries

Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is an act of self-love. Learning to say "no" when necessary protects your emotional well-being and helps you find a healthy balance in your relationships.

4. Celebrate Achievements

Don't underestimate the power of acknowledging your achievements, no matter how small they may seem. Each step forward is a victory worth celebrating. Recognize your growth and progress.  Remember, sometimes just getting through something is the achievement.

5. Surround Yourself with Positivity

Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you. Distance yourself from toxic relationships that drain your energy.

Celebrate you this Valentine’s Day and when you do you will likely find that you have more to give to those you love in your life. Share this message and encourage others to do the same. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

What are some phrases you can use to disagree without causing conflict?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

Learning how to politely disagree is important for healthy relationships and positive self-esteem.  Being able to communicate effectively contributes to healthy relationships, constructive problem-solving and positive self-worth. Here are some key reasons why it's important:

1.     Promotes open dialogue: Polite disagreement encourages people to share their diverse perspectives and ideas. This openness fosters a more inclusive exchange of thoughts and opinions. If one person is withholding their ideas or opinions it teaches them and others that their perspectives don’t matter, sometimes leading them to be treated like a “doormat”. Sharing ideas, even when they are not in 100% alignment is a way to be more honest and authentic. It can be disingenuous to not share your thoughts and opinions.

2.     Facilitates understanding: When you express your disagreement politely, you create an environment where others are more likely to listen and understand your point of view. It may also encourage others to feel brave enough to share when they disagree. This can lead to greater mutual understanding and empathy on all sides.

3.     Strengthens relationships: Disagreements are a natural part of any relationship, whether personal or professional. Handling disagreements politely helps prevent conflicts from escalating and can preserve or strengthen relationships over time and helps to establish boundaries which are necessary in any relationship.

4.     Encourages critical thinking and personal growth: Polite disagreement encourages individuals to think critically about their own beliefs and ideas. It challenges them to refine their arguments and consider alternative viewpoints.  We gain creditability when we listen to others and even allow for the aspects in which they may be correct. We may even find an opportunity to broaden or even change our own views as a result of self-reflection and awareness.

5.     Supports problem-solving: Disagreements often arise when tackling complex issues or making decisions. Polite disagreement allows for a more effective exploration of potential solutions and compromises.  JFK famously surrounded himself with people who held a variety of opinions and would disagree with him after the debacle of the Bay of Pigs.  We can fall into “group think” which is a dangerous pattern in which groups of people who are like minded will tend to agree with each other, and even drift to a somewhat more extreme of that particular view or opinion (for example, being mildly or moderately “for” something can move to even more extreme support as a result of group think).

6.     Reduces conflict escalation: When disagreements are handled respectfully, they are less likely to escalate into heated arguments or disputes, leading to a more peaceful and productive environment.  Handling disputes early on and with respect can also help people avoid the resentments that can build and contribute to other tactics we can see in unfair fighting.

7.     Encourages constructive feedback: Polite disagreement often involves providing feedback, which can be valuable for personal and professional growth. Keeping conversations polite allows for constructive feedback, which can actually promote personal growth.

8.     Builds trust: When people know they can disagree with you without fear of aggression or hostility. They also know that you say what you mean and that they can count on you when you say positive things; they know that you mean them.

RISKS

Pretending to agree with someone when you don’t mean it can have some serious negative consequences.  There may be times when it's appropriate to avoid conflict by not expressing your disagreement with someone, consistently pretending to agree with someone is detrimental to you, them, and your relationships.

1.     Suppression of your true feelings: Continuously pretending to agree can lead to the suppression of your genuine thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. This pattern can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, and even stress as you stifle your authentic self. This can lead to some serious self-esteem and worth concerns for the person who isn’t making their ideas and needs known.

2.     Lack of personal growth: When you always agree with others, you may miss opportunities for personal growth and self-discovery. Constructive disagreements can lead to self-reflection, improved understanding of your own values, and the chance to refine your beliefs. You get a chance to ask yourself “what do I really think about this issue?”

3.     Weakened relationships: Pretending to agree can erode trust in a relationship over time. If others discover that you have not been honest about your true feelings or opinions, they may feel deceived or manipulated, leading to a breakdown in trust. I love Brene Brown’s work on Trust – it’s such a small word but is quite complex.  It has seven elements https://brenebrown.com/resources/the-braving-inventory/ many of these are violated if we are not honest with ourselves and others.

4.     Ineffective problem-solving: When you always agree with others, you may miss the chance to identify and address potential issues or problems. Constructive disagreements can lead to more effective and sometimes creative problem-solving and decision-making.

5.     Lack of respect for your boundaries: Consistently pretending to agree can make others assume that you will always comply with their wishes or opinions, potentially leading to a lack of respect for your boundaries and preferences.

6.     Difficulty in asserting yourself: Over time, pretending to agree may make it more challenging to assert yourself when you genuinely need to express your disagreement or stand up for your beliefs. Asserting your position and using your own voice is like a muscle and it needs to be “exercised” for it to feel familiar and comfortable to use when you really need it.

8 PHRASES:

1.     “I would like to respectfully disagree….”

Why: This phrase allows the speaker to alert the listener that the speaker has a different opinion and plans to offer that in a way that is respectful.  I think alerting the other person that this difference of opinion is coming, helps them to hear it more thoroughly

2.     “That is interesting, I’d offer my opinion…”

Why: This reminds the speaker and listener that what was just presented has merit and perhaps the disagreement is coming because the topic is engaging and maybe we are up for further conversion.  It can also remind us to slow down when feeling the pull of disagreement.  Slowing down our response can help us grow and see the merit in the other side of the argument.

3.     “Thanks for sharing that information, my take is…”

Why: I believe that “thank you” is always appreciated, but it has to be genuine.  This response can signal to the listener that maybe you hadn’t thoroughly understood the issue or thought about their perspective.  That said, just because they have offered a new take, doesn’t mean your opinion will change.

4.     “I can see your perspective, and I’d like to add…”

Why: I love the power of “and” it is additive.  “I can see your perspective but…” takes away from what the other person is saying.  The “and” in this case tells your listener you want to contribute to what they are saying.  You are more likely to mitigate defensiveness with this kind of response.

5.     “I can hear that, and I feel differently….”

Why: “I understand” or “I get it” are over used and not appreciated by the listener.  In large part because often it’s not true.  Often the other person doesn’t “get it”, not at least to the satisfaction of the speaker.  “I can hear that” doesn’t assume a level of understanding that really isn’t there to begin with.

6.     “Are you up for hearing an alternative?”

Why: This is about boundaries.  We often violate the boundaries of others without even realizing it. Asking the other person if you are ready to hear another perspective gives them a chance to consent to that part of the conversation or to say “No, I think that might be too upsetting”.  At very least they can walk away knowing that you think differently about the topic. 

7.     “I have a different viewpoint that I’d like to share…”

Why: I think this phrase is good for much the same reasons as above.  This version is a bit softer and less of a direct request for consent, but it no less signals to the other person that you have unique thoughts on the matter.

8.     “That’s really cool, and what role does XYZ play in that?”

Why: This phrase is a great way to show curiosity for what the other person just said.  Active listening keeps you engaged and tends to keep defensiveness at bay.  Asking this kind of open ended question can help the other person provide an explanation that might even address your concern or perspective.

WHAT NOT TO SAY AND WHY

“Now you’re just being dumb” (or some other insult) Avoid personal attacks. Refrain from making personal insults, name-calling, or derogatory comments about the person you disagree with. Stick to discussing ideas and opinions rather than attacking the individual.

Don't dismiss their perspective: Avoid phrases like "You're wrong" or "That's ridiculous." Such statements can be dismissive and express contempt for the other person and shut down the conversation. Instead, try to understand their viewpoint before presenting your own.  Keep the conversation about the idea and not the person.

Avoid making it personal: Keep the focus on the topic or issue at hand, and don't bring up unrelated personal matters, grudges, or past disagreements.

“You really should have…” is an admonishment that isn’t going to go over well in a disagreement.  In order to keep a conversation civil when tensions are running high, you will want to save any kind of corrections or suggestions for a time when they can be offered and heard in a constructive way.

I like to challenge myself to be curious – “in what way is the other person right?” This reminds me that most people enter a disagreement with the basic assumption that they are right.  When I can connect to this and restate it in a way they feel heard, it increases the likelihood they will hear me out as well.

Don't use absolutes: Avoid phrases like "always" and "never" when expressing your disagreement, as they can come across as overly rigid and may not accurately represent the other person's position.

Avoid condescending tones: Speaking down to someone (either making your word choice overly simplified when it is not called for or exaggerating or elongating words for effect) or using a condescending tone can escalate the conflict and make the conversation unproductive. Treat the other person with respect and courtesy.

“Let me just interrupt you right there…” Don't interrupt: Allow the other person to finish their thoughts before you respond. Interrupting can be seen as disrespectful and can hinder effective communication.

Avoid sarcasm: Sarcasm or even jokes at the expense of the other person can easily be misinterpreted and may escalate tensions. It's better to be straightforward and clear in your communication.

Don't exaggerate or make assumptions: Stick to the facts and avoid exaggerating or making assumptions about the other person's position or intentions. Misrepresenting their viewpoint can lead to further misunderstanding.

Avoid overgeneralizing: Be specific in your disagreements and avoid making broad, sweeping statements. Provide evidence or examples to support your viewpoint.

Don't use emotional manipulation: Avoid guilt-tripping, emotional manipulation, or trying to make the other person feel bad for their opinion. This is not a constructive way to engage in a disagreement.

Avoid one-upping: Don't try to outdo the other person by listing your accomplishments or knowledge to diminish their perspective. Instead, focus on the merits of the argument itself.

Don't make it a competition: Avoid turning the disagreement into a competition to see who can "win" the argument. The goal should be to arrive at a better understanding or resolution, not to prove yourself right. Once you are focused on “winning” you have probably lost.

STRUGGLING TO BE HONEST

If you are struggling to be honest, but you disagree try these things:

1.     Practice active listening: Start by actively listening to the other person's perspective without immediately responding or expressing your disagreement (a nonjudgmental/curious stance). This gives you a chance to fully understand their viewpoint, motivations, and concerns. Active listening shows respect and empathy, which can help create a more open and receptive atmosphere for a productive conversation.

Why it's beneficial: Active listening allows you to gather information and insights that can inform your response when you do decide to express your disagreement. It also demonstrates your willingness to engage in a thoughtful dialogue rather than simply contradicting the other person.

2.     Choose the right moment: Timing is crucial when expressing disagreement. Look for an appropriate and respectful moment to share your perspective, rather than immediately challenging the other person's viewpoint. Consider the context and environment to ensure that your conversation can be conducted in a calm and focused manner.

Why it's beneficial: Picking the right moment reduces the likelihood of an emotionally charged or confrontational exchange. It allows both parties to engage more rationally and constructively, increasing the chances of a productive discussion. Remember, just because you disagree, it doesn’t mean you need to give voice to that disagreement right now.  Sometimes the best path forward is to pause and not try to “solve the problem”, but to create empathy and empathic attunement (this is from the work of John and Julie Gottman)

3.     Use "I" statements: When you're ready to express your disagreement, use "I" statements to communicate how you feel or what you think without placing blame or making the other person defensive. It can be very tricky – even in my practice with clients as we role-play these conversations I will slip up.  My goal is to get the “you” out of the statement. For example, say, "I see things differently because..." instead of "You're wrong." This approach takes ownership of your perspective and promotes a more respectful and non-confrontational tone. I especially like and use the “Compliment, I feel ___, I need ___” approach in conflict. 

Why it's beneficial: "I" statements focus on your feelings and thoughts rather than making the other person feel attacked or criticized. They encourage open dialogue and are less likely to escalate the situation into an argument. With “compliment, I feel ___, I need___” it helps to remind you and the other person about what you like and respect about the other individual or their perspective.  Then you can be very clear about your emotional experience, finally, you have a chance to share what you need in a transparent way.  This gives your listener a chance to help out or collaborate.  

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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What is the "the boyfriend effect" people are talking about on TikTok?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

The "boyfriend effect" is real.  Gen Z doesn't have a lock on this effect, they just have social media platforms to talk about it.  We have long known that when people get into committed relationships they tend to dress down a bit, gain weight, and there have even been studies that show when women are married to men, the men live long, but women's longevity is diminished.  

Cis Het women traditionally and generally speaking feel a pull to "care take".  This is likely socialization at work.  We women (I can put myself in that category) get into long term relationships and we tend to make sure our partners (and anyone else in the relationship, i.e. kids) get taken care of first.  We have been trained from an early age to meet the needs of others before our own.  In doing so, we can "forget" or neglect our own needs.  This probably results in the "girlfriend effect" by which women tend to help men stay healthy by encouraging them to go to the doctor etc.  We likely do other things like clean, do laundry, and cook, which are often of great benefit to the men we date or marry.

None of this is a harbinger of doom for you or your relationship, but likely this current generation is noticing these changes and is asking themselves a very important question, "Is this what I want and does it fit with who I am?"  Sometimes we are giving our impossible beauty standard a break and that might be a good thing.  We can then celebrate our natural beauty, We are finally not having to "try so hard to be enough".  That is a wonderful thing, but for those women who feel lost without those pieces of their identity, they have been experiencing anxiety or depression because they have let too much go.  Maybe in those cases their expectations were not realistic or they forgot to keep their own needs a priority.  In those situations you see women saying they are not showering and don't want to get out of bed.  In those cases, it might be time to seek some therapy help.

Relationships are funny things because we can be one version of ourselves when we enter a relationship and yet leave feeling like we have changed (sometimes for the good and at others for the bad).  It is always important to have a voice in your relationship.  If this is slipping away you can start by sharing the concern with your partner.  In healthy relationships we see the other turn "turn toward" our needs (a Gottman concept) and help us.  If your partner is dismissive of this, then it might be time to seek the help of a therapist.  At play can be things like attachment style or unhealthy beliefs about self that can lead to losing oneself inside of a relationship.   

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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What is "sleep debt"?

Recently Dr. Dan Kessler was asked that very question. Here's his response:

It is important to think of missing sleep not as borrowing money you need to return, but rather as missing a meal or two. If you borrow money, it accumulates and you have to pay it all back. If you skip a meal or two, let's say because you are sick, you just have to have a decent meal and you are back to feeling better. You don't have to eat three meals worth of food to be satiated. 

Now if you were to miss a meal every day, or miss a lot of meals, you'd have to make that up over time in order to gain back weight, and with sleep there does seem to be an impact of missing sleep day after day, but again, you don't have to make up all of that sleep over time. You just have to get solid and stable sleep on an ongoing basis in order to "catch up" and be back to being okay. You still don't have to "pay back" all the missed sleep on an hour for hour basis. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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Why should you go to therapy, even if you don't think you need it?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

Sometimes we go to therapy, even if we don't think we need it. The times when this is most important are when people are giving you the same feedback again and again (eg. hearing the same complaints from multiple people). Therapists can help you see that it likely isn't "them", it might be "you". 

It might also be a good idea to try therapy when you have a "feeling you just can't shake". Sometimes we don't know why a feeling is "hanging around", but if that's the case, maybe some personal work will help you resolve it.

I also love the idea of therapy when you are the "healthy" individual in an unhealthy relationship because it can really help you put some things in perspective and step away from letting yourself feel hurt again and again by the same patterns. 

Talk therapy can be useful when wanting to take the next steps in your career because talking with a neutral party can help hold up a mirror and identify patterns that are holding you back. Talk therapy isn't just for "mental health reasons" it's really for those who are ready to grow and change old patterns.

Last, I think therapy is a great idea when you are anticipating major life changes (marriage/divorce, kids, moves, new jobs, or even a death of a loved one). Talking with an expert BEFORE these things happen can help normalize thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of yourself/others, leading you to be less harsh on yourself and others when they do occur. It can help you be more confident as you navigate life's most challenging moments, cope when it is tough, and know that you are not alone. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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How do you get unstuck?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

Getting unstuck can be tricky. The best way I navigate this is:

1. Take a moment to listen to my self-talk - really listen. This is the step that I find most people skip. If I can identify what my internal dialogue is saying, I can find the reason I am stuck. 

2. Challenge the things I'm telling myself that are keeping me stuck. 

3. Am I stuck in "motion vs action"? Am I stuck in the planning phase when taking action will do? I can revise as I go. 

4. Identify the "next smallest step" that I need to take in order to say that I "started" whatever task I'm stuck on. Sometimes this is just "putting my name at the top of the paper", committing to 5 min of an activity, or even just doing the thing that is closest to me and then doing the next thing. 

5. Review my progress and process so that next time I keep in mind what worked and use it for fuel next time.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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What do you do when you feel lonely?

Recently, Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked just that. Here's her response:

When I am lonely I try to identify what might be causing that feeling. I'm an ambivert and need a good balance of social contact and alone time. If I realize that I need some social time, then I think about which friend might be able to help me fill that need. I might call a close friend for deep conversation, or seek out a friend who is available to sit on the porch or around a bonfire for some camaraderie. I also make plans in advance with friends, we have a standing dinner night. This latter strategy helps if I'm feeling lonely and can help myself by just looking forward to something enjoyable. 

Other times I have felt lonely, even when I'm with people. This kind of loneliness has to do with me feeling excluded or even worse, like I'm not enough/don't belong. This kind of lonely is really hard because this is when personal worth can get a little shaky. The only solution here is to really listen to myself and get myself straight. That means I need to focus on accurate self-talk and not negative comparisons with the others around me. Sometimes I just need to remind myself that it's ok if I don't fit into every group or always have something interesting to contribute to the conversation. It can be enough to listen and ask questions. This self-talk reminds me to really let others shine. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms?

A client recently asked Dr. Gayle MacBride about Cameron Diaz's comment about sleeping in separate bedrooms. Here's Dr. MacBride's response.

A growing number of Americans are choosing to sleep separately. There can be some benefits to this arrangement, but there can also be a cost associated with it. 

The benefit of sleeping in separate rooms may include getting better quality sleep and we know that feeling well-rested can lead us to be our better selves, maybe even leading to less arguing and bickering that comes from feeling sleep deprived. 

• Improved Sleep Quality: If one partner snores loudly, tosses and turns frequently, or has different sleep schedules, sleeping separately can lead to better sleep quality for both individuals. I have been a therapist at the Department of Veterans Affairs and sometimes Vets are reluctant to sleep with partners because they thrash about and might accidentally strike a bed partner. 

• Reduced Disturbances: Some people are light sleepers and easily disturbed by their partner's movements, snoring, or CPAP machine. Sleeping separately can reduce these disturbances and promote better rest. Also, in my practice I sometimes see people who sleep separately because one person in the partner wants/needs to sleep with a pet, but this same pet is disruptive to the other partner. They will sometimes sleep in separate rooms to accommodate both. Similarly, if your bed partner has nightmares and the result is that they become very sweaty, then it may work better for them to sleep in a different room. This is also true if your bed partner is a woman who is going through menopause and having sleep disturbances related to this hormonal change. Often these women can require a change of sleep-wear, sheets, and fans or ice packs to cope with significant temperature changes at night.

• Independence: It can provide each partner with their own personal space, which may be important for some individuals who value their independence and alone time. This might even include a partner who has trauma in their past. For these people it can be difficult to share a room because they may struggle to feel safe or settled enough to sleep well. 

• Health and Hygiene: If one partner is sick or contagious, sleeping separately can help prevent the spread of illness. This being said, this is not a routine reason to sleep separately. 

Routinely sleeping in a separate bedroom can have a negative impact on the long term health of your relationship. While this arrangement may be growing in popularity, there are distinct costs associated with this choice that should be considered before you make this choice for you and your relationship. 

• Reduced Intimacy: One of the most common concerns is that it can lead to a decrease in physical intimacy and emotional connection between partners. Sleeping in the same bed with a romantic partner can release oxytocin. Oxytocin, often referred to as the "love hormone" or "bonding hormone," it is a neuropeptide that plays a crucial role in social bonding, trust, and emotional connection. It is released in various situations, including during physical touch, intimacy, and bonding experiences. When you sleep in close physical proximity to your romantic partner, such as cuddling, hugging, or simply sleeping together, the physical contact and emotional connection can stimulate the release of oxytocin. This hormone can contribute to feelings of love, affection, and attachment between partners. Oxytocin is not exclusively released during sleep but can also be released during moments of physical affection, sexual activity, and other bonding experiences. This chemical plays a significant role in promoting emotional intimacy and strengthening the connection between romantic partners.

• Communication Issues: If couples are not sharing a bedroom, it may reduce opportunities for casual conversations, bonding, and pillow talk. Pillow talk can be some of the most important connection and communication opportunities during a busy day, especially if you have young children. Time together in bed is the time we talk about the dream we just had or to share small bits of information that may seem superficially meaningless, but help contribute to what the Gottmans (relationship experts) call Love Maps (which is your understanding of your partner). 

• Physical Closeness: Sharing a bed allows couples to experience physical closeness and touch, which can contribute to a sense of intimacy and connection. Cuddling, holding hands, and other forms of physical affection are more accessible when sleeping together. Frankly, sometimes when one partner has sleep trouble, like insomnia, we may instruct them to "go to bed" with their partner with the intention of cuddling, which results in them relaxing enough to sleep while getting them around the temptation of "sleep effort". Sleep effort is the term we use when someone is "trying to fall asleep", which can be counter productive to sleep. 

• Emotional Bonding: The act of sleeping side by side can create a feeling of emotional intimacy and security. This physical proximity can lead to more spontaneous conversations, sharing of thoughts and feelings, and a deeper emotional connection. Again, there may be a role for helping soothe a partner if they struggle to feel safe at night due to trauma or anxiety. If the latter is true, then it gives your partner a chance to "show up" for you. 

• Shared Experiences: When couples share a bed, they experience daily routines and rituals together, such as going to bed and waking up at the same time. These shared experiences can strengthen the bond between partners and foster a sense of togetherness.

• Intimacy and Sexuality: For many couples, the bedroom is a space where they engage in physical intimacy and sexual activity. Sleeping in the same bed provides easy access to physical intimacy, which can be an important aspect of a romantic relationship. There may be an increase in spontaneity or simply logistical access. 

• Bonded Sleep Patterns: Sharing a bed often encourages couples to align their sleep patterns, which can be beneficial for maintaining a harmonious daily routine and minimizing sleep-related disruptions.

• Perception of Problems: Some people may perceive sleeping separately as a sign of relationship problems, which can contribute to stigma or misunderstandings. If you are not both aligned with sleeping in separate rooms and one person is only "just ok" with that arrangement, it can create problems and resentments. 

• Societal Expectations: Society often promotes the idea of couples sharing a bed, so there may be external pressure or judgment from others. It may even be the reason that one person in the relationship isn't really ok with sleeping separately. 

• Cost and Space: For me Cameron Diaz's recent comments about sleeping separately were just a bit tone deaf. Our current economy has many people struggling financially. This means they do not have a separate bedroom, it means that sleeping separately will require one of the people to be sleeping on a couch or in another more public area of the home. It's just not feasible to have separate bedrooms, let alone separate houses as she suggests. This kind of arrangement can be very costly at a time when two-income households are "just making it" or one person needs a second job. This additional pressure almost certainly will contribute to unhappiness and problems in the relationship. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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Happy (Almost) New Year!--Resolutions.

For many of us the New Year brings resolutions with the hope of improving ourselves and our lives. However, we can also find ourselves struggling to stick to these well-intentioned plans. Today I hope to help set realistic, achievable New Year's resolutions and provide ideas to stay on track.

Tip 1: Set Specific and Achievable Goals: 

The key to a successful resolution is specificity and realism. Instead of vague goals like "get fit" or "save money," be more specific. For example, "exercise for 30 minutes three times a week" or "save $100 every month." This clarity makes your goals more tangible and easier to manage.

Tip 2: Break It Down into Smaller Steps

Large goals can be overwhelming. Break them down into smaller, more manageable steps. If your resolution is to write a book, start with writing a certain number of words each day or outline one chapter per week. Celebrate these small victories – they add up to big achievements. I often ask people “what is the smallest step you can take and still say that you are working on your goal?”  That is often the best place to start with breaking down a task or goal. 

Tip 3: Track Your Progress and Stay Accountable

Keep a journal, use an app, or simply mark your calendar to track your progress. Make tracking and accountability obvious.  These tools should be set up so that you can’t miss seeing them and they should be as easy as possible to use. 

Conclusion

Remember, the New Year is not just about setting resolutions but also about embracing a continuous journey of self-improvement. Stay focused on making small and consistent changes that are sustainable all year long. There is no such thing as 21 or 90 days to build a habit.  It takes a lifetime of engagement and intention!. Here's to a year of growth, achievement, and fulfillment!

Best Wishes for a Prosperous New Year!

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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Can you (and/or should you) be friends with your ex's new partner?

That's a question Dr. Gayle MacBride gets from time to time, so she put together some thoughts to help guide people in similar situations. 

Becoming friends with an ex's new partner is very tricky and for the most part isn't something that people do for all the reasons you can imagine:

1. This is emotionally complex and will take a great deal of emotional maturity on the behalf of ALL involved.  One of you can spoil this delicate balance. 

2. Unresolved feelings - this can be hard because sometimes you don't realize you have feelings until you see them happy or unhappy with someone else. 

3. These unresolved feelings can lead you to do or say things you should with the new partner

4. Awkward moments - you know WAAAAY too much about this potential new friend's partner (aka your ex), then where does your new partner fit in this whole thing?

5. Drama. Sometimes people outside of the three of you might even stir this up (knowingly or unknowingly) this will be perceived as pretty juicy. 

6. The two of you might be able to swing it, but has the ex consented to this new friendship and vice versa, does the new partner feel ok with you being back in the life of your former flame?

It is possible and maybe even a good idea in certain circumstances:

1. Maybe you were independently friends with this person before they were dating your ex.

2. It might be ok if you share common interests that are outside of your ex (the topics of your talks should NOT be about your ex, especially comparing details of intimate moments, telling tales about the ex's family with the new partner, or "dishing" on your break up - if you talk about this stick to facts and keep it simple, remember this new partner cares for your ex ).

3. Most tricky is if you BOTH have truly moved on and neither of you harbor feelings, AND the new partner also agrees that they are comfortable with this arrangement.  If you've both moved on but the new partner doesn't feel secure in this, it can lead to problems. 

4. If you and the ex have children together and you continue to co-parent, then being friends or friendly with the ex's new partner might be helpful.  This is especially true if they are a fairly significant person in your ex's life. 

5. It can be easier to accomplish this if you both have a good network of people to support you both.  It's problematic if the people in your support systems are corrosive to any of the relationships in question. 

6. All involved need to have very good boundaries and be comfortable asking about and negotiating "what's ok and what's not ok" 

I like using Brene Brown's 7 elements of trust here: boundaries, reliability, accountability, the vault, integrity, non-judgment, and generosity. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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Coping with the Holiday Stress: Tips for a Joyful Season

As the holiday season approaches, with its festive lights and joyful gatherings, it's easy to overlook the stress that often accompanies this time of year. Amidst the cheer and merriment, the pressure of holiday preparations, and family dynamics can weigh heavily on many of us. We would like to offer a bit of  practical advice for managing holiday stress, ensuring that the season remains a time of joy and celebration for everyone.

• Plan Ahead: Organize your holiday tasks early. Whether it’s shopping, cooking, or decorating, a well-thought-out plan can prevent last-minute rushes and the stress they bring. Consider using apps or a planner to keep track of your to-do lists and deadlines.

• Set Realistic Expectations: Remember, perfection is not the goal; enjoying time with loved ones is. It's okay if the cookies aren’t perfectly shaped or if the decorations are a bit askew.  What matters most is the warmth and spirit of the season.

• Take Time for Yourself: Amidst the hustle and bustle, don’t forget to care for yourself. A quiet walk, a relaxing bath, or just an hour with a good book can recharge your batteries and reduce stress levels.

• Stay Healthy: Don’t let the holidays disrupt your healthy habits. Eat balanced meals, get plenty of sleep, and engage in regular physical activity. This will keep your energy levels up and stress levels down.

• Seek Support If Needed: If you find the stress overwhelming, don’t hesitate to seek support. Talking to a friend, family member, or a professional can provide relief and perspective.

Remember, the essence of the holidays is not in the grandeur of celebrations, but in the joy and love shared with those around us. By managing stress effectively, we can all ensure a happier, healthier holiday season. Let’s make this time of year a truly magical and stress-free one for everyone!

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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A Few Words About Sleep

First, a quick disclaimer: this cannot substitute for an evaluation by a medical professional and this little article doesn’t constitute medical advice. 

I think we all have heard that sleep is very important not only to your mental health but your physical health and longevity. This is true. There can be many reasons we are not sleeping well and getting good sleep might only seem like something other people can get. We hear and read many things about sleep, but it can be hard to know what to believe, and it can get complicated trying to follow all the advice out there. 

When my business partner and I treat sleep disorders, we try to make it far less complicated and we tackle some of the myths out there (and I’ll tell you there is a fair bit of misinformation out there). I think most of us know that sleep needs change from childhood into adulthood, but after that did you know that our need largely remains the same? What does change as we age is what that looks like in terms of how the sleep cycle changes. We can start to experience more wakings at night, especially toward the morning hours.

Another myth out there is that a “good night’s sleep” is one in which we do not wake. This is simply not true. Most of us wake during the night (and no, it’s not just your bladder). Waking during sleep time is normal and the hope/expectation is to be able to return to sleep relatively quickly. The key to this is to not stress out that you have awoken or to count how many hours or minutes you have until you must be up for the day. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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Three Common Misconceptions about Sleep

Sleep is essential for our health and well-being. It helps us recharge our batteries, improves brain function, and supports a healthy immune system. However, there are still many myths and false beliefs about sleep that are circulating. In this post, we'll address the most common misconceptions and set things straight.

• Misconception #1: You can catch up on lost sleep over the weekend: Raise your hand if you've ever stayed up too late working on a project or binging a show and thought, "it's okay, I'll catch up on sleep this weekend." We've all been there, but unfortunately, it's not that simple. Trying to compensate for missed sleep during the week by sleeping longer on the weekends can actually throw your body's natural sleep-wake cycle off balance, making it harder to fall asleep and stay asleep during the following week. Experts recommend sticking to a consistent sleep schedule as much as possible, even on weekends.

• Misconception #2: Everyone needs 8 hours of sleep each night: While 8 hours of sleep may be the recommended amount for the average adult, the amount of sleep needed can vary from person to person. Some people may feel refreshed after 6 hours of sleep, while others may need up to 9. It's important to pay attention to your body's individual needs and adjust your sleep schedule accordingly.

• Misconception #3: Snoring is harmless: Snoring can be annoying to bed partners, but it can also be a sign of a potentially serious sleep disorder called sleep apnea. In sleep apnea, breathing repeatedly stops and starts during the night, causing disrupted sleep and leading to an increased risk of heart disease and stroke. If you or a loved one snore regularly, it's important to consult a healthcare professional to rule out sleep apnea and determine the best course of treatment.

In conclusion, sleep is incredibly important for our health, and it's essential that we bust these common misconceptions for the sake of our well-being. Remember, the best way to ensure a good night's sleep is to establish a consistent sleep schedule, make your sleep environment comfortable and distraction-free, and pay attention to your body's individual needs. Sweet dreams! 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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