Blog and Media Collaboration

Are you finding yourself struggling with figuring out how to go out without drinking alcohol?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Stacey Colino from US News & World Report, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

Going out without drinking is not about missing out—it's about showing up more fully. In fact, there’s even a growing trend of dry vacations that people are referring to as “drytripping.” Many of the same ideas apply for going out in general as they do with a longer, extended vacation. There are lots of great reasons to abstain from drinking. It might be a focus on your health, avoiding a hangover, or just seeing what life feels like without alcohol (sort of an experiment), there are creative ways to stay social without drinking.

Set the tone early.

I often tell my clients it’s ok to name the thing before it happens. This helps us get around “what will they think?” because now you know what they will think, because you’ll tell them the story before they have a chance to make one up. So, before you head out, decide how you want the night to go. Just say, “I’m not drinking tonight.” By the way, there’s a second benefit here, you have now declared your intention to others and this increases the likelihood you’ll follow through with that intention.

Be the planner.

Choose a venue or activity where alcohol isn’t the focus— try a cozy coffee shop, a late-night dessert run, an art class, a hike, or even find a local Sober Bar. You can steer the vibe just by suggesting something fresh.

Hold something.

Whether or not you tell others you are not drinking tonight, try ordering a fun non-alcoholic drink—mocktails, flavored soda, sparkling water with lime, or even something custom. Bartenders are increasingly creative with zero-proof options, and no one needs to know what’s in your glass. Keeping something to sip in your hands helps you feel connected socially and may decrease the feeling of being left out.

Reframe the purpose.

Remind yourself why you're going out: to connect, laugh, listen, share. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and changes judgment. Staying sober may allow you to be more in the moment and make those choices to support your relationships. It changes your intention from drinking with friends to being with friends.

Team up.

Invite a friend who’s also not drinking or might be willing to try it with you. Having even one person in sync can make the experience more comfortable and supportive.

Prepare for pressure.

Some friends might ask questions or push a little—most of the time their response is curiosity, not judgment. Keeping cool may even make them interested in joining you next time. Try these low-key replies:

• “I just feel better without it.”

• “I’ve got an early morning tomorrow.”

• “Trying something different this week!” Then, change the subject or ask them a question.

Redefine what “fun” feels like.

Observation is a powerful skill. Practice noticing how your body and brain feel without alcohol, even before an evening out. Then notice what you feel and observe during and after the night out. Then review, were you more tuned in, what was that like? Do you remember more? What is the next morning like? That data matters. Over time, it can become its own motivation.

Make an exit plan.

Have a go-to reason to leave if the night turns into a bar crawl or pressure ramps up. Keep the plan simple, offer it without apology. “The food was amazing; the Rainbow Rice was my favorite. I’ve got an early morning tomorrow so I’m going to get going. Have a great rest of your night.” Knowing you can leave helps you stay grounded and enjoy the time you do spend out. Paring this with a specific thing that made you feel good, that boost of gratitude, helps reinforce the decisions you are making.

Celebrate the choice.

You're not missing out—you’re making room. I like to talk with my clients about FOMO vs GOMO. Instead of focusing on what you are missing, think about what you are grateful to miss out on. miss Without alcohol, you may find better sleep, more energy, sharper memories, and new ways to bond with friends that don't rely on shared drinks.

And if you do decide to drink in moderation on occasion, that’s okay too. The key is being intentional and staying connected to why you’re making the choice. Alcohol should enhance or be a part of an experience. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

What is the Best 'Slow Living' Hobby for Women Over 50?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parents magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

What is slow living?

The pace of our world has a staccato rhythm to it. We live and work in short bursts punctuated by a flurry of activity, often detached from other people and the next activity often has nothing to do with the first. It begins to have a feel of dread, not unlike the opening notes of Beethoven’s 5th symphony – da da da daah. Slow living gives you the opposite feeling. It’s intentional, mindful, connected and often emphasizes simplicity. This kind of living allows you to live in a way that emphasizes well-being and emphasizes quality over quantity.

Why can it benefit people, especially women 50+?

As a culture we can often feel like we always have to be “on” and productivity and having little to no free time has become a status symbol, like the right handbag or fancy car. That kind of expectation to always be responsive and to tie your worth to productivity can become dangerous because it can result in a chronic stress response – cortisol, adrenaline, inflammation if you will. We know that when the body is constantly battling stress, we are more likely to become ill and take longer to recover from illness and injury.

Don’t get me wrong, stress is all around us and the body does not really know the difference between getting a promotion and getting laid off. It’s strange to say that, I know, but it’s true, there’s no such thing as good or bad stress, at least as far as your body knows. We are all told to “manage your stress” and that often translates to “lower” or “eliminate” stress, but I don’t think that’s what we need or even want. That would lead us to live in a bubble. We simply need to allow our bodies the time to cycle through a stress response. When we have a system of experiencing stress, recovery, stressor, recovery, we can start to develop resilience. Slow living is a great way to slow everything down and be intentional about recovery time.

Women who are 50+ can especially benefit from this intentionality because they have often been running ragged for decades. They are often the ones who have worked their whole adult lives, they may have raised children, been a part of their communities, cared for aging parents, and not allowed themselves much down time to recover from the constant da da da dah of their life’s stressors. This group of people (Women over 50) are still being killed by heart disease and cancer more than any other cause. Both of these disease processes are worsened by inflammatory processes and can be mitigated by the principles of slow living. Still not convinced, then consider the brain health reasons. We know that learning new things stimulates and helps keep your brain healthy. Staying engaged in learning can even forestall symptoms of dementia.  

What is your favorite slow living hobby for women 50?

I’m totally biased here. I love the idea of ‘if you have made it, you can eat it’. Want chocolate chunk ice cream? Sure, make it. But you aren’t going to down a tub of your favorite store-bought brand, because it’s going to take hours to make and the urge or craving is going to pass or be less intense, leading you to eat less of it.

The idea of making what you eat, hits me in all the right places. This helps me eliminate the junk that makes food super addictive and unhealthy. It allows me to use “Nature’s wrappers” instead of packaging. It allows me to treat food with care and to really enjoy the food I put in my body. Treating food as medicine allows me to slow down and be intentional about what I put in my body and listen to what my body is telling me it wants. It’s also a lovely ritual that requires time every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I also find that it helps me be creative because I might have an ingredient that I used for one recipe and now I get to think about how else I might want to use it. Finally, it also inspires a sense of wonder. When I see something made, often I’m shocked and impressed at the simplicity (mayonnaise is a wonderful example of this – it was previously a mystery, but a very simple recipe).

Why do you love this hobby, especially for this population?)

I love seeing women over 50 embrace scratch cooking and baking because for the first time they may be slowing down enough to make the time for themselves. It’s also something that be increase social connection – cooking with a partner, children, or even passing along a special recipe to a grandchild. When we start to cook and eat in this way, it can be more budget friendly, helping these women feel a bit more in control of finances as they think about retirement. It is a perfect idea for women as they enter menopause and find that weight, shape, and energy changes. This is a wonderful opportunity to learn what their changing bodies need for nutrition.

How might someone get started with the hobby?

As with anything, start slowly. If you try to flip your life upside down, you will end up stressed and be back where you started. Make one small commitment to yourself today, this week, and build on that next week. Maybe your first challenge is what is something I can make with what is already in my cupboard? Is there a family recipe that my grandmother made that I want to try? Chances are, your grandmother did a lot of this kind of cooking, those smells and tastes of childhood are powerful motivators to repeat this healthy behavior. My grandmother was a bread baker. It was her mission to give everyone that visited her a fresh loaf of bread. When I even just think about that my whole body slows down to enjoy that memory.

What are at least 3 other slow living hobbies you love for women 50+?

Slow living can be achieved whether you live in the country, ‘burbs, or the city. If cooking isn’t your thing, then consider anything else that lets you pause the “bustle” and connects you to the moment and others around you. Take out the automation, ask yourself, what would I be doing right now if I didn’t have technology at my fingertips? Try not just taking a walk but commit to a “mosey” or a “stroll”. Really look at the things around you. What has changed from day-to-day? When my kids were little, we took “Spring Happenings” walks where we tried to notice signs of spring that were different from the day before, a bud here, greening of grass, etc.

If you are someone who loves art, try a pottery class. Using a wheel to make pottery requires you to be in the moment and paying attention to your body relative to the clay, literally an earthly material. When you are done consider giving your creations away to the people you love. They will love to see what you’ve been up to and won’t mind if it’s a little bottom heavy.

Still not convinced, try something that slows you down and lets you tune into your body, like archery. You thought I was going to say Yoga, didn’t you? Of course, that’s great and I do recommend it, but I’m hoping to create access and doing that sometimes requires us to be a little creative. Picking up a bow and arrows for the first time can give women a unique opportunity and the “newness” of this can help them really tune into themselves. Archery requires breath work, stillness, and being grounded to the moment. Enjoy the “thwip” of the release and the “thunk” of the arrow meeting its target.

What are your top 3 tips for women 50+ who want to try new hobbies?

1. Start small and be patient – don’t buy all the equipment and try to get into a new hobby elbows-deep right away. Borrow things from others, make small steps and scale upwards from there. Use challenges as opportunities to get better. Failure is always a better teacher than success.

2. Failures are events, not people – slow living is about taking the pressure off, not putting it on. These slow living ideas aren’t supposed to complicate your life, it’s supposed to be life enhancing. So, if something doesn’t turn out like you want, give yourself the grace to try again.

3. Connection to others – create a community around your new hobby. Feed others, gift them with your creations, or take a class. Using a new hobby as a way to meet and connect with others is at the core of slow living. Get out of the office and into your life!

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Women Who Are Lonely in Life Often Display These 10 Behaviors Without Realizing It

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parents magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

Why is it common to understand common behaviors of loneliness in women?

In the summer of 2021 Sanjay Gupta identified a loneliness epidemic that he noticed as a result of living through a global pandemic. In 2023, a survey found that nearly one in four adults across the world have reported feeling very or fairly lonely. I'm not sure this is getting significantly better even as the pandemic is for the most part in our rearview. As a psychologist I have continued to pay attention to this data. I frequently remind my clients that “humans are a deeply social species”. What I mean by this is humans don't thrive in isolation. In fact, isolation is a punishment found in prisons but thought by some to be cruel and unusual. I think women are particularly vulnerable to the loneliness in a way that others may not be. Women can feel extremely lonely, but society still expects us to conceal this experience. There are a number of psychosocial reasons for this expectation. These reasons are often both internal and external.

Loneliness has very real and significant impacts on mental and physical health, social support systems, and even lifespan. Loneliness has been linked to anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, higher cortisol levels, a worsening of chronic conditions, and even increased difficulty recovering from health events. Why are women maybe more vulnerable? Because they are often expected to be primary caregivers and, as such, may be asked to mask their own needs or hold internal expectations that they have to care for others before caring for themselves.

You may be surprised to learn that even some women who are very socially active, may still feel deeply lonely. This is likely an emotional loneliness that is not fully addressed by just being around other people. Sometimes women increase their social activity simply to avoid alone time, but this does not mean they feel connected to others; it's simply avoidance of being alone. Other women, when struggling with connection, may withdraw from family and friends because they don't want those family and friends to see their “neediness”. There is a social stigma attached to being too needy. As a substitute these women may begin to increase their engagement on social media platforms, increase shopping behaviors (because this can give us the dopamine hit), binge watch TV, or emotional eating to fill their emotional void.

Why might it be tricky for women to admit loneliness or detect it in themselves?

There are significant psychosocial reasons why women are reluctant to admit feeling lonely, feel empowered to do anything about it, or even see it in themselves. Women are particularly vulnerable to feeling invisible or forgotten. Many of the traditionally gendered tasks that they often take on are those that can be supportive or occur in the background, often allowing others to flourish. There is stigma and shame attached to being lonely. They may struggle with the thought of “what's wrong with me” or “I'm not good enough” which often perpetuates the cycle. This is intensified by the implicit expectation that women are the glue, or the people, who cultivate friendships and build community. It becomes extraordinarily difficult when a woman feels disconnected to admit that she has failed at this expectation.

Women, and especially mothers, who are also busy professionals, can feel overloaded with their responsibilities. These women are working, managing their family, and engaging in social obligations. With this many contacts with other people women can feel like they have no right to feel lonely. But often these are only superficial relationships that are not fulfilling. They often take work and energy, so they can actually be a bit of a drain on the person responsible for maintaining these relationships. Some of my clients also report that they feel lonely in their romantic relationships because they're partner does not understand their dilemma and when they bring a problem to their partner often, they're met with problem solving, which is often not what these women are looking for. Most often they tell me they just want to be heard and held by their partner, not fixed.

Loneliness may be an invisible problem to some women because they have spent so much time prioritizing the needs of others that they have lost touch with their own emotional state. They have internalized or taught themselves to suppress their own emotions and are focused on appearing strong. These messages start early when women and girls are often told “quit crying”. Very early on this messaging tells girls that their emotions really have no place and encourages them to ignore them. They’re told: “rub some dirt on it" and move on; “just deal with it”; “get over it”; and “you're being too emotional.” These are all explicit ways that our society tells women that their emotions have no place, especially in a “man's world”. By this, I mean, if you want to be seen as an equal across our population you need to behave in certain ways or else you're seen as less than.

What are to at least 6 behaviors of women who are lonely?

1.  Over-committing and over-scheduling. Filling your calendar with events and obligations does not mean you feel meaningful connection and are emotionally supported.

2.  Digital escapism. Hours of scrolling, binge watching, and frequent social media posting can be an attempt to replace connections. Some even use this to feel close to online or social media personalities

3.  Seeking external validation. One may rely heavily on compliments and praise to feel valued and substitute this for real connection. You may even see them over-apologizing or engaging in people pleasing just to maintain the appearance of connection.

4.  Staying in unhealthy relationships. When you feel lonely, you can be very fearful of giving up the connections you do have, even if they are toxic or draining. It can be hard to hold a boundary and walk away when you are emotionally drained, but fearful of the abyss of truly being “all alone.”

5.  Avoiding. Some individuals avoid social gatherings and decline invitations not only out of exhaustion, but also the fear of rejection. They may struggle with feeling like an outsider or like they don't truly belong

6.  Numbing. As always, a really effective way to numb emotional pain is to engage in other activities in excess. Often these activities are things that give us temporary reprieve such as consuming alcohol, emotional eating, and excessive shopping.

What are signs or behaviors of loneliness in women. 

Overfilling a social calendar does not mean you are fulfilled. Some women choose to pack their calendars with events, obligations, and meetings. Often these women find that they are surrounded by people but still feel disconnected and unsupported. This is occurring because these individuals are only engaging in surface level interactions. Perhaps they are so busy that they haven't left themselves time to form those deeper level more meaningful relationships. Constant busyness serves as a distraction from acknowledging the loneliness and likely self-perpetuates because it makes them feel exhausted, unfulfilled, and unable to deepen those surface relationships, even if a great friend or social support person is right in front of them.

Women who cope with loneliness by excessively engaging in social media or digital escapism find themselves scrolling content, commenting in online debates, or even constantly checking their notifications because this has replaced in person connections. It's pretty clear right now that social media provides us with quick hitting dopamine that is on a self-administered drip, as it were. Because these interactions happen on a platform that actually is quite distant, paradoxically these women can feel a deepening sense of isolation which requires them to return to the platform again, and again to feel good. The emotional loneliness, however, is worsening because they now are immersed in a world in which they are only seeing someone else's curated feed.

Women who cope with loneliness by seeking constant external validation will likely compensate for feelings of invisibility by becoming overly reliant on praise from colleagues, friends, and family. There are people pleasing tendencies have them struggling with their boundaries as a result of their fear of rejection. Self-worth becomes synonymous with how they think others view them and they can become overly focused on perceived performance and perfectionism. Ultimately, this leads them to overcommitting on committees, at work, or acting beyond their scope of responsibility within their families. This may result in them working extraordinarily long hours, sitting on boards or chairing social committees even at the expense of their own mental health and downtime, or even being fearful of expecting others to contribute (like kids cleaning their own rooms, Or participating in household chores).

It is an incredible social taboo for women to be alone. We even have incredibly negative terminology, “spinster” the word itself conjures up an image that is very different than the male equivalent, “bachelor”. It is no wonder that women will go to extraordinary lengths to not be alone. Women will endure toxic friendships, an emotionally neglectful partner, or even exhausting family dynamics rather than risk being alone or being perceived as being alone. They often tell themselves that something is better than nothing, even if they feel worse in the long run.

Brené Brown talks about the difference between “belonging” and “fitting in”. This resonates because at a very early age girls are encouraged to “fit in”, this means look like everyone else in your group, like the things that they like, and make sure the members of the group agree that you get to continue being a part of that group. This is different than belonging, which is the feeling of being accepted in a group for who and what you are. Couple this with our deep need to be social and you have a recipe for self-exclusion when “fitting in” is in doubt or question. We then may find themselves withdrawing despite their need for belonging because they may believe that fitting in is too difficult or they are at risk of rejection from a particular group. Now this doesn't have to be actual rejection, it can just be the perception or fear of rejection. This is often based on someone's low sense of self-esteem or fear that they are burdening others. This often looks like feeling invisible in a crowded room and worrying about being exposed for not having a right to be there.

Avoidance and numbing are not uncommon responses to pain, even if the pain is emotional. It can seem easier to deal with the pain by binge watching a television show and socially acceptable to declare your bottle of wine your best friend. This may seem funny, but it may also be a unhealthy way to deal with loneliness. Emotional eating and the dopamine hit that comes with retail therapy is no substitute for deep emotional connections in friends or partners, even if they are socially acceptable.

What are your top 3 tips for working on loneliness? For each, please say why you recommend and/or how to implement in real life. 

It's hard and scary to push beyond our social anxieties, I understand that. Connection with others is the best way to combat loneliness. We may have to meet many people until we find the one who helps make us feel seen and heard. It's worth finding a few quality people and developing a deeper friendship than surrounding yourself by many people and feeling seen by none. This may mean that you should take the risk of reaching out to someone in your social group that you haven't spoken to in a while but find yourself missing. Or even take the risk of asking someone to meet you for coffee one-on-one. Make sure you prioritize these kinds of interactions and “social dates” to fill your own cup.

Don't try to be like everyone else and just fit in. Think about places where you feel true belonging and cultivate that. Think of what's most important to you or capitalize on your interests and commit to interacting in that space with those people on a consistent basis. This might be attending an event once a month. If you're not sure, do an experiment, try out different groups and see what you like and where you feel comfortable. Just because a group or interest may make sense, doesn't mean it's a good fit for you. Be willing to walk away if you don't feel that connection.

Loneliness and being alone are not the same thing as loneliness is painful and isolating, being alone and enjoying the solitude can be restorative and fulfilling. Approach being alone with intention. Use this as an opportunity to get to know yourself better, come up process emotions and feelings and value yourself. If you are an introvert, you may need more of this alone time to recharge. If you are an extrovert this may take special intention and will need to be balanced with social activities. Use alone time to journal, have a chat with yourself, or even just quietly walk through your surroundings observing what's around you.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

What Parents Need to Know about Fanfiction, the Pop Culture Phenomenon Teens Love

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Marilyn La Jeunesse from Parents magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

Should your kids read fanfiction?

I’ll start with the annoying, but often most honest answer – it depends. As I mentioned in my previous message, I’m a psychologist who sees adults and these are the kinds of questions or decisions my clients are making regarding their kids. I’m not a child expert, but I do help parents walk through these kinds of decisions.

Does it depend on the type of fanfiction or your kids maturity level? What helps you make that call?

Yes, it totally depends on lots of things. Let’s break down the good, bad, and ugly.

The Good:

1. We always want to encourage kids who want to read. Reading fiction, among other things, has been shown to help people develop a sense of empathy. Often fanfic is written in a more accessible way and can feel less intimidating than traditional fiction.

2. Fanfic is a great way to encourage kids to develop critical thinking skills. Fanfic is one person wondering what would happen if we changed the storyline in these ways? Then the reader gets to decide for themselves if that seems like a reasonable possibility.

3. Fanfic is often written by individuals whose interest is to explore diversity though the lens of a beloved character. In these works you can find LGBTQIA+, neurodiversity, and disability perspectives often neglected in mainstream literature. This can broaden perspectives, but it can also create a point of connection because sometimes we don’t see ourselves in the heroes and storylines that are presented in mainstream media, but fans can help with this. Feeling like you belong is a powerful experience, especially for kids.

4. It’s a natural extension of kids already do. Many of us may have already written fanfic, we just didn’t call it that. Kids have always had a vivid imagination and this kid of literature validates the importance of this and can encourage kids to write their own stories.

5. Writing fanfic can also be an effective tool for a child to process their own emotions. It can be an alternative to journaling. It's often easier to talk and write about someone separate from yourself as a way of processing these big emotions and life experiences.

The Bad:

1. While reading fanfic may give kids and teens ready access to a variety of perspectives, it’s also not uncommon for some of the platforms that host fanfic to be relatively unmoderated. Kids might begin reading something that is more mature or explicit than they are ready for. This can include content that is violent, sexual, or other themes that are not age appropriate.

2. The writing quality varies widely. Some writers of this kind of fiction are skilled amateurs and others are less sophisticated. Children can be exposed to poor grammar, weak storytelling, and even historical and scientific inaccuracies that can negatively influence a child’s understanding of writing, language, and facts, undermining the education they are receiving at school and at home.

3. Again, fanfic is often relatively uncensored and certainly not required to be adherent to the original “brand” of the character. While you can find diversity, you also find a reinforcement of unhealthy ideas, biases, and toxic behaviors, including unhealthy expectations for relationships, and possibly the glorification of abuse.

4. Reading only fanfic may distract or create a disincentive to read other words that are mainstream or even assigned as a part of school work.

The Ugly:

1. Stay curious and open minded about what you child is reading or otherwise exposed to (this includes things like knowing what video games they are playing but that’s another topic). Talk with them about what they like, which authors they prefer and why. Stay interested in what your kid is interested in. This is often going to take effort and time, but it’s really no different than knowing who their friends are. Our job as parents is to help them learn to be critical thinkers about all of their relationships, this includes their relationship to stories, fiction, and authors.

2. Always be mindful of online safety and have age appropriate protocols in place at home. You decide what these are based on your kid and their maturity level. If you aren’t sure how to navigate this, you can look up resources and ask other parents for their ideas.

3. Encourage your kids to think critically about the writing. Ask them questions to help them think deeper like “why do you think this author wrote about this in this way?” or “Compare this to the original story.” Have a conversation about stereotypes or ideas that are overrepresented in the writing. Make it a challenge for them to find grammar mistakes. In other words, reinforce the behaviors you want to see in your kids outside the fanfic world.

4. Often restricting something a kid wants to do, see, read, etc doesn’t work well. So, make sure you do the research to find safe places that are better moderated for kids or set content filters to help protect them from being exposed to something they aren’t ready for.

What age is best for fanfiction?

This is highly dependent on the kid and the family.

Generally, kids 8-10 may find themselves starting to gain this kind of interest. Often these kids do best with themes that are more light-hearted. Guide them to sites that are highly moderated, maybe read it before they do, and definitely have deeper conversations about what you both are reading. As kids get a bit older (11-13) their interests are going to change a bit, and this will likely show up in what they are reading. These kids are interested in themes that are helping them prepare for their own upcoming changes, including relationships and the ability to handle darker content. Again, help moderate where they are getting content and monitor themes. Help them discern good writing skills and challenge them if they are emulating bad habits in their schoolwork. Kids who are a bit older again are looking for something more complex and mature. The content may be getting more explicit here and the interest in alternative universes is likely growing at this point. Continue to talk with them about biases and unrealistic portrayals of things like relationships and mental health. Parents with kids at this developmental age can ask kids to talk about more complex ideas including ethical issues. After 17 kids are likely largely independent in this regard. With careful teaching, boundaries, balance, and skills they can navigate these fanfic spaces in more positive ways.

How should you talk about more mature themes of fanfiction with your kids?

In fanfic you find mature themes like romance, sexual activity, mental health, violence, and identity exploration. I encourage parents to start with an open mind. Begin your conversations with curiosity and you’ll likely get more from your kid. If you start with judgement they often shut down or it becomes an argument or worse, you drive the behavior/interest underground. What I mean by this is that they still engage, just unregulated, unmonitored, and likely unsafe.

We are always teaching media literacy. This is just another opportunity to reinforce safety online. Talk with kids about what might be a red flag and make a plan with them about how you want them to handle it. Give them options like this is a concern and here’s my plan for that, this really worries me or doesn’t align with our family values and this is what I’d do about that. Finally, this is a topic or theme that is unsafe or harmful and there’s yet another appropriately scaled response to that situation.

Continue to also reinforce critical thinking, values, and talk about consent and boundaries. Use fanfic as a jumping off point to help you reinforce what you are trying to teach your child about these things, even if they are unhealthy representations of these concepts.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

What is toxic parenting, and what to do about it?

These are questions that Dr. Daniel Kessler was recently asked. Here are some of his thoughts on the topic.

1. How would you define a toxic parenting trait/behaviors? Why do certain parenting traits leave children feeling hurt, confused, or even traumatized?

I chafe a bit at the term "toxic" because truly toxic people don't see themselves as problematic and so won't change. Most parents mean well and really care, but often in meaning well they can engage in behaviors that cause more problems than they resolve. We all recognize overly critical and harsh parenting as problematic, but going to the other extreme can also cause problems. To some degree, and in a safe manner, children need to "run with scissors and play with power tools." No, we don't let them run amok with dangerous things, but we also shouldn't be overly protective.

2. Please share 1-2 toxic parenting traits/behaviors that parents should avoid.

With the caveat about "toxic" parenting, sometimes parents are overly positive towards their children. We need to praise their successes and praise their efforts, but also provide accurate (age appropriate) feedback when they falter. Similarly, allowing the natural consequences of behavior is important. Children need to succeed and children need to fail. I recall one of our children playing in his first football league. His team won the championship the first two years he played, and I recall hoping that his third-year team would lose a few games and would not win the championship. As great as it was to win, he also needed to experience losing and coping with that loss. Similarly, when children do poorly at school or misbehave, it is important for them to experience the reasonable consequences of these actions, much as it is critical for them to experience the positive consequences of doing good work or behaving well. Neither unreasonable harshness or unreasonable praise is helpful. What an overly critical parent has in common with an overly positive parent is that neither can be trusted to be truly honest in their feedback.

3. What should parents do if they identify some of these traits in behaviors in themselves? How can they work on avoiding them, while also being compassionate toward themselves and their children?

We need to recognize that we all make mistakes as parents. Our goal shouldn't be to make no errors, but rather to be open to the reality that we will screw up from time to time, and then own those errors. One thing we can do as parents to really help our children in this regard is to tell our kids when we make mistakes and apologize in a meaningful and honest way. This modeling of acceptance of responsibility can be powerful. We expect it from our kids, so we should show it to them, also.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Is Your Teen on NarcTok? Here's What You Need to Know

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parents magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

What is NarToc?

NarTok is that corner of TikTok where people swap war stories about surviving narcissists—think of it as intended to be a support group of peers. They hope to expose and identify gaslighting and point out red flags like it's a parade. The narcissist can be a parent, boss, or romantic partner. Often the content of these videos shares the user’s personal experiences, their ideas about warning signs, and suggestions about coping strategies. Quite often these videos are not made by professionals, although this is not always the case. So even when a professional is weighing in, it’s important to keep in mind that it is difficult to cram all of what we know about narcissism into a 3-minute (or shorter) video for mass consumption.

What is Narcissistic personality disorder?

Personality Disorders, including Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), are always maladaptive ways of getting needs met. NPD is a long-standing pattern of behavior and interpersonal dynamics characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. When clinicians diagnose a personality disorder, we see it impacting relationships across multiple domains or in various roles. In the case of NPD these individuals may not see it, but it does cause impairment in their relationships. Often these individuals think others are the problem, so they rarely seek out therapy or treatment.

In your opinion, is it being misunderstood in today’s society — and on platforms like TikTok — if so, how? What are some misconceptions vs. truths about NPD?

Living in a TikTok world, where we rely on short video clips to inform us about all kinds of issues leads to massive misunderstandings. This trend on social media is a function of algorithms, which means it’s a self-reinforcing loop, like an echo chamber that gets louder and louder. Unfortunately, we see people making serious decisions about their relationships, including going “no contact” or “very limited contact” based on limited or skewed information.

All of this said, being a victim of a person who is narcissistic is distressing and even damaging to one’s self-esteem. It’s understandable that we want to cry from the rooftops “watch out” when we see even subtle warning signs of a problem. It’s clearly a situation that the victims feel being overly cautious is worth it to protect those being harmed.

Part of the issue with over identifying this pattern is that our current research and understanding of NPD is this diagnosis occurs only in about 1.6% of the US population. This rate is slightly higher than the rate of schizophrenia and comparable to the number of people in the US who have Crohn’s Disease. So while it’s possible your boss has NPD, it’s not probable, from an odds perspective.

It's important to remember that NPD is a spectrum. Every first-year psychology student suffers the same fate. We open the DSM and start looking at the diagnoses and think to ourselves, “gosh, I do those things, maybe I have that diagnosis.” Or “I know someone like that!” But with study and experience you learn that these traits are on a spectrum and while many of us possess traits consistent with these disorders, we don’t qualify for a diagnosis.

I think that most people today also need to keep in mind that NPD isn’t about having TOO MUCH self-esteem, but rather these people struggle deeply with insecurity and their behaviors are a way to mask that or to pull you into filling their void. It’s not about wanting attention or because they are inherently evil, it’s the way that person has learned to navigate a world where they perceive threats to their well-being. This makes it difficult to form trusting relationships with them. They often are not fully aware of these patterns because their worldview is skewed.

NPD can’t be “fixed” with love and patience alone. To be in a relationship with someone high in NPD characteristics means setting firm boundaries with them. Don’t assume they don’t have feelings so you can just treat them any old way, because they are not devoid of emotion, and you might do more damage by reinforcing their skewed thinking. Instead, understand that people with this disorder will struggle with empathy (but not be totally devoid of it) and will focus on self before thinking of others (although it’s not impossible for them to think of others). Nor are all abusers people with NPD. While some people who are abusive have also NPD; some people with NPD do not abuse others. There is an overlap, but it’s not a one-for-one relationship between these two things.

For some teens, might NarToc be a way to vent — albeit in a hurtful and very public way — about fraught relationships with parents? Why might a teen lash out in this way?

It is developmentally normal for teens to complain about their parents or believe their parents are being unjust and unfair. Part of this process is what we call individuation. A teen in our current society is meant to begin separating from the (developmentally appropriate) dependency they had on their parents in childhood to prepare for adulthood and becoming self-reliant. Like any skill, it takes practice. Remember when they were 3 years old, and everything was “me do” all the time? Yeah, it’s kind of like that on a larger scale.

It’s also natural for teens in this generation to be on social media. They are often very comfortable in this space. After all, many of us have parented these young ones and shared their accomplishments/stories on our own social media, and so it’s logical that they have transitioned to their own social accounts. Many teens don’t think twice about their pictures, words, and ideas being shared with a wide audience, many/most of whom they don’t know.

Combine this pattern with the ultimate dopamine hit we get when our social posts get attention – likes, shares, comments, etc – and you will find that putting your views on display creates a very high-reward environment. Furthermore, on social media we are likely to be reinforced for what we are looking for (the algorithm feeds you more of what you watch). You combine these elements, and you have a highly addictive reward system that results in a perfect storm for teens to lash out at parents very publicly.

What can parents do if they find their teen on NarToc?

Ideally, we are intervening before this point in time. We have to teach social media literacy from a very young age. Also, be careful about how you talk about others, especially in front of your kids (they are listening and observing you). If you are judging others and identifying them as narcissists, then your child may be influenced by your behavior and echoing what they hear at home.

That said, if you are scrolling one of your accounts one night and your kid’s face is staring back at you from a NarTok, then it might be time to have a conversation with your child. That conversation will go over like the proverbial lead balloon if you start with what John Gottman calls a “harsh start up”. In a potentially difficult conversation, it’s always best to lean-in a little bit. This is going to be especially true if kiddo thinks you are the narcissist. The very essence of a narcissist is a lack of empathy, so this conversation can only happen once you have checked your defensiveness and anger or embarrassment about the content of the video. “I’m not a narcissist” is really only going to be data they will use to confirm their conclusions. After all, narcissists are self-absorbed and think they do no wrong, right? Similarly, telling your kid, “I’m not a narcissist, you are,” won’t help either. Yet, you are right that children tend to be more self-absorbed, but it’s important to remember this is appropriate to their developmental stage. So check your urge to point it out to them, because in that case it’s normal and appropriate for children to have an inward focus that may appear narcissistic.

Once you have a good handle on your emotions, you can talk with your child about their perspective of being a kid and how they view you. Be ready, you might hear things you don’t like or don’t agree with. That’s ok, be willing to listen. It’s important you don’t let the child just deride you, set boundaries like “it is ok to share with me things that frustrate you, and it’s not ok to yell or name call as we have this conversation.”

In these kind of hard conversations I try to challenge myself to imagine how the other person might be right about some aspect of the complaint and take responsibility for that before trying to explain my point of view. This is likely not a “one and done” conversation. If your child is on TikTok making these kinds of videos, it may be a sign that you are likely not resolving this difference today or even this week. Over time with patience and understanding we usually can get to a healthier place.

What can parents do if they just hear their child/teen using the word to speak about anyone? What are the questions they can ask/ways they can respond in a non-judgmental way, that may also let them guide them/teach them misconceptions?

First and foremost, always check yourself. Are you talking that way about people? If yes, then use that as a jumping off point. “I overheard you say this the other day and it surprised me, but when I gave it some thought I realized you may have heard me say similar things. We all make mistakes, let’s work together to do better.”

If this is totally out of character and not consistent with modeling at home, start in a place of curiosity. Begin an age-appropriate conversation with the child. You can use a version of “I overheard you describe that other person as a narcissist. I’m curious what does the word narcissist mean to you?” “Narcissist is a pretty strong label. I’d feel more comfortable if you could be more descriptive about a person’s actions rather than applying a label.” Remember, a Narcissist is someone who wants to believe they are special and needs others to validate this for them. They often seek special attention and may manipulate others to get what they need, even if this hurts others, to fill their own buckets. It is also important to remember that not everyone who behaves in selfish, mean, or arrogant ways has this as a disorder.

Selfishness and Narcissism are different in the fact that someone who is selfish may be annoying in the moment, and we can all have selfish moments. True narcissism is a much more problematic pattern that includes a lack of empathy for how their behavior impacts others. It is important in this conversation to validate how the child feels when interacting with the identified individual. Talk with them about ways they can have choices in those interactions. I always think it works best to tell someone what you want them to do rather than focusing on what you don’t want them to do. If the child is faced with someone in a difficult relationship, encourage them to set healthy boundaries and discourage them from using diagnostic labels. Validate that it can be confusing to tell the difference between these two things because content creators on social media have influenced how we think about this. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental health condition and should be diagnosed by professionals.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

How Women 50+ Self-Sabotage Their Finances

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Sheryl Nance-Nash from Provoked by Susan magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

When it comes to women ages 55+, financial self-sabotage is often deeply tied to emotional and psychological roots, shaped by personal history, societal expectations, and the coping mechanisms they’ve relied on for decades. For example, women born in 1970 or earlier often were raised with a different relationship to debt and feelings about financial security. They may even have struggled with or against traditional gender roles when it comes to money and money management. Here are some of the ways that I’ve seen women hurt or limit themselves financially. Understanding the root causes helps us build strategies to address them effectively.

1. Over-giving to family and loved ones

   • Why it happens: Many women in this age group have internalized the role of caretaker and believe their worth is tied to their ability to nurture others. Women of this era were largely raised to believe their families happiness was their responsibility. This often stems from long-standing gender roles and the expectation that women put others first, even at their own expense. Women of this generation often were taught to seek their worth in the approval of others. They tell me that one of their biggest shame triggers is being seen as selfish.

   • Strategy: Be intentional about where you end, and others begin. Set a clear scope of responsibility and understand that this can be dynamic (for example, little children need a lot from their parents and those needs change over time). Set clear boundaries and be clear about where your worth comes from (hint: it’s not from what you can give others, it’s by being you). Practice saying “no” kindly but firmly. CBT techniques like cognitive restructuring can help reframe and challenge thoughts around shame.

2. Going overboard with holiday gifts or milestone celebrations

   • Why it happens: For some women, lavish spending during holidays is an attempt to “right” the past, especially if they grew up in financial scarcity or without emotional security. The mindset is, If I couldn’t have it, at least my loved ones can. We may not even realize that we are acting on unresolved childhood deprivation. Material generosity doesn’t heal old wounds.

   • Strategy: Be clear about what emotional triggers are tied to overspending and give thought to the intention behind a purchase before you make it. Create a budget and stick to it by focusing on the experience of connection rather than the cost of gifts.

3. Overcommitting to charitable donations or causes

   • Why it happens: Overspending doesn’t just happen with family. For many of the same reasons as above, women over 55 may struggle with their worth being tied to their spending/giving. This group was also raised during a time of protests and deep commitments to a cause, now when they feel an emotional connection to a cause they feel compelled to over-give or over-spend. 

   • Strategy: Set a donation budget annually. Before making any new donation, ask: Does this fit within my plan? Also, practice delaying donations for at least 24 hours to ensure they are intentional.

4. Excessive online shopping (especially for comfort items or “treats”)

   • Why it happens: Online shopping often becomes a coping mechanism for stress, loneliness, or boredom. Women who may be adjusting to large psychosocial and role changes like children leaving home or retirement, shopping provides quick dopamine hits and may give the illusion of control.

   • Strategy: Track shopping triggers. Replace online shopping with healthier coping behaviors like a 10-minute mindfulness exercise, a walk, or calling a friend. CBT can be used to challenge automatic thoughts like I deserve this, so it’s okay.

5. Helping adult children financially beyond their means

   • Why it happens: Many women feel responsible for their adult children’s success or see financial support as a way to stay connected and maintain relevance in their lives. This can be a version of “helicopter” or “snowplow” parenting. 

   • Strategy: Set firm limits on financial support and communicate them clearly. Don’t shy away from difficult conversations; have those difficult conversations with partners, family, and adult children to help you differentiate between helping and enabling.

6. Avoiding financial planning or budgeting due to fear

   • Why it happens: Money can be a major source of anxiety, especially for women who weren’t taught financial literacy growing up or who left finances to a spouse. Fear of making mistakes or seeing the reality of their situation can lead to avoidance. These women were also raised in an era where their role models paid cash and were often debt averse. 

   • Strategy: Challenge your perceptions about debt and consider gaining some additional financial knowledge. Start small. Work with a financial planner or coach, and break tasks into manageable steps. There is a growing field of therapy called Financial Therapy that helps people manage stressors while understanding current advice or thinking about financial planning. 

Key Advice for Breaking the Cycle of Self-Sabotage:

• Recognize the underlying belief. Self-sabotage often begins with a thought: If I don’t do this, I’ll lose approval or connection. Identifying and challenging this belief is the first step to change.

• Focus on financial self-care. Just as women are taught to prioritize physical and mental well-being, they need to view healthy financial habits as a form of self-respect.

• Build accountability. Working with a financial advisor, therapist, or support group can help reinforce boundaries and encourage healthier habits.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

What Is ‘Eldest Daughter Syndrome?’ 11 Signs To Look For

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

What is the eldest daughter syndrome?

Eldest daughter syndrome is in fact not a syndrome or diagnosis at all. It is a pattern that we have noticed that most often occurs in the oldest daughter of a family. This term is a way we describe the experiences and challenges that can be unique to the eldest female child in a family.

This experience can include things like being given extra responsibilities, feeling as though people place high expectations on you, feeling like your role in the family is to keep everyone else happy. Individuals who are born into families with these dynamics have learned to withhold their emotional responses and may tend to put other people's needs above their own. Often, they were raised with phrases like “you’re the oldest, you should know better” or “be a better example for your younger [sibling]”. Sometimes families need the oldest to be more self-sufficient because there are younger sibling(s) to take care of and other times it becomes the job of the oldest to help take care of those younger than themselves.

What are 11 signs of eldest daughter syndrome?

Obviously oldest daughters in various families look different, and it might not even be a daughter that internalizes these patterns. Some of the things listed below may even be mutually exclusive to other ideas.

1. Over functioning. Eldest daughters may disproportionately feel responsible for their families. At a young age they may learn that the family is relying on them for some crucial aspects of their functioning. When oldest daughters grow up, they may continue to over function and do things for people when others are perfectly capable of doing them for themselves. They may struggle to sit back while others do.

2. People pleasers. Often the oldest female born to a family can feel invisible or ignored and unless she is gaining attention through her achievements. Individuals who learn to gain attention by receiving “gold stars” may continue into adulthood under the same misguided notion that they have to earn the attention and affection of others through their accomplishments, which include making others happy or comfortable.

3. Boundaries. Setting boundaries can be difficult, sometimes especially so for the eldest daughters. Two of the main drivers of this difficulty are over functioning and people pleasing. Families who function in this way may neglect to support their eldest daughter’s autonomy. They may explicitly or implicitly also teach them that their boundaries are inconvenient for others. Saying no and asserting their own needs becomes difficult later in life.

4. Perfectionism. Again, this seems like a setup. Eldest daughters receive attention through people pleasing and achievement-oriented behaviors. They often continue to work harder at achieving because the primary focus is making someone else happy. This is a recipe for perfectionism, rather than an internal satisfaction with high performance; it’s a focus on what will make “them” happy.

5. High anxiety. The eldest daughter of a family may exhibit high levels of anxiety. This can range from a constant but nagging “neurotic” level of anxiety to full-on Generalized Anxiety Disorder or even panic disorder. These people can be driven by the constant worry about the well-being of others. They are often focused on things outside their control and worry becomes a substitute for that control.

6. Lack of self-care. It becomes really difficult to focus on yourself and your own well-being when your main mission in life is the well-being of others. Eldest daughters can struggle with making time for their own needs. This can translate into difficulties making time for themselves later in life because they are not prioritizing the families of their making (their own partner and potential children), over self-care and their own downtime.

7. Resentment. After a lifetime of comparing herself to the rest of the family and seeing what appears to be unfair treatment or expectations, an eldest daughter may become resentful about the disparity in expectations. She may even struggle with her own previous conformity to these expectations. Eldest daughters may continue to try to meet those expectations, all the while be unhappy about “having” to do it. 

8. Difficulty with emotion. Oldest daughters may have learned to “be a good girl” and not be a nuisance or troublemaker. When we're young this may include not expressing anger, sadness, or frustration as these are often uncomfortable emotions for others to witness or soothe. Instead, you learn to ignore or suppress it. I can't write this without thinking about Elsa from Frozen. It's a classic example of an oldest daughter taking on a role that is much too expansive and, in order to accomplish what she sees as her mandate, she has to suppress her own emotions.

9. Struggles with self-esteem. When self-worth is tied to your achievements, oldest daughters can struggle to feel worthy enough. It's a battle between feeling invisible and the resentment about only getting attention for the things you can do for others. It’s hard to find your own unconditional worth when it always seems to come with conditions from others.

10. Overwhelming need for control. Individuals who fall into the pattern of perfectionism and over functioning can often feel a strong need for control. Feeling in control of situations helps them avoid their own experience of being overwhelmed and plays into the narrative that they “have it all together”. Not being in control might feel like a signal that she is failing at her most important job – taking care of the family.

11. Comparison. Eldest daughters are at risk for comparing themselves to others. It often starts with comparing themselves to their siblings and may extend to comparing themselves to other women, often wondering, “Am I good enough?”

What's your recommendation for healing from eldest daughter syndrome, and why do you recommend it?

I think the most important thing for women healing from “Eldest Daughter Syndrome” is to keep in mind is that some of these patterns have been functional for a long time. The trick is to harness that energy. We have to know when to use these traits because they are an asset and when to let go and step away from old patterns because they've become toxic to us and others. It's kind of like salt; salt adds flavor and character to food but if you use too much, it can quickly overwhelm a dish. Always be thoughtful and intentional about how much seasoning you add.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Is it okay to take a nap? Will it ruin my sleep? What are some napping no-nos?

These are questions that Dr. Daniel Kessler is often asked. Here are some of his thoughts on the topic.

People often want to take a nap, especially on days when they're more tired or weekends. Clients will often lament a difficulty with falling asleep for a desired nap, or request help napping. When someone tells me they “can’t nap,” I often respond, “that’s wonderful!” Invariably I get a puzzled look, which gives me space to do some teaching around naps.

I tell my clients that there are times when naps are needed, like when it is unsafe to drive or operate heavy machinery because of fatigue, or when sick or severely sleep deprived. Other than those situations (or other situations involving safety) naps can actually be harmful to nighttime sleep. 

(A quick caveat: If you sleep great and also nap great, then your sleep is working for you, so don’t stop! On the other hand, if you sleep great but are so fatigued that you are not functioning during the day, this could be a sign of some other medical or psychological issue, so seek help.)

If you don’t sleep great, a nap of more than 20 minutes can actually harm nighttime sleep. Sure they feel really wonderful, but one of the ways in which our bodies modulate sleep is through periods of not sleeping. Essentially throughout the day we build Sleep Need. Much as we build hunger through extended periods of not eating, we build Sleep Need through extended periods of not sleeping. Imagine that giant bucket of water at a waterpark. Once emptied, it takes a while to refill. Try to dump it before it is full and you can’t. It needs some amount of time to fill enough to flip over and pour out. Same for sleep (and hunger). If we were to partially empty that bucket, it would take a longer time to fill enough to flip on it’s own. Similarly, If we have a heavy snack in the late afternoon, we are unlikely to be hungry enough to have a good and enjoyable meal, and if we take a long nap in the afternoon, we are not likely to be tired enough to have a really good sleep. 

One common myth is that being tired means that you need a nap. For whatever reason, and many have speculated that this has to do with the possibility that our bodies were “intended” to siesta sleep, most people experience a period of sleepiness in the early afternoon. Yes, a nap will make this go away, but for most people NOT napping will also lead to the early afternoon tiredness going away, because that early afternoon tiredness is often simply a “normal” expression of our 24-hour circadian rhythm.

Keeping all of the above in mind, should you nap? Maybe, but probably not. If you are sick or it is dangerous to keep going at work or home without a nap, then you almost certainly need to nap. If you are just sort of fatigued (especially in the early afternoon), you may be better off increasing your activity to help push through this period of tiredness in the early afternoon. Again, if not safe to do this, PLEASE NAP. Otherwise, either skip the nap in favor of increased engagement/activity, or take a BRIEF, no more than 20-minute nap.

If you are sleeping well and still exhausted to where extended naps are needed, seek out your primary care doctor for assessment.

If you are snoring excessively loudly and/or stopping breathing while you sleep, see your doctor as you may have sleep apnea, especially if you are sleeping a good amount of time, but still very tired. 

If you are in need of help with difficulty falling asleep, difficulty staying asleep, or waking up too early, you will likely benefit from seeing a Sleep Psychologist. You can find a sleep psychologist at behavioralsleep.org, the website for the Society of Behavioral Sleep Medicine.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states (and New York).

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

What are some morning habits that are actually worthwhile?

This is a question that Dr. Daniel Kessler is often asked. Here are some of his thoughts on the topic.

Engage in some mindfulness practice, it really doesn't matter much which, but take just a couple minutes each day to notice. It can be drinking your first cup of coffee, noting the smells, the sounds of brewing or pouring, the scent of fresh coffee. Yes, notice the taste, but also the temperature, how the coffee "feels" in your mouth and as you swallow it. What are the flavors and strengths of this particular cup.

I've done the same (in the past, as I now no longer shave my face) with shaving. Take a moment to smell the shave cream, to feel the sensation of it on your skin. Take a moment to note the sound the razor makes as it removes the hair. Take a moment to note the feeling before and after each stroke of the razor. Note the temperature in the room, the smell of the shave cream, the sensation on your face.

When doing either of these, or any other mindfulness, take the time to be in a quiet place, without electronics or distractions. Immerse yourself in your senses. Connect not with what you are thinking about or your plans for the day, but with your immediate senses. 

In short, it's about slowing down, being present, and taking time for yourself.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Why is it so hard to get over a breakup? How long does it take? How do I accept that a relationship is over? Are there any upsides to a breakup? What are healthy ways to get over a breakup?

All good questions that Dr. Gayle MacBride is often asked. Here are some of her thoughts on the topic.

Why is it so hard to get over a breakup?

Breakups are inherently about loss. Loss is the feeling we have when we think about something that used to be there. They are a special exquisite kind of pain because it’s grief plus heartbreak (and sometimes we sprinkle some nostalgia in for good measure). Being in a relationship is about connection and breakups bring up feelings of disconnection. This slurry of emotions makes getting through those times especially hard. Most often my clients who are struggling with this seem to have the hardest time with the idea that this person is out of my life, but not really gone. The other person is still out there, somehow this seems like it is harder than the death of someone. Maybe a death feels more final and absolute? I’m not sure because I know the death of a partner is definitely world-rocking.

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

I don’t mean to give a snarky response here, but “as long as it takes” is the only honest answer. There can’t be a timeline set for these kinds of things and each loss will take the time it needs. That said, there are some general guidelines for starting to seek professional help. Generally, in mental health we would suggest that you talk with someone if you are not making progress after 3 months or if the grieving process has halted and you don’t feel as though you are making the necessary progress. In my practice I am looking at the indicators that someone is stuck, how that is impacting their lives, and if that impact is causing that person distress. That said, if someone is handling a breakup and can point to slow, but ongoing self-growth and progress, I would likely leave them to take that healing time at their own pace.

How to accept that a relationship is over?

Coming to terms that a relationship is over can be a challenge for both parties, both the person who is declaring the breakup as well as the person who may still be leaning into the relationship. I think it’s most helpful if both parties are honest with themselves about how they feel about what’s happened. That might include painful letting go, feelings of some relief, as well as they expected sadness and anger. It might also help to write the feelings down or talk with a support person.

Again, no matter which side of this you are on, it’s a good idea to take a long hard look at yourself and what you might have contributed to the breakup. Dynamics between two people take two people. You likely had some contribution, even if was to fail to set limits or boundaries earlier in the relationship or to ignore red flags. Use this time as an opportunity to grow and not make the same mistakes in a future relationship.

We have a neurological/biological response to reminders of a former partner. Looking at their Insta or driving by your favorite cozy spot can bring back a flood of emotions and memories. We used to be able to cut out our ex’s face in photos, now we block them or even try to delete online pictures. This seems adaptive, because we somehow realize that being exposed to this again is painful. It’s not just an emotional kind of hurt, there are real physical changes that cause physical pain, and we call that heart break. When this happens there is a release of adrenaline and cortisol that temporarily affect the heart muscle – that tightening in your chest is real (time for some serious self-compassion!)

What are some healthy ways to get over a breakup?

Process how you feel. There’s not a right way to do this but bottling it up or numbing out through risky behavior or substance use is definitely going to stunt your progress. You can talk yourself though your emotions, journal them, or talk with a trusted support person (a friend or a therapist). Make sure you are honest with yourself. Even failures offer opportunities to grow and learn about yourself. It might be painful now, but the results can be transformative.

Allow yourself to go no-contact, if you are able. It seems intuitive to stop seeing your ex, but you might want to also limit or go no-contact with anyone from your ex’s friend group. This is not always possible but take steps to take control of how often you have to face the reminders of that person and the relationship. Consider taking a break on social media as you work through your hurt.

Focus on yourself. Make self-care and self-soothing a priority. Consider things that bring joy or start a new hobby. Exercise is a great way to cope because it brings you pleasant neurochemicals and this can be an effective way to battle the cortisol (stress hormone). If you are feeling sad and alone, honor that. Human emotions are adaptive, they serve a purpose. When people feel sad and cry, others ask “what’s wrong”, this is the elegant interweaving of our biology and social structure. Feeling sad and tears often signal to other humans that we need comfort and connection. Filling this void makes us feel better, denying ourselves these things or telling ourselves that we are a burden undermines our ability to regain what we lost – connection.

What are the upsides to a breakup?

This is a great question, because we often forget that something painful can also be a good thing. I think first and foremost, a breakup, however painful, leaves us with opportunities to know ourselves and our own needs better. It might also give us the chance to connect with hobbies and friends that were neglected if we didn’t have the time because we were in a relationship, or your ex just plain didn’t like them. Coming out the other side of a breakup can also show ourselves just how strong we can be. It’s a chance to get to know our own resilience and oddly enough it can build compassion and connection with others. When someone else is struggling you now have a way to connect with their experience and maybe be a great support for them.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

People Who Were 'Overly Neglected' in Childhood Often Display These 10 Traits as Adults

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

What does over-neglect look like?

It is important to define a term before we use it or talk about it. We are likely all familiar with the term “neglect”. This is a general term that indicates a level of failure to provide something essential. “Over-neglect” is a term that begins to address duration and severity. I can neglect a plant and it might wilt without enough water, but over-neglect indicates that the plant hasn’t been watered in quite some time. It’s likely more than wilted and it is probably even beginning to wither. The consequences of over-neglect become increasingly more severe and long-lasting when basic needs are unmet for a prolonged period of time. This applies to plants as well as people. 

When we are talking about over-neglect in children we are looking at basic needs not being met on a consistent and prolonged basis. This might be physical neglect, which would mean a lack of adequate food, clothing, shelter, or medical care. It might even mean inadequate supervision, which can lead to child endangerment. Emotionally neglecting a child means caregivers have not consistently given nurturing attention. We need emotional support in our early development as a part of developing basic emotional skills and a healthy sense of self-worth. 

Why can it be so harmful?

Experiencing over-neglect is so harmful because the consequences of it are so profound and far reaching. For example, not being given adequate physical resources may result in malnutrition and stunted growth, or even cause developmental delays. Similarly, the result of being undernourished or inadequately nourished increases the risk of illness and injury. Inadequate medical care leaves children vulnerable to even the most preventable of diseases and injuries. If a child is raised in an overly neglectful environment, they likely experience chronic stress as a result, which we know also weakens immune response. So you can begin to see how being neglected in one aspect tends to have a compounding impact on a child's health and wellbeing, thus resulting in outcomes that reach farther than the initial level of neglect. 

I should also note it seems unlikely that a child would be neglected in only one domain. Physical neglect is often compounded by emotional neglect. Over-neglect is not the same as having limited access to resources. Experiencing food scarcity due to financial insecurity is not the same as over-neglect, even if the child experiences negative outcomes as a result of food insecurity or scarcity. While this is problematic, and can be chronic, it doesn’t seem to have quite the same negative impact as parental neglect. 

What are at least 6 traits of someone who experienced over-neglect as a child?

People who experienced over-neglect as children may exhibit a range of traits. Here are 6 possible traits:

1. Difficulty Forming and Maintaining Relationships: Over-neglect is likely occurring in multiple domains (physical, emotional, etc), which then leaves the developing child to struggle with even basic stages of development. Erik Erickson, in his 1950 book Childhood and Society, theorized that one of the first stages of development that a person goes through is basic Trust versus Mistrust. over-neglect can compromise someone's ability to form secure attachments because early on they lacked the ability to depend on caregivers. Without learning or developing this very basic relationship building skill, individuals who experience this kind of neglect may avoid close relationships or struggle to engage in healthy relationship patterns. For example, they may misattribute even small slights as withdrawal or rejection from their partner, like not being complimented on their appearance being interpreted as “they think I’m unattractive”.

2. Low Self-Esteem: Another stage of development includes Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt. Significant neglect experiences can leave children wondering if they are the problem. These children often worry about their basic worthiness and in later years you may see these individuals believing as though they do not deserve love, attention, and recognition. When given a compliment they may wholesale reject it. These individuals are at risk for staying in abusive relationships, which serves to reinforce their negative views of self. 

3. Emotional Regulation Difficulties: When children are not provided with healthy examples of emotional regulation, as adults you may see difficulties in experiencing even small fluctuations in mood. These individuals have not learned to self-soothe in healthy ways and instead may struggle to identify their own emotions as well as misunderstand or misattribute the emotions of others. This can result in frequent, and excessive outbursts of anger or the opposite, extreme stoicism (an inability or unwillingness to express emotions). These are often the individuals who become very unsettled when they think their partner is even mildly annoyed with them. Their reaction can be to become flooded with rage or shut down entirely.

4. Anxiety and Depression: Experiencing over-neglect as a child can result in chronic feelings of depression and anxiety. We learn about the world beginning at a very young age and in situations of over-neglect we may learn that we have little in the way of agency or control, or any ability to change our circumstances. This can result in learned helplessness, which is a mindset that leads to thinking, “what I do doesn't matter anyway.” Viewing the world through this lens and holding this as a core belief leads to persistent problems with depressed mood or reinforces beliefs about the uncertainty and unpredictability of the world causing chronic anxiety.

5. Difficulty with Trust: Over-neglect doesn't just have negative impacts on romantic and familial relationships, it can also mean that an individual struggles to build trust across the board. They are constantly vigilant to indications that they are going to be rejected, abandoned, or harmed, and this may be heightened when interacting with authority figures. For example, you may see this with individuals who present for medical treatment, but don't trust the advice they're given or have problems with following directives in employment situations. These are the individuals who may have frequent conflicts with their immediate supervisors.

6. Behavioral Problems: As mentioned before over-neglect has a cascading effect. Constantly feeling less than, anxious that you're going to be rejected or abandoned, and generally experiencing emotional pain can lead to a strong desire to be numb. This can take the form of distracting by engaging in risky behaviors or shutting off from the world through substance use. This pattern of coping often provides some distraction or ability to avoid the emotional pain, even if it's just for a little while.

What are your top 3-5 pieces of advice for healing, and why do you recommend each?

Healing from over-neglect is a complex and often challenging journey, but it's absolutely possible. Here are some key strategies:

1. Seek Professional Support: Finding a connection with a therapist who understands the impact of over-neglect can allow you to slowly build that sense of basic Trust versus Mistrust in an emotionally safe environment. This is often very slow work, but you can begin to understand the impact this has had on your life and how it has formed your worldview. In processing these patterns you can begin to change how you think about yourself and your relationship to the neglect you experienced.

2. Cultivate Self-Compassion: Self-compassion is a pre-requisite for almost any therapy work you do. Whether you talk about radical acceptance or forgiveness, you need to understand that your reactions are the result of your past experiences and you are not to blame for the neglect you endured. The work clients do here is understanding that it's not their fault, and it is now time for them to take responsibility for their path to wellness.

3. Build Healthy Relationships: Understand that you deserve healthy relationships and develop the curiosity to understand what healthy relationships look like. Often healthy relationship work includes being clear about boundaries and how to communicate those limits. It also means understanding and being willing to respond to “red flags”.

4. Reconnect with Your Emotions: Be open and willing to identify and name your emotions. This may mean you begin a practice of writing in a journal on a consistent basis or talking with a trusted person about your feelings. You need to understand that your feelings are real and develop ways to self-soothe in a way that does not hurt you or others.

5. Patience for Growth: The pattern of over-neglect is one that took place over time, so will the healing. Expecting overnight changes is not realistic. Instead consider this a marathon and not a sprint.  

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

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Why Does Time Fly? A Ticking Mystery

It’s January again? How did that happen?  Wasn’t it just January 2024? Have you ever noticed how time seems to speed up as we age? It’s a common experience, but why does it happen?

The Psychology of Time Perception

Our perception of time is influenced by a variety of factors, including:

• Novelty: When we experience new things, time seems to slow down. As we age, our experiences become more routine, making time feel faster.

• Memory: Our brains tend to remember significant events and emotions. The more vivid the memory, the slower time seems to pass. As we age, we accumulate more memories, and each individual memory becomes less significant in the grand scheme of things.

• Information Processing: Our brains process information at a certain rate. As we age, our brains may process information more slowly, making time feel like it’s speeding up.

So, how can we slow down time?

• Embrace the Moment: Practice mindfulness and pay attention to the present moment.

• Seek New Experiences: Continuously challenge yourself with new hobbies, travel, or learning opportunities.

• Prioritize Relationships: Spend quality time with loved ones.

• Live Intentionally: Set goals, make plans, and live with purpose.

Try some of these strategies to help you slow down and even change the perception of time and make the most of every moment!

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

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People Who Weren't Told 'I Love You' in Childhood Often Develop These 13 Traits as Adults

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

It’s 3 words, yet so complicated! Why is “I love you” so important for kids to hear?

The words may be little, but the feelings are big and vitally important. "I love you" is critical for children to hear because it helps them feel connected to caregivers and increases their feeling of security in the world. Children that are told that they are loved tend to have better social skills as kids, grow up to be more resilient adults, and overall be less anxious. One of the reasons that we believe this has such a positive effect is the chemical oxytocin. When this is released in the brain, a person feels love and connection. Oxytocin is often thought of as being connected to romantic love, but it is also associated with trust which is part of how parents bond with their children. Being told I love you also sets the stage for those children to grow up expressing their emotions and being willing and able to allow themselves to be vulnerable. This modeling is an important way to teach children how to show up in emotionally healthy relationships. 

Why can it be hard for some people, including parents and other close adults, to say? 

There can be a lot of reasons why a child isn't routinely told "I love you” by parents, caregivers, and other close adults. It may be that those adults did not grow up in a cohort that said those words, which can mean they’re less likely to think to say them, let alone to feel able to express that emotion. Cohorts can be influenced by decade or era, but they can also be influenced by culture.

There was a period of time in history when child mortality rates were so high, that parents may have felt anxious about expressing their love and creating that connectedness because of the potential for loss and the sorrow and grieving that would follow. In 1900, the infant mortality rate was about 165 infants per 1,000. By 1997, that figure dropped to 7 in 1,000. Though those figures do not take into account child death due to pneumonia, measles, and the like, it’s a dramatic change that allowed a greater expectation that a child will survive and allow parents to connect and bond with them, instead of remaining standoffish. With such high death rates, parents may have felt as though they needed to protect themselves from devastating loss by withholding emotions.

Other reasons can include a cultural belief that stoicism is strength, and emotion is weak. This may lead some parents to not express their thoughts and emotions, out of fear that doing so might leave them feeling vulnerable. 

As a parent myself, there are times when I can feel an overwhelming love for my children and that can be almost disorienting. There is this phenomenon, when you're a parent, that immediately following a moment of vulnerability like this, you're also acutely aware that you shouldn't take for granted these little ones in your life. That feeling can be quite scary. If you're someone who's prone to anxiety, or poor mental health, you might back away from that moment and withhold sharing your feelings. Instead, I recommend leaning in and shifting your attention to the gratitude for that child and the moment. Embracing that moment and sharing the love you feel. Tell them. 

What are at least 6 traits people who weren’t told I love you as kids usually develop?

1. Low self-esteem: when we are not told that we are loved, we may grow up to question our worth. Children often understand that others around them are being told that they are loved, and can be left wondering: “why am I not loved? What’s wrong with me? I must be the problem."

2. Difficulty with future relationships: those who are not told that they are loved may find it difficult to trust or believe others when they express their love for them. They may even see expressing love as a sign of weakness or disingenuousness. 

3. Perfectionism: we will do almost anything to earn the love of our parents or caregivers, and kids who are not routinely told that they are loved may believe it's because they aren't “good enough” and will find ways to earn that love and validation. If it's always withheld, they may continue seeking it, and “the quest for the Holy Grail” won’t end.

4. People pleasing: people who believe that they have been loved in contingent ways, or have not achieved that feeling of connectedness, may prioritize the needs of others over their own in the mistaken belief that this will create love and connection, or at least approval.

5. Abandonment: not being told you are loved creates a fear of being rejected or left behind. These individuals often develop an anxious attachment style and can appear very clingy in relationships, for fear of abandonment.

6. Troubles with emotional regulation: individuals who were not told I love you may struggle with managing their own emotions. Learning self-regulation skills in a loving and secure environment, allows children to learn how to modulate intense feelings before heading out into the world. If you didn't have a safe practice ground for this when you were young, it may be very difficult to accomplish this as an adult.

What are 3 tips for healing from this type of a childhood as an adult? 

This can be a complex process that takes quite a bit of time, and may require professional help. These individuals often need help learning how to treat themselves with kindness and love. While I’m not sure she coined the phrase, Sonya Renee Taylor popularized the term “radical self-love” in her book The Body is Not an Apology (2018). It's this idea that you love yourself unconditionally. This is the kind of love we are often seeking from parents and caregivers, and learning how to do it for yourself creates an important foundation and is essential to healing from a childhood without love, or with love withheld/unexpressed.

Individuals working through this often need to challenge their own negative thoughts by replacing critical ones with compassionate and accurate ones. These individuals are also often tasked with examining the relationships they have around them in the present to determine if they are following old patterns or if they have broken out of old habits and now are surrounded with others who also love them unconditionally. 

Healthy relationships in adulthood that include respectful boundary setting and a balance of prioritizing self over others can go a long way to healing. I can help you understand that while "I love you" might not have been words you heard as a child, it was not because you didn't deserve to hear them. Sometimes the best our parents can do, just is nowhere close to the “best there is” and is a country-mile from “what you deserved”. Every child deserves to hear the words “I love you,” and unfortunately the path to healing in adulthood can often be a long and challenging one. The first steps are accepting that you deserve the love, whether or not you were told that you did as a child.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

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"What is weaponized incompetence, and what are the implications within a relationship?"

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here are some of the questions she was asked, and her response to each:

1. What is weaponized incompetence, and what are some examples of it?

• Weaponized incompetence is a tactic where someone pretends to be unable to do a task in order to avoid responsibilities or get others to take on that workload. Examples can be:

• Household tasks: consistently loading the dishwasher in such a way that dishes don't get clean. The other partner simply gives up and removes that task from the other person.

• Compliments: It might also show up in much more covert ways like compliments. One partner might say that the other is much better at managing the complicated schedule and therefore should be the one responsible for signing up for summer camps, initiate play dates, etcetera.

• Decision making: You sometimes see one partner avoiding making major decisions because they don't understand the complexities of the situation or that particular topic. So, for example, the partner might refused to help make family vacation plans because they just know they will missed something important.

2. What are the signs a person is using weaponized incompetence?

Often weaponized incompetence is recognizable after the person has been given the tools and the training to do the task but continues to provide excuses or even compliments to avoid. They may say something like “I'm just not good at doing that”, “you're just better at this than I am”, “I know you've taught me how to do this, but you do it so much faster", and “I know you just really enjoy doing X, so I don't want to take that away from you.” In the moment these may seem fair and logical, but after you might be asking yourself “what just happened? ” Or “How am I responsible for this yet again?” Sometimes it's just the feeling you get after the interaction that tells you but the interaction was an unhealthy one.

3. What are the consequences of weaponized incompetence on the parenting relationship?

This kind of interaction quickly erodes trust and breeds resentment because it allows one person to under-function while the other is over- functioning. This is not the same as creating an interdependent relationship. In healthy relationships we create interdependence and may say some of the same things above, but you find that both partners are taking on a variety of tasks in an equitable way and for the most part will say they don’t mind doing X because their partner does Y. Weaponized incompetence creates inequity in the actual physical as well as mental workload.

4. Why do people use weaponized incompetence and how do you tell the difference between weaponized incompetence and ineptitude?

Not only does this pattern allow one individual to avoid responsibility, but they also get to avoid the discomfort of learning something or trying something new, they may also be adding to the workload of the default partner because not only does that person have to take care of the thing, they also have to provide attention, sympathy, or support to the “incompetent partner”. Finally, at times this is a way for one partner to maintain control over their partner. We may see more extreme versions of this and abusive relationships, where one partner creates an imbalance to manipulate the other.

5. What is the impact of impact of weaponized incompetence on the default parents’ mental health?

Weaponized incompetence tends to negatively impact the default partner’s sense of self-esteem, increases stress and anxiety, increases levels of burnout, struggles with resentment, loss of trust between partners and possibly other valued relationship partners, which all lead to increases in anxiety and depression. If left unchecked long enough this individual may experience a decrease and social connections and support, further isolating this person from healthy relationships. We also know this level of stress also contributes to increases in negative health outcomes, including illness and slower recovery times. This pattern may even leave the default partner to wonder what it is that they've done wrong and create significant reluctance to engage in future partnering relationships. We may even see these patterns begin to develop in the default partners work relationships come with this contributing to increase dissatisfaction and that area of their psychosocial well-being and underperforming professionally.

6. How to address weaponized incompetence in your relationship?

I think the most important thing you can do is first think critically and analyze whether this is weaponized incompetence versus a genuine lack of understanding on how to do something. Don't default to accusing your partner of weaponizing incompetence, first have a conversation about their lack of knowledge and experience, be genuinely curious. You can offer to help them or find resources to learn the particular task. Just because your partner doesn't know how to cook a meal so the timing works out such that everything is on the table at the same time, hot and ready to eat, doesn't mean they don't want to learn that skill. This can be a complex skill and take time to learn, so have patience.

You also need to assess how you have divided chores and responsibilities between you. This is especially difficult because often gender roles come into play. In this scenario women often bear a larger portion of household responsibilities in addition to child rearing, although this is shifting. It may be true that one partner or another is particularly skilled at a task that is complex. Look for signs that the incompetent partner is unwilling to even try to learn that skill set versus engaging in the interdependence that can feel quite supportive when one partner is willing to take on a set of tasks so the other doesn't have to. A signal for this may be the amount of resentment you feel as you engage in tasks as well as the support you feel regarding those tasks you don't have to take on.

If you're starting to notice a pattern overtime that includes imbalance and resentment or even conflict over the assigned roles and duties, you may be already in a toxic pattern of weaponized incompetence. Often at this point communication has broken down and there may be a great deal of arguing in feelings of emotional disconnection.

Always be open and honest with your partner. Focus on how you feel and what you need, rather than foisting it on the other person. Be an active listener and make sure that you understand your partner's perspective, even if you don't agree with it. Next, be very clear in your communication about what is OK and what is not OK. This boundary setting is meant to create some equitableness in the relationship, but don't mistake this for equal. A quid pro quo or tit for tat never works well in relationships. Check in with each other on the progress being made and be willing to revise if your original plan isn't working well. If the pattern continues, consider bringing in a therapist who can help you work on these issues. If you're fed up and ready to leave, but your partner is not, consider Discernment Counseling. This can be especially helpful when there are children in the mix. This helps make sure that the path you choose and the “hard” that is in front of you Is the best path for you.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

"What is one common mindset among women that should be changed? How can women shift their perspective on this topic?"

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

One of the most common struggles I see in women is their reluctance to prioritize their own needs. Socially we women are taught to be “helpful” and “be a good girl” (which is code for “don’t make waves and don’t let anybody think you are difficult”). Difficult is subjective. Difficult might mean that we are advocating for something different than someone else in the room. For girls and women that skill is often shut down at very early ages as we learn to “get along” and “be friends with everyone”. It’s a clear line from there to what women internalize as how to be a good romantic partner and certainly is the messaging around what it means to be a “good mother”. 

Rarely are women asked, “what do you need right now?” After decades of this kind of training, when women are asked about what they need, their response is often focused on how they can help, and care take someone else. My advice, stop answering reflexively and be still for a moment before answering. That still moment can allow you to really notice what you may need. Once you know what you need, then comes the tricky part, asking for it. It’s hard to do something different than what you’ve done your whole life. 

So, first, acknowledge that it will feel strange, uncomfortable even. Remember, just because it feels strange, it doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong. Think of this as practice. You won’t always get it right the first time, so don’t give up trying. Also, this is not an all-or-nothing proposition. If you ask for what you need doesn’t mean that someone else’s needs can’t also get met. 

Stop thinking about this in ways of “winning and losing” that generates conflict. Clear and compassionate conversation about what your needs are (including the use of “I statements”) goes a long way. 

Finally, remember this a balance of your needs and the needs of others, so be thoughtful. I prefer to think about my needs and the needs of others in a way that I am kind and considerate of both parties – how can I love me and you at the same time.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

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Spread the Holiday Cheer: Help a Lonely Friend

The holiday season, while often filled with joy and togetherness, can also be a time of loneliness and isolation. As the Surgeon General declared in 2023, loneliness is a serious public health issue, impacting both mental and physical well-being. People may not tell you that they are lonely, but if you notice that someone seems withdrawn, irritable, or uninterested in social activities, they may be experiencing loneliness. You can make a difference!

How to Help a Lonely Friend

If you know someone who might be feeling lonely this holiday season, here are a few ways you can help:

●       Reach Out: A simple phone call, text, or email can make a big difference. Let them know you're thinking of them and offer to spend time together.

●       Invite Them Out: Plan a small gathering or activity that includes your lonely friend. A shared experience can help foster connection and reduce feelings of isolation.

●       Be Patient and Understanding: Listen actively to your friend's feelings and concerns. Avoid judgment and offer empathy and support.

●       Encourage Social Activities: brainstorm with them about joining a club, volunteering, or taking a class to help them meet new people and form social connections.

●       Offer Practical Help: Offer to help with errands, chores, or other tasks. Small acts of kindness can go a long way in making someone feel cared for.

By taking these simple steps, you can help to brighten someone's holiday season and make a positive impact on their overall well-being. Remember, a little kindness can go a long way.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

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Psychologists Are Begging People To Pay Attention to These 11 Early Signs of Loneliness

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

In May 2023 the Surgeon General's Office declared loneliness an epidemic. Humans are very social beings; loneliness leads to poorer health outcomes. I come back to this singular fact again and again when I talk with my clients. We are taught to "be tough" and laud the person who "made it on their own" or pulled themselves up by their bootstraps. But these people could be in real danger. The danger is being isolated and lacking in true belonging, then we see more negative outcomes across the various aspects of our health.

• Mental Health: Loneliness can contribute to feelings of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. It can also lead to increased feelings of distress and a lower assessment of our ability to handle the hard stuff. Robyne Hanley-Defoe, author of Stress Wisely, makes the argument that it's not the presence of stress in our lives, it's our perception of our ability to handle that stress. We handle stress better (aka experience resilience) when we have "people", a group, others, a community in our lives.

• Physical Health: There have been a number of studies that have linked loneliness to a variety of physical health problems, including heart disease, stroke, and a weakened immune system. Again, this relates to our perceptions of support, there is a correlation between our physical wellbeing and our ability to prevent, fight off, and recover from disease.

What are early signs of loneliness?

1.        Decreasing social interactions: If someone starts spending less time with friends and family it is showing us they are pulling away from others, which then can create a vicious cycle of that person feeling excluded or isolated and, as a result of this, they reach out to their support system less and less. A problem that may not even start as loneliness, but rather anxiety, shame, or guilt, may end up as isolation.

2.        Avoiding or lack of availability of social activities: Avoiding, or not having available events or gatherings that you used to enjoy can result in social isolation. In these cases, people have often found themselves unable to attend events and activities due to a change in circumstances (like graduation from high school or college) or feeling like an outsider who doesn’t belong based on other experiences (loss of a job, returning home after active duty in the military, or even death of a spouse). Whether someone is avoiding going to or no longer has access to a group or club it is an early warning sign that they could be in trouble.

3.        Feeling withdrawn or isolated: Again, feeling distant or disconnected from others is a precursor to increasing the risk of loneliness. This withdrawal or experience of being an “other” or outside a group can lead to feeling unwelcome and pushed into a disengagement from one’s community all together. This can be tied to the fundamental social psychology principle of “in groups” and “out groups”. It boils down to, “if I think you are like me, then we are in a group” and if you aren’t like me, then it increases the chances that I see you as an “other”. It might be as simple as aligning with a political party that is not the norm in your geographic area, sharing a religion, language, or favorite activity. When we see another person in a group with us we tend to trust them more and are more likely to reach out to them to make them feel connected.

4.        Loss of interest in hobbies or activities: Several mental health conditions themselves use this as a criterion for diagnosis. When people are struggling with mental health conditions like depression and PTSD, this may be a diagnostic symptom, but it may also be a “cause”. So, is it a result or a reason? Is a loss of interest in hobbies the result of loneliness, or a reason for it?

5.        Increased irritability: When I talk with people about how they are supported, sometimes they tell me that they can only rely on themselves or even one other person. Either way, that’s a pretty small support system. In these instances, you can see people becoming more easily annoyed or irritable. Often this is directly related to their disappointment that they perceive that others are not there for them. Lots of times they tell me it’s because they don’t have anyone they can trust. Loneliness and isolation feeds this because it’s hard to want to get close to someone who snaps at you, and again can create a self-fulfilling cycle.

6.        Physical symptoms: Isolation and loneliness is an increased stress response. In our bodies a stress response can show up as inflammation. This inflammation can result in physical problems, such as feeling fatigued, headaches, and even digestive problems. Of course, these can again create another opportunity for the vicious cycle to take hold. These physical symptoms can result in someone deciding to stay home instead of seeing friends or going to an event, thus further intensifying loneliness. In Dan Buttner’s work on the Blue Zone’s project we see that longevity of people is, in part, tied to strong social connections.

What are your top three tips for working through loneliness.

1.        Cognitive Therapy: Humans are deeply social, I said earlier, and it’s vitally important at a very basic level to have a group or that feeling of belonging. Our brains are wired for connection and are going to try to protect us from experiencing disconnection (socially). Each of us has a built-in warning system that alerts us to when our sense of belonging might be in jeopardy. For many of us it’s a little voice in our heads and it might provide correction in the form of concern. This voice can help make sure we are successful in social experiences and cause us to “overcorrect”, when these messages get mixed up or overinterpreted. It is important to remember just because you think it (or worry about it), doesn’t make it true. When your brain is telling you “They don’t want me anyway, so I won’t go”, consider Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques to help you challenge that little voice.

2.        Acting “as if”: Sometimes the most powerful evidence that we are wanted or important to our group is to give it a try. In psychology we talk about “acting as if”. This exercise encourages us to attend an event or engage in an activity “as if” we weren’t worried, or “as if” we belonged. When this goes well, we give ourselves the opportunity to experience something that lets us override the impulse to withdraw. It should be noted here that we are not recommending that someone be anything other than their true selves during this exercise, this can create more disconnection and isolation (pretending that you are someone you aren’t isn’t belonging, it’s fitting in, which is a fundamentally different experience and can leave a person more disconnected – “they only like because they think I’m a different than I really am”.)

3.        Set boundaries: I think I always come back to boundaries. It’s one thing, tool, or strategy that helps us stay true to who we are, but also with clear boundaries we have an awareness of when to step away. When we are intentional and thoughtful about boundaries, it:

• Keeps them top of mind and keeps us engaged in the pursuit of a balanced healthy approach to relationships.

• Allows us move toward healthy relationships and away from unhealthy ones without getting stuck in the trap of all-or-nothing thinking.

• Allows us to engage in vulnerability and courage with others, giving them an opportunity to know exactly what is okay and what isn’t ok. When others are clear on this and the relationship is healthy, I think the odds of disconnection decrease. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

"How do I sleep with election anxiety?"

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

Sleeping during election season can be a special challenge, the night of, even more so. I have a number of clients currently struggling with this very issue. I have been treating insomnia for over 10 years now and my advice is the same. It’s important to remember that you have done everything you can up to this point. Staying awake and worrying will never make the outcome of an election go your way, it’s out of your hands.

Rather than tell people “don’t worry about it”, we start to problem solve what we will think about (telling people not to do things doesn’t work well). Have a plan to go to bed tonight with something that you will think about. It should be a little mundane and non-activating (like the ABC list of fruits or Movies, or even a narrated bedtime story of mindfulness activity). I’m very firm that your bed space should be relaxing and inviting, not a space that you sit in anxiety and fear. Those worries belong outside the bedroom.

Sometimes “Worry Time” is a helpful intervention. This is when a person picks a time before bed to worry about the things they are going to think about anyway. They sit down for a defined amount of time and they worry about those things. When the time is up, they walk away from the activity until the next day. Yes, this really works! I just remind people to not do this just before bed. Give yourself some time to recover from the anxiety this can produce.

Before bed be intentional about what you watch. Turn off the 24-hour news cycle and tune into something like “Caribbean Life”. Before bed or at bedtime, don’t pick up your phone for one last check of the results or just to peek at TikTok, those are designed to hook you back in. There’s no “thing” on social media that will be good for your mental health if you let the algorithm do its thing.

Last, if you are just a little too anxious or stressed to go to bed at your usual time, then it’s ok to stay up a bit late. Just make sure you’re up at your usual time on Wednesday. Will you be a little extra tired that next day, sure, but you will also have a bit more pressure or drive to fall asleep and stay asleep on Wednesday night. An election is no reason to kick off a bout of insomnia. Remember, this is normative and doing “nothing” will likely be the best cure in the long run.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

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Gathering and family get-togethers

Gathering season is upon us, a time for connection, celebration, and the creation of lasting memories. Holiday gatherings are more than just social occasions; they are opportunities to strengthen relationships and enrich our lives. They even give us something to look forward to during the longer nights. Next time you plan an event see if you can use these tips to help you plan a gathering that people really remember. The way to create a truly memorable event is to prioritize intentionality and thoughtful planning. By infusing our gatherings with purpose, creating welcoming atmospheres, and encouraging active participation, we can transform them into meaningful experiences that nourish our social nature and enrich our lives.

• Purpose: Defining a clear purpose for the gathering helps to guide the planning process and ensure that everyone is aligned. This is really key, it ranges from who you invite to the activities or conversations you have. For example, if you are planning a Holiday Mom’s night, inviting someone who doesn’t have kids doesn’t align with the purpose.

• Atmosphere: Creating a welcoming and inclusive atmosphere is essential for making guests feel comfortable and engaged. Don’t disappear on your guests leaving them to fend for themselves in conversation. Try to stay present during  your own event. 

• Structure: A well-structured gathering provides a framework for the event, but also allows for spontaneity and flexibility. You will want to have some rough idea about how the night might go, but also leave room for modifications if the moment calls for it. It’s important to hit the “baby bear” middle ground with this one, but too loose and then there are awkward silences as people try to figure out what’s supposed to be happening. 

• Participation: Encouraging active participation from all attendees helps to create a sense of community and belonging. This goes along with making people feel welcome, making sure everyone feels comfortable participating in conversation and activities.

• Meaning: A truly memorable gathering should leave guests with a sense of meaning and connection. This might be the first family gathering after an important loss. The gathering’s meaning might be storytelling, pictures, etc. This family will find new ways to connect and strengthen their intergenerational relationships. 

If you’d like to read more, check out Priya Parker’s The Art of the Gathering.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

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This Hack Will Help You Get The Best Sleep Ever On Your Next Flight

Recently Dr. Daniel Kessler was interviewed by Seraphina Seow from Huffington Post, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

Ways to Build Mental Toughness — Expert Insights

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Jerome Knyszewski from Medium, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

9 Subtle Signs That You Might Be an Ambivert

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

What is an ambivert?

Ever hear someone say, “I’m such an introvert!” or “She’s such an extrovert.” and struggle to figure out which of those things you are? Well, you could be an ambivert. An ambivert is someone who needs both solitude and social time to find their energy. These kinds of people strike a balance between being introverted as well as having characteristics of being an extrovert.

What are five signs you are an ambivert?

1. Many people will say that being social is draining, or that being alone takes a lot of energy. They will often point to the opposite as a place where they re-energize and sometimes that even helps them cope with the thing that drains them. Ambiverts usually need some “baby bear” middle ground to maintain their energy. They often need a dose of alone time as well as social connections to maintain their spark.

2. Ambiverts are often those people that may be quiet in a crowd or even be a bit shy in some situations, but also enjoy being the center of attention or sociable in other situations. While many extroverts have “never met a stranger,” ambiverts may adjust their level of extroversion depending on the situation, time of day, or current energy levels.

3. In social situations, ambiverts are often adept at reading the room and adjust their outward energy level according to the occasion. Maybe they are quiet and a bit more subdued at an orchestra concert and happy to dance and sing at karaoke nights.

4. As an ambivert myself, I really need to make sure that I have my alone time as well as social connections. I enjoy mornings and I enjoy other people (especially the lovely humans that live in my house), but that doesn’t mean that’s how I want to start my day. To me I have always loved a quiet morning all by myself. It gives me the energy to be an outgoing “people person” later in the day.

5. Ambiverts are looking for “balance” between introverted and alone time and social, outgoing experiences. Don’t mistake “balance” for equal. The balance is different for each person. You will see ambiverts taking opportunities to be alone and they will tell you that this gives them energy as so social engagements, but this doesn’t need to be a 1:1 ratio.

What are the benefits of ambiverts?

Being an ambivert is great! It’s kind of the best of both worlds and often ambiverts learn to take advantage of the alone time they have, even if it’s unplanned. Someone who is highly social can be drained by this unexpected time. It makes having to break plans with an ambivert a bit easier because they can adapt to the change and feel as though that time is value added and not a drag. This quality might be a bit of a leg up in terms of being resilient and overall having strong relationships.

Getting energy from both solitude and being social also allows ambiverts to really empathize with introverts and extroverts alike. It’s like being O+ in blood type – it gives you a universality that can increase your ability to empathize with your friends.

Ambiverts can make great leaders because they already possess the ability to throttle the intensity of their personality. They will be able to let their team shine and take a quite backseat, but also know when to step up and be the center focus.

What are the disadvantages/areas ambiverts might struggle with?

Ambiverts can be misunderstood by others. People may see you in one setting and expect the same of you in another. This can lead them to feel confused or even accuse you of “putting on a show.” I think we cope best with this by educating others and talking about those difference people might see. Beyond that, what others think of us may not be our business.

It can be hard to decide between staying in for the night or going out with friends, because both can sound equally attractive to an ambivert. This might lead to feelings of guilt or even conflict between two people. It’s best to evaluate your needs for that day and remember our needs for isolation or alone time may vary from day to day or even through our lifetime. I take a very yoga perspective on this, just as I need listen to my body and what it is capable from day to day (rather than assuming I can bend the same each day), my needs and abilities change and my job is to listen carefully to myself and respond in the best way I can.

It can also be a challenge to be an ambivert because it can seem like you lack an identity or that your responses to some situations may surprise you. You may find some social anxiety or discomfort when you least expect it and you may be caught off guard by this. We might avoid some of this by staying away from rigid labels. You might also cope in the opposite way, by leaning into the label and being really explicit about the balance. Leaning in may help you clarify what you really need next. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

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What Are Examples of Using Cognitive-Behavioral Techniques for Anxiety Disorders?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question by Psychologist Briefs. Here's her response:

Act Back Against Anxiety

Oh, let me count the ways. CBT is so robust when it comes to treating anxiety, which is why I love it. Most people are going to say they 'talk back' to the anxiety, and I wholeheartedly agree this is a great skill. I really enjoy working with clients to 'act back' when it comes to anxiety. Anxiety is typically sustained and reinforced through avoidance. Clients often come to me and tell me all about the things they DON'T do as a result of anxiety. CBT is a great way to set up a series of harder-and-harder experiments that can gently push the anxiety back. Over time and with practice, the anxiety lessens and the client's world gets just a little bit bigger.

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"Parent favoritism; why it exists, what to do about it?"

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked those very questions. Here's her response:

Kids can absolutely have parent favorites. I think this can be developmentally normal, especially with babies and very young children. This is likely based on time spent together and the act of caretaking that very young child. If you are the provider or food and comfort it's likely that the baby may show a preference for you. While this is not a favorite in the traditional sense, it can still hurt the other parent's feelings. As kiddos get a bit older some additional aspects can come into play. Older children tend to favor the parent that spends time, shares activities, is engaged and interested in what they are doing. They may also develop a preference for the parent they think is most like them (this could be why some kids express a preference for a less present parent). In this case they might even be seeing themselves in the less available parent because that person might be a bit more of a "blank canvas" as it were. It's important to remember that this kind of preference isn't meant to hurt their parents, but rather is adaptive in the human survival sense. As a child shows preference for one parent or another it may help solidify the bond and reassure the offspring that they will be cared for by an adult. The factors that might influence this are similarities in personality, emotional availability, providing for needs, and face-to-face time. The more of these things you manage, then the more likely you will be in the role of the preferred parent. 

It's really important to manage jealous feelings when this happens in really obvious ways. This typically comes when you compare your relationship to someone else's or let your feelings of envy turn into jealousy. Making a big deal of this could shame the child or even damage the relationship they are trying to solidify with the parent. It might even create more disturbance in the relationship between the child and the less preferred parent. It's also important to keep in mind that "less" and "more" are relative terms, it doesn't necessarily mean you are unwanted or disliked. Children can have strong attachments to all care taking adults, even if they prefer one over another. Also, children often work in serial, so it might mean they attach to one parent and then work on that bond with another parent, be patient. Your day may be coming. 

Of course there are times when one parent is lacking in boundaries and rules which can seem attractive to a child. They may express preference for the "fun" parent, which we know is not the best for the child. Ideally, children have predictable limits and boundaries. It can be difficult to know you are not prefered because the other parent is less inclined to create structure. In that case, it doesn't help to change your stance on structure, but you may have to accept that is what the child's preference is based on. Do your best to stay involved in the child's life, stay interested in what they are interested in, try to spend time together and definately build in opportunities for fun and play. you don't always have to be worried about rules, you can be a fun parent too. 

The reasons these "favorites" develop are complex. Be gentle with yourself, the other parent(s), and most of all the child. Get professional help for feelings of hurt, jealousy, and insecurity, if you need it. Ignoring a problem is not usually an effective solution.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 42+ states.

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What is a "coffee nap"?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question, and related questions. Here's her response:

1. What is a coffee nap?

A “Coffee Nap” is just that. It is combining a caffeinated beverage with a nap. Order matters here, consume the caffeine and then take a brief nap in the early to mid afternoon (or whatever you consider your mid day). I mention this here, because sometimes you see shift workers taking this type of nap. 

2. How do coffee naps work?

Coffee naps work because you are really leveraging two strategies. The first is caffeine, which is an adenosine inhibitor. Adenosine is one of the chemicals that makes us feel sleepy. Very simply, the more in your system the sleepier you feel. If you can slow down or inhibit the production of this chemical in your body, then you will feel less sleepy. The second strategy here is that it’s gonna take some time for the body to absorb the caffeine and while it’s going to work on absorption, you are taking that little 20-minute nap. This “power nap” is just enough to “take the edge off”. I usually explain that sleep works like the big water bucket at the kiddie splash pad. You know the giant bucket that fills with water, then when it’s full it tips over soaking the kiddos underneath it? Well, caffeine slows the faucet that is filling the bucket and the nap works to empty the bucket just a bit. Using these two strategies together you get a little long period of time before the bucket spills (or you need to sleep).

3. Are they actually effective? If so, what are their benefits?

Yep, it will work. The science is there. That said, the question is this something that you should do daily? No, probably not. We also know that getting good quality sleep is important for physical and mental health. I think this coffee nap is probably a reasonable solution on occasion (kinda like eating bacon - it’s delicious sometimes, but no one should eat it daily). 

4. What are some tips for trying them? 

• Be thoughtful about how much and when you consume caffeine. It can affect us differently. You don’t want to drink coffee (for the purposes of creating alertness) too early or too late in the day. Too early and it’s less effective (there’s just less adenosine in your body) and too late you won’t have enough time to build that back up and help push you into sleep at bedtime. 

• Nap during is also important. You don’t want to plan to sleep more than 20 min and take that nap not later than early afternoon. You don’t want to take out too much from the bucket (mentioned above) and the closer to bedtime you take that nap the more impact it has on sleepiness when you go to bed (kind of like when you snooze on the couch before going to bed and then find it is hard to get back to sleep when you get into bed). Naps impact the drive we have toward sleep. 

• If one is good, two is better is not going to work here. If you use this strategy, don’t plan to repeat it later that same day. Your body definitely needs a prolonged period of rest and restoration.

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How does fiction impact mental well-being?

Dr. MacBride was asked: how does reading fiction and engaging with fictional worlds and characters impact mental well-being? How do these experiences help individuals understand and navigate their own emotions and experiences?

Dearest Gentle Reader,

Reading fiction is a great way to temporarily escape from the “real world.” Studies show that reading fiction develops empathy and provides a better understanding of the motivations of others because they gain a unique “all access pass” to another’s emotional and cognitive world. Reading fiction also expands vocabulary by reading words that you don’t know or encountering them in a new context. These aspects of reading fiction enhance mental well-being and increase emotional and intellectual intelligence.

Consumers of fictional material need to be careful that their expectations of others in the real world aren’t skewed. It can be easy to forget that plot is contrived, and characters don’t behave like real people; which can leave one with a sense of disappointment and dissatisfaction.

Use fiction reading for enjoyment and leisure time; let it help you explore different ways to think about your own challenges. Learn new coping skills. It’s a great way to ride the “emotional rollercoaster” with a seatbelt for your safety (this can give us that little hit of dopamine that feels so good). Just check yourself when you are hoping for unrealistic grand gestures and dialogue that are too perfect to be true.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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12 Common Passive-Aggressive Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

1. What does passive-aggressive mean?

Passive-aggressiveness is a very indirect way of communicating with others. It typically is a person’s way of dealing with conflict or an interaction that they think won’t go well with another person. Sometimes we don’t feel free to express our discontent or disagreement with another person. Sometimes this is because we assume the other person will react badly and at other times we are fearful of hurting someone’s feelings. This style of communication can include just avoiding the topic or activity, intentionally undermining an outcome, muttering or giving the silent treatment, or being an obstacle toward progress toward a goal or outcome. 

2. How do passive-aggressive people talk?

People who are engaging in passive-aggressive behavior will signal this to you in certain communication patterns. Beware of passive-aggression if someone starts with personal digs, especially if they are masked as humor. Big warning bells should go off if that “humor” is directed at you or your reaction to something that is possibly sensitive or important to you. People who use passive-aggression may say one thing, and do another. A person's actions often tell you more about them than their words, so if their behavior undermines your efforts or goals, this is a warning sign. If a person says they will get on it, and then doesn’t follow through, they may be passively trying to tell you that they don’t want to do it in the first place. Passive-aggressive behavior may include pretending not to know or understand something, or it might ignore you/the request completely. You might find yourself asking “did they get that text or are they ghosting me?” Passive-aggressive communication makes it really hard to know the difference because either is distinctly possible. 

3. What are risks of passive-aggressive behavior in relationships?

Responding with passive-aggression in relationships is dangerous precisely because it is so indirect. Communicating this way with a relationship partner means that you are inherently being somewhat dishonest with them. They may feel constantly like they are on uncertain ground. It can lead to resentment and feeling like your feelings don’t matter. I think people are prone to using this kind of communication because they don’t want to hurt the relationship partner, but they fail to understand that this kind of behavior can hurt way worse. 

4. What are at least seven phrases that are examples of passive-aggressive comments used in relationships?

Let me start with I grew up in Michigan and have come to understand that communication there is a blend of midwest and east coast. I am now a transplant to Minnesota, land of Minnesota Nice, but most of us know that is code of “passive-aggressive”. Here people often tell you want they think you want to hear and not what they actually want or think. 

“Yeah, let’s hang out sometime” typically means: “I’m not ready to commit to anything, but I don’t want you to feel personally hurt by my lack of commitment” to “I don’t want to hang out with you”. First, I think it’s important to not over personalize this stuff. A “no” doesn’t heave to mean a rejection of YOU, but rather a rejection of your OFFER. Being indirect about your intentions to hangout hurts because the person is left with the belief that it will happen and may even put in effort toward getting together, which hurts more than an outright “no” which can allow them to move on. 

“Let me just do it.” is something we might say when we are unhappy with someone else’s work product, but don’t really know how to tell them that it’s not to the standard it need to be. We are not doing that person or ourselves a service by not addressing the issue. We are just taking more on our plate (that we might not have the time or bandwidth to do), likely simmering in resentment, and robbing the other person of an opportunity to learn. Instead, try: “that wasn’t quite what I had in mind, next time I’d like you to ____.”

“Whatever you want.” This is the non-confrontational way of saying you have an opinion, but for some reason don’t think you can or should express that opinion. Do yourself and others a favor and next time you have a thought about where to go for dinner, or how to approach a project let others know. Tell them, “Your ideas are really interesting, I had a few of my own that I’d like to share with the group before making a final decision about our approach.” That way you get to be heard. 

My least favorite is “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This is just a shitty non-apology. It is avoidance of uncomfortable feelings and conversations. It’s also code for “your being too sensitive”. Next time, be brave and lean into taking responsibility for what you may have done and be willing to hear someone’s feelings, without feeling like you have to be responsible for “fixing them”. For example, “I’m sorry that my tone sounded dismissive. Are you willing to tell me that again? I want to see if I can understand your perspective more clearly.”

Ghosting is a form of passive aggressive behavior. I think we all know what ghosting looks like (someone just stops responding). Michelle Obama talked about the “slow ghost” and in my day it was “I'm washing my hair.” This passive aggressive behavior leaves you unavailable or less and less and less available. The ghoster believes that the ghostee’s feelings will be spared by not addressing the issue. While there may be instances where this might be your only option, it’s always more authentic if you are clear and kind with someone. 

“I’m not angry/mad” is another common passive-aggressive phrase. We can go to lengths to cover up uncomfortable feelings, including being upset with others. Sometimes we are trying to convince them and sometimes we are trying to convince ourselves too. This might mean we are denying ourselves the opportunity to feel these important feelings. At other times we are avoiding having a courageous conversation with someone. I like to use a special “I statement here”: I feel upset about the time you did X and what I need is Y. It keeps the complaint specific and makes the need clear, while centering the emotion or feeling with the speaker and not foisting on to the listener (creating defensiveness). This is one of the most common reasons clients tell me they avoid being direct with other, because they don’t know how to say it. So here’s the formula. 

Last, is justifying being hurtful by saying something like, “I’m just trying to be honest.” This is typically used after an aggressive statement, then back peddling - so is that aggressive-passive? Not sure, I just know it’s wrapping unkindness in a shroud trying to do someone a favor. It’s never doing someone a favor being hash with them and then framing it as they needed to hear negative feedback in that harsh way. If you really want to do them a favor, then start with kindness and don’t justify being mean. 

5. How can someone respond to passive-aggressive comments?

I think I always start this section by recommending boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Let people know what is ok and what is not ok. You can try telling them something like, “It’s ok for us to disagree about this, but it’s not ok for us to let it fester. Maybe we can talk about our respective positions.” I think we all crave knowing limits and setting boundaries allows us to do that in a respectful way. Being open to hearing someone’s ideas, doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. Most of us feel better when we are heard. 

“I hear you say that you are ok, but your voice sounds frustrated. I’d like to be a better listener and really hear what’s upsetting you.” Don’t just take someone’s “I’m fine” answer at face value. We have all learned to say “fine,” even when we are not fine. Dig deeper. Be curious. Be brave. Don’t assume someone’s upset is even about you. 

“I’ve noticed that I haven’t heard back from you in a while. I’m worried that something may have happened and I missed it.” Reaching out when you haven’t heard back in a while can sometimes open a door and give the other person permission to let you know that they are hurt by something that you might have done. This gives you the chance to take responsibility. 

“I’m not comfortable talking about this in this forum” might be a good way to respond if you are on break and a co-worker is trying to get you to join in on making critical comments about another co-worker that isn’t present, especially if that co-worker has not engaged in a kind and professional conversation with that third party. Just stay out of the conversation and lead by example. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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How Do You Tailor Cognitive Restructuring for Patients With Irrational Beliefs?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question by Psychologist Briefs. Here's her response:

Cognitive restructuring is perfect for working with clients who have negative or inaccurate thoughts because it teaches them how to replace their initial irrational thoughts with more accurate ones. David Burns, MD, says, "You feel the way you think," and I find this to be helpful in teaching people the importance of challenging and changing their thinking. I don't like teaching 'positive thinking' because that kind of framework leads to equally unbalanced and inaccurate thoughts.

Often, this is the part of therapy that people tell me has failed for them in the past. For this kind of therapy to work, we need to act more like scientists—we need to identify the thought, notice the kind of errors it may contain, and develop evidence-based, accurate thoughts. Learning to replace your own thoughts gives you the power to grow or intervene on your own behalf instead of putting your progress in the hands of a therapist. It's important to me that my clients have the tools for their own success at their fingertips.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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This Is the #1 Response a Narcissist Cannot Stand, According to Psychologists

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

Why is it a good idea to understand phrases that bother a narcissist?

I think we have to be very careful here. The term “narcissist” has become very popular as of late. When a term like this is being used in common, everyday conversations, it appears more clinical and formal, but often can be misapplied and misunderstood.  Narcissism can be developmentally appropriate, it can exist on a spectrum, and is a cluster of traits that clinicians use to diagnose a problematic pattern of behavior across situations. In our common usage of this term it seems to me that we are referring to a hurtful pattern of behaviors that reflects selfishness (me-centered behaviors) with purposeful lying to hurt you (you-centered). Narcissism is not your partner disagreeing with you and refusing to see your side of the argument, or your boss telling you what to do. Narcissism as a personality trait is seen in multiple settings and disrupts functioning in those areas. 

Let’s keep in mind that about 1% of the population would truly be considered to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). While you may feel surrounded by narcissists, it is unlikely that your boss, your neighbor, and your girlfriend all have this diagnosis. So what gives? 

Well, some of what we are seeing is the effect of a spectrum. All personality disorders are on a spectrum and we all possess several of these traits in varying degrees.  As a first year psych student I recall being astounded by how many diagnoses I had (said with some tongue and cheek). We don't have all of these diagnoses, but what we are seeing is some normative traits. Also, let’s keep in mind that narcissistic traits are really normal for young children as they develop their sense of self and self-esteem. 

None of this is to discount the very real hurt people experience when they have interacted with someone we might call a Narcissist. I would never want to discount how painful these interactions can be. I think to understand what bothers a narcissist, you have to understand what a narcissist is and what they are not. A narcissist exists at the intersection of low-self esteem and lack of empathy. They tend to tell you how great they are/need you to tell them how great they are. Not because they have self-esteem in spades, but the very opposite, because they need to have their worth confirmed by someone else. Not only that, they lack the ability to recognize how their needs impact others and often don’t recognize that others have needs.  This results in the inability to connect with others in an empathic way. This is different from purposeful lying to hurt others. Narcissists can be thought of as “emotionally blind” or limited. 

Side note: I often have clients reluctant to build their self-esteem “too high” for fear they will become a narcissist. I have to remind them that narcissism comes from a lack of self-esteem and willingness/ability to be vulnerable with others, not the abundance of those things. Holding a good opinion of yourself means you don’t need others to corroborate your beliefs and you can own your mistakes. Being vulnerable with others creates an increased capacity for compassion for self and others. 

Why do narcissists dislike the word no?

“No” is a hard word for people who are high in narcissism because it’s a complete sentence and there’s little left in the way of reassurance that they are going to be ok. “No.” is about the person setting the boundary and not the narcissist. Remember a narcissist is stuck in and struggling with a basic human need of feeling like they are good enough and belong. They feel like they want to be in the middle of everyone’s story.  They are barely keeping their head above those waters and are not going to be able to see your perspective at all - all they see is the waterline. 

In some instances, the word “no” might not be the best word to use (for the person saying its sake). What might those instances and what is a word you might use instead?

“No” leaves little room for argument. If you start to justify, give rationales, or beg them to “see it my way” you are butting up against a skill that someone with NPD or high narcissism cannot do. When dealing with someone high in narcissism and there’s a potential for conflict, stick to your “I statements”, keep the conversational tone friendly to neutral, be firm in your boundaries (if you must give a choice offer A or B, and they both must be acceptable choices to you before you offer them), and most of all, keep it brief. Try: “I’m not feeling heard on this issue. It’s important to me that my perspective be included before we make a decision. Let’s come back to this discussion later today or tomorrow. Which day works best for you?” The more you explain the more opportunity there is for them to fight you. KISS - keep it simple. This is just an example and won’t work for all situations. Sometimes your boundaries have be to very, very firm, unlike this example that allows some flexibility. 

When should a person just go with the word no and let the narcissist deal with it?

If you find yourself dealing with a person who continues to push you even after you have declined politely, then you might just have to respond with a clear “no” and leave it at that. I’m hedging a little here because sometimes people understand this to mean that they have the right or are given permission to give an unkind “no” and it is just too bad for the other person and I don’t think that’s a good idea in most situations. Obviously in abuse or harm, then “no” is no and the abusive partner needs to deal with it, the harmed individual needs to just leave. At that point we stop worrying about the other person’s feelings. 

Most often this comes up when “they have pushed past my boundaries” and it has become a point of contention. I like to think about this situation a little differently and I think it helps us navigate the situation with increased clarity. First, a boundary is something that you set and is absolutely in your control. A request is something you ask of someone else. A boundary is not “I told you not to call me.” That’s a request. A boundary is “if you call me after 10 pm, I’m going to have my phone turned off and I will respond at my earliest convenience the next day.” See, I have control over the later, but not the former. I am going to request that you don’t call after 10 pm (request) and if this is not respected, then I will respond with a boundary. So where do you set the boundary? I think Prentis Hempill said it best, “A boundary is the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” If you are in a relationship with a person who is high in narcissism, then you will likely have to create wider and more firm boundaries than with others who embrace vulnerability. 

What are some tips for dealing with a narcissist’s negative response to the word no?

People who are high in narcissism are going to react to the word “no” because they are going to struggle to separate the “no” about the request from the feeling of rejection on a personal level. Keeping this in mind helps us remember why the person is having a big emotional reaction to the “no” response. 

They will likely try to re-engage you in the conversation or negotiate with you until they get you to “yes”. Stay firm. Be very uninteresting and “uncreative” in your continued response. If your answer is “no”, then stick with that. Respond only when you have to and repeat variations on the theme. Don’t apologize (other than a social apology). They may try to make you think you have done something wrong by saying “no”. You haven’t. “I'm sorry you have to deal with a frustrating situation right now” (social apology) vs “I’m sorry that I can’t come with you” (taking personal responsibility). First of all, you aren’t sorry (‘cause you made a choice here) and it gives a foothold for the narcissist to argue with you. “Well, if you were really sorry, you’d just come.” See, it gets out of control quickly. Last, be ready with a heaping helping dose of boundaries. What can I control here? And be ready to implement those responses. 

What are 5 other phrases a narcissist can’t stand? 

I hope I have adequately established that narcissism is a direct result of lack of self-esteem and a real struggle to connect empathically (lack of vulnerability). As a result of this they hate to hear you praise someone else (“I thought she did a great job of xyz”). A person high in narcissism will really struggle to hear you say nice things about others and will create a pull for you to recognize their talents. Maybe they will put down or belittle the person you just complimented. Another response may be to pull your attention to something else entirely so you can praise them. 

People high in narcissism may react negatively when you dispute the facts (“I don’t agree” or “It didn’t happen that way”) as they understand them. This is different from gaslighting. Gaslighting is purposely and intentionally changing the fact pattern even though you and they know that it is not true, in order to get the other person to question their own reality and perceptions. This is in services of creating the opportunity to control or harm you. People high in narcissism tend to dispute and manipulate facts because they are trying to feel better about themselves or get you to sing their praises. I think the difference is subtle, but important. In one instance I’m trying to hurt you and in the other I’m trying to save my own hide. The intention is different, but can feel the same to the person being impacted. 

“You are wrong” or “I don’t care” are also phrases that a person with high narcissism is going to struggle with because it’s going to be threatening to that already fragile sense of self esteem. The one thing that can shatter a person that is constantly hustling for self-esteem is feeling disconnected or unwanted/unimportant. Often these people will go to lengths to keep this from happening.

“I’m with someone else right now” can really hurt a person high in narcissism because they are going to worry that the “competition” will be better than them. This social desperation will have them go to lengths to compensate or exert control over the situation and put the spotlight back on them. 

Finally, maybe paradoxically, people high in narcissism will struggle when you ask them about their own vulnerability and uncomfortable feelings. If you ask someone high in these traits about what was hard for them in a situation or where their own opportunities for growth might be, this tends to create even more discomfort and feelings of shame/inadequacy. You will probably see them start to squirm as the question hits pretty close to home. They would prefer that others see them as “strong” and without flaw. Assuming they have flaws is too close to their danger zone. Problem is, we all have flaws and are all works in progress. People high in narcissism may also have a high level of perfectionism, while those of us who embrace vulnerability are “good enoughists”.  

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

How Do You Discuss Medication With Hesitant Patients?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question by Psychologist Briefs. Here's her response:

As a therapist my clients often share with me their hesitations about medication and may be looking for my input. Ultimately, I have to remind them that I am not a prescriber and therefore there are some things that I cannot speak to. After we’ve had a chance to level-set that portion of the conversation I try to really hear their concerns. I think this is the part the prescribers most often miss.

Often a client wants to try talk therapy first. Other times they tell me how sensitive they are to medicines. I also often hear worries about side effects or the belief that they won’t be themselves. “I don’t want to just take a happy pill.” We start by validating all of it. We talk about how therapy is good, and medications can be good too. The problem is that we hear “together they are better” and I’m not sure this is always the case, but I do think that together they cover more ground, as it were.

If a client is considering medications and is still hesitant, we work to help them voice their concerns and preferences to their provider. I “grew up” as a psychologist working on treatment teams and am very comfortable working with psychiatrists and PCPs regarding a client’s care. When I am able, I try to help my clients, but continuing this collaborative care model. This means that sometimes we all agree that waiting to start a medication is a good idea. Other times, it means that after a period of working in therapy and time on a medication, it can be time to taper off the medicines. I always urge people to have a conversation with their medication prescriber about the medicines, side effects, and potential withdrawal effects and just because you are offered a medicine doesn’t mean you have to take it, nor does it mean that you shouldn't. Each situation is unique and different. Ultimately, I cannot tell clients what to do when it comes to medication, but I can help them learn how to use their voice, ask questions, and increase their comfort with the decision they make for themselves.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Spring is not a strategy!

Dr. MacBride says: "I frequently tell my clients, Spring is not a strategy!"

We have had a wonderful summer and it’s been great to see so many of you out enjoying our beautiful park and walking paths. It can be easy to take that walk outside and chat with a neighbor during these beautiful days. But what happens when the seasons change and the sun begins to set earlier? Do our habits and priorities shift along with them? Thus, “spring is not a strategy.” 

The truth is, spring isn't a strategy. While it's a wonderful time to embrace nature and recharge, relying solely on seasonal changes to boost our well-being can be a risky gamble. It's essential to prioritize sunlight, activity, and socialization throughout the year, regardless of the weather.

Sunlight: Our bodies are designed to absorb sunlight, which helps regulate our circadian rhythm and mood. Exposure to sunlight can boost our mood, improve sleep quality, and strengthen our immune system. Even during the winter months, make an effort to spend time outdoors, even if it's just for a short walk. This is especially important if you live in a region with limited daylight. If you know you struggle with seasonal mood changes you can consider talking with your medical provider about the uses of a full spectrum light.

Activity: Regular physical activity is crucial for both physical and mental health. It helps reduce stress, improve mood, and boost energy levels. Find activities you enjoy and make time for them throughout the year. Whether it's going for a walk, joining a gym class, or simply dancing around your living room, the key is to stay active.

Socialization: Human connection is essential for our well-being. Spending time with loved ones, friends, or community members can help reduce feelings of loneliness and isolation. Make an effort to maintain strong social connections, even during the colder months. Join a club, volunteer, or attend social events to meet new people and build relationships.

Prioritize sunlight, activity, and socialization year-round and create a healthier and more balanced lifestyle. Don't stop healthy habits when the weather turns colder.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

What is mental toughness and why is it important? In fact, tell me all about mental toughness!

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question, and related questions. Here's her response:

Mental toughness is like training for a marathon, but for your brain. These are skills that are taught and learned vs something someone is “just born with”. For example, think of an athlete who keeps pushing through the last, grueling mile of a race. This perseverance and ability to overcome fatigue and doubt is mental toughness. Without it, challenges like tough exams, difficult projects at work, or personal setbacks can easily overwhelm you. 

How can a positive mindset and attitude contribute to building mental toughness?

Consider Michael Jordan, who was cut from his high school basketball team. Instead of giving up, he adopted a positive mindset, trained harder, and became one of the greatest basketball players of all time. By focusing on what’s possible rather than what's difficult, you turn obstacles into opportunities which become stepping stones instead of stop signs. Adopting a positive mindset starts with adopting a habit of finding gratitude throughout the day.This doesn’t mean you discount the problems, it just means that you don’t allow yourself to get caught up in them and you choose a perspective shift toward the good. It also requires that you are open to possibilities, resources, and support in our lives. Third, you have to find your opportunities for growth and learning. Not every venture is going to result in the success that you hope for, so use those times to be even more prepared for the next time. Finally, you need a bit of a creative imagination that allows you to see yourself finishing the race or being successful. If you don’t believe in yourself, why are you asking/expecting others to?

What strategies are effective for facing and overcoming challenges and setbacks?

When Thomas Edison was developing the lightbulb, he failed thousands of times. Instead of seeing these as failures, he famously said, “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” His strategy of perseverance and viewing setbacks as learning opportunities kept him moving forward. You can’t practice the all important positive mindset without self-compassion. The most effective ways to face challenges is preparation, perseverance, and perspective. 

Why is goal setting important for developing mental toughness?

I’m not sure goal setting is as important as visualizing yourself achieving that goal. The key to perseverance toward an end goal is consistent engagement with a set of behaviors that slowly move you toward the end point. So often people give up on their goals and dreams, not because they didn’t set a goal, but they believe that they have to climb a ladder to get there. What if we didn’t have to climb a ladder, but rather aligned ourselves with the identity that is consistent with the ultimate goal? Rather than becoming a marathon runner once you’ve completed your first marathon, you are a marathon runner once you lace up your shoes and start training. All you need for success at that point is to ask yourself, what would a __ (marathon runner) do in this situation? The answer to that question will help deliver you to your goal. 

What techniques can help develop and maintain self-discipline?

Let’s go back to Michael Jordan for a moment. After getting cut from that team, he knew he was still a valuable basketball player. He practiced before school and focused on being the best JV player he could be. This focus on the present moment allows you to follow your routine and hone the skills you need now; not worrying about becoming a future NBA star. Success is fueled when you make the routine easy and obvious to engage in (putting obstacles and friction points between you and your routine will decrease the chances that you will actually follow through). Make sure your routine is rewarding and find aspects that you enjoy. Rewarding yourself for small achievements, like enjoying a favorite snack after a good workout, reinforces great habits that help result in success.

What are effective ways to manage stress and stay calm under pressure?

I know one thing that doesn’t help, freaking out. Freaking out about pressure never improves performance. There is an optimal level of stress that is needed for great performance. To help control the stress and pressure, try evaluating the “threat” scientifically and objectively. During the Apollo 13 mission, the crew faced life-threatening challenges. By staying calm, focusing on their training, and working methodically through problems, they managed to return safely to Earth. Techniques like deep breathing, which calms the nervous system, and mindfulness, which keeps you present and reduces anxiety, are crucial in high-pressure situations.

How can individuals build and maintain self-confidence in difficult situations?

Consider a public speaker who initially feels nervous speaking in front of large audiences. By preparing thoroughly (making sure you know your content), and visualizing success, they gradually build confidence. Figure out if you are the kind of speaker who wants to work from a pre-written script or do better with notes and bullet points. Standing tall, taking a deep breath to calm and slow your nervous system, and maintaining eye contact are ways to project confidence, even if you’re feeling unsure inside. “Make friends” with the audience, people are less critical of you when they like you. 

What is the connection between physical fitness and mental toughness?

Navy SEAL training is a prime example. Trainees undergo grueling physical tests that also challenge their mental fortitude. Regular exercise not only builds physical strength but also trains you in resilience, which is just another way to think about “mental toughness”. The discipline needed to maintain a fitness regimen translates to mental resilience in other areas of life.

Mental toughness is really just another way of thinking about healthy habits paired with self-compassion and a healthy side of resilience. These might seem like a lot of things to juggle at the same time. I promise they pair well together and once you practice one of these things, the others begin to naturally follow.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Back-to-School Jitters: Helping Your Child Thrive

The first day of school – a mix of excitement and apprehension for kids of all ages. Whether your child is stepping into kindergarten or navigating the complexities of high school, it’s normal for them to experience some back-to-school jitters. Let’s tak about how to help them (and you!) navigate this transition smoothly.

From Kindergarten to College Prep

The challenges may look different for a kindergartner versus a senior, but the core emotions are similar. Younger kids might worry about making friends or separating from parents, while older students might grapple with academic pressures, social anxieties, or future uncertainties.

Taming the Back-to-School Beast

Here are some tips to help your child (and you) conquer those back-to-school blues:

• Open Communication: Create a safe space for your child to share their feelings. Listen attentively, validate their emotions, and offer reassurance. Let them suggest how they would like to solve a problem before you jump in. 

• Establish Routines: Consistent bedtimes, meal times, and study schedules can provide a sense of stability. Especially moving from summer to school year bed times, make this transition slowly. Start now and every couple of days try making bed time 15 minutes earlier until you reach the desired bed time (yep, that even means over Labor Day weekend). 

• Family Time: Prioritize quality family time to strengthen bonds and reduce stress. Research says that when families that have at least one meal a day together, the kids do better. If dinner isn’t a possibility, then try being together for breakfast. Be flexible and creative in finding this time together. 

• Self-Care: Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of your own well-being to be a better support system for your child.

• Seek Support: If your child’s anxiety is overwhelming, consider reaching out to a school counselor or mental health professional.

• Laugh: Sometimes, the best way to handle stress is with a good laugh. Watch a funny movie, play a silly game, or simply share a lighthearted moment together.

Remember, it’s normal to feel a mix of emotions as the school year starts. A few years ago my kiddo talked about being “nerve-cited”, a mix of nervous and excited before starting at his new school. We can have two seemingly opposite emotions at the same time and as parents we don’t have to correct or solve these feelings. Just make space for them. Happy Back to School everyone!

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Heat and Mental Health: The effects of high temperatures on mood and mental well-being, including irritability and increased risk of aggression

As the summer sun cranks up the heat, our moods can sometimes follow suit in less-than-pleasant ways. High temperatures do more than make us sweat—they can also stir up irritability and even increase the risk of aggression. So, let's take a light-hearted look at how to keep cool and carry on, mentally speaking, when the mercury rises.

Feeling the Heat: When temperatures soar, our bodies work overtime to keep cool. This extra effort can lead to physical discomfort, fatigue, and dehydration—all of which can put a damper on our mood. It's no wonder tempers can flare more easily when it's hot outside. That uncomfortable feeling isn’t just in your head; it’s your body’s way of saying, "Hey, a little help here!"

Irritability Alert: High temperatures can turn the most patient person into a grump. The discomfort and lack of sleep due to heat can make minor annoyances seem like major catastrophes. If you find yourself snapping at little things, you’re not alone. The key is recognizing this heat-induced irritability and taking steps to cool down—literally and figuratively.

Aggression on the Rise: Studies have shown that high temperatures can increase aggressive behavior. This might be because our brains are working harder to process the discomfort and stress caused by heat. So, the next time you feel like blowing off steam, try to remember that it might just be the sun getting to you.

Stay Cool, Mentally: To beat the heat and keep your cool, start with hydration. Drinking plenty of water helps your body manage the heat more effectively. Seek out air-conditioned environments when possible and take cool showers to lower your body temperature.

Chill Out with Fun: Engage in activities that help you relax and take your mind off the heat. Whether it’s a dip in the pool, an ice cream break, or a good book in the shade, finding enjoyable distractions can help keep irritability at bay.

Sleep Smart: Hot nights can disrupt sleep, adding to daytime grumpiness. Use fans, light bedding, and keep your sleeping environment as cool as possible. A good night's sleep is essential for maintaining a positive mood, even when the weather isn't cooperating.

In the face of summer's scorching heat, a little mindfulness and self-care can go a long way. So, stay cool, hydrate, and keep your sense of humor handy—it's one of the best ways to beat the heat!

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

People Who Moved at Least Once During Childhood Usually Develop These 10 Traits as Adults

Recently Dr. Daniel Kessler was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's his longer response:

Why can moving change a child in positive ways? 

Moving homes is undoubtedly disruptive. Daily routines are interrupted, friendships are affected by distance, and everything feels new. Where the child had comfort and stability, there is now newness and uncertainty. While disruptive in the short-term, over time, the immediate disruption may wane, leaving a set of potentially beneficial life skills. These potential benefits include increased independence, flexibility, adaptivity and improved self-confidence from overcoming challenges. Other potential benefits include enhanced empathy, improved communication skills and a broader worldview and understanding of differences. 

What about some negative ways?

Potential negatives are loneliness/isolation from the loss of friendships, grief from these same losses, reduced performance in school, and difficulty making new friends. As happens so often with opportunities to grow and develop strengths, there is also an increased risk of depression in children who move. 

With a move, children (and adults, too) find themselves in new and different worlds, with different sets of cultural norms, activities and environment. Even when moving within this USA, there can be huge cultural differences between geographic areas and population densities. When the transition doesn’t go well, a person can feel lost or overwhelmed. 

What are 7 traits people who moved as children might develop?

Children who move and who are helped to manage the move well, in addition to adaptability and resilience, may develop greater problem-solving skills as an adult, as they are forced to figure out and resolve the challenges in their new environments. With the need to make a challenging transition themselves, they may develop empathy and understanding to others who are going through similar challenging life changes and transitions.

Successful navigation of transitions may help the child develop a greater understanding of the differences in worldviews that are held by people in different areas, leading to a greater degree of open-mindedness in adulthood, accompanying the empathy that they have developed.

Those who move and handle the move well, or who are helped to handle the move well, may gain a sense of mastery, which can lead to greater independence and strength. They are pushed to develop the skills of meeting and making new friends, which can aid in the development of improved communication skills.

If you’re struggling mentally because of moving as a child, what are 3-5 tips for healing?

It is important to note that all of the above assumes that the move is handled well. Sometimes, even with the best preparation and most loving, supportive and understanding homes, children will struggle with a move. It is important to acknowledge the challenge of moving. Parents may be tempted to “sell” the move in entirely positive terms, but it is important to accept that, especially in the initial phases of the process, the move is likely to be experienced as a significant loss. Parents who acknowledge the loss and can accept that the move may be painful, can help set their children up for success and faster healing.

Sometimes that healing doesn’t occur. If the child (or adult) is struggling with the move and experiencing depression, seeking help from a therapist or psychologist could help the individual make the transition and cope better with the loss.

Developing stability in the new environment is an important step. This stability is both environmental, in terms of the new home situation, and social. Connecting with others, developing new social networks, and establishing new routines is important to the change. Humans like a stable and predictable environment, and people moving, whether adults or children, are more likely to do well if their world is made as stable and predictable as possible.

Essentially, a move is a life challenge. If navigated well, life challenges help us to grow and develop into better versions of ourselves. These life challenges, however, are not without risk. Sometimes they can result in greater discomfort or illness. In those cases, it is important to seek assistance sooner than later, to smooth out the process and improve the likelihood of growth.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

People Who Felt Constantly Criticized as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

Why can childhood criticism have such a lasting impact?

Let's start with the definition of “criticism.” John and Julie Gottman, from The Gottman Institute, talk about criticism as an attack on a person's character or personality rather than their behavior. This is in contrast to a “complaint.” When someone is focused on a complaint, they are communicating about a person's choices, not the core of the individual. You ask why criticism in childhood can be so detrimental. Well, childhood is an extremely sensitive time in which we are developing not only physically, but mentally, and emotionally. This is a time when our brains are learning about how to interact with the world and these early learnings have a lasting impact. These patterns of understanding oneself, others, and the world become deeply entrenched and can influence how we navigate relationships for the rest of our lives. During childhood we are developing our internal voice and this voice can sound like the caretakers around us. If that voice is constantly telling us that we don’t measure up, it can lead to self-doubt and low self-esteem. The longer this inner voice goes unchecked, the more intractable it can become.

Why shouldn’t people feel shame for having feelings/traits related to childhood criticism?

We shouldn't feel ashamed for an inner harsh critic because it's typically not something we have “caused.” This is likely a voice of a caretaker, rather than something we did to ourselves. Furthermore, shame is unproductive and the result of such criticism. It's not productive because it doesn't foster growth or change. Oddly enough, shame is an emotion that is so powerful and often leads us to hide from others or numb the pain. Furthermore, we don’t want to shame our caretakers for using a voice of criticism because our parents were likely doing the best they could (which is not the same as the best there is or what you deserved). It’s not until more recently that we are more fully understanding the lasting impact of criticism. Each generation of parenting is trying to do a little bit better than the generation before. We are doing better by our youth than was done by us. You are not alone if you have a harsh internal critic based on a voice from your past, it's not your fault, you didn’t cause this, and it’s counterproductive to pile shame on top of shame. Instead, respond to yourself and others with self-compassion and begin taking charge of a healthier internal narrative.

What are traits of people who were constantly criticized as children?

Low Self-Esteem: Criticism chips away at a person’s sense of self-worth. They may doubt their abilities, be afraid they will get called out for it, and worry they're not enough.

*Example: Someone with low self-esteem might avoid taking on new challenges at work for fear of failure, wonder if they're even qualified, or worry that their best wasn’t enough.

Perfectionism: In an attempt to avoid criticism, some children develop a belief that everything needs to be perfect. Since perfectionism is really a path to paralysis this can lead to procrastination, anxiety, and difficulty completing tasks. It keeps the focus on “what will they think” instead of your internal strive toward high achievement and excellence.

*Example: A perfectionist student might spend hours rewriting an essay to get every sentence perfect, even if it means missing the deadline. They will struggle to look at something that is really good and congratulate themselves on a job well done, and instead they tend to focus on the flaws or where it could have been better.

Difficulty Accepting Compliments: When someone constantly criticizes you, genuine compliments can feel confusing or undeserved.

*Example: Someone who struggles with accepting compliments might brush off praise by downplaying the complement, responding with a negative (“It wasn’t that great, I could have done better”), or attributing the success to someone else (“Yeah, I was a part of that workgroup, but it was Sheila who really deserves the credit”).

Hypersensitivity to Criticism: Even constructive feedback can feel harsh to someone who was constantly criticized. They may become defensive or withdraw when receiving any kind of criticism. People who react this way tend to catastrophize when someone is giving them feedback.

*Example: An employee who is hypersensitive to criticism might take their boss's feedback very personally, becoming upset or argumentative. “I don’t know why you are asking me where the keys for the cabinet are; I’m never in that office to begin with.”

People-Pleasing: A child who was frequently criticized might try to people-please or overly anticipate someone’s needs to avoid even the appearance of negativity (we might even call this a fawn response). They may prioritize others' needs over their own and have difficulty setting boundaries.

*Example: A people-pleasing friend might always agree to plans they don't enjoy, fearing they'll be seen as difficult or disappointing. In more extreme situations you might see someone overly apologize, agree with unreasonable criticisms, or other lengths to avoid someone being displeased with them.

Fear of Failure: Being overly criticized as a child may create a fear of making mistakes, taking risks, or trying new things. They may avoid situations where they could potentially fail. Remember, making mistakes is often our best teacher.

*Example: Someone with a fear of failure might avoid public speaking opportunities, even if it hinders their career advancement.

Self-Reliance: Some children who face constant criticism learn to rely on themselves for validation and approval. This sounds like a good thing, but there is such a thing as too much of a “good thing”. These people become independent and resourceful, but also can struggle to trust or connect with others. These individuals have learned “I’m the only one who will be there for me” and as such they operate more like a “lone wolf”.

*Example: A self-reliant person might handle all their problems alone, even when they would benefit from asking for help from a friend or family member.

Difficulty Expressing Emotions: If a child is criticized for their emotions (like being told that crying is “weak”), they may learn to shut them down. This can lead to difficulty with unhealthy emotional expression.

*Example: Someone who struggles to express emotions might have trouble communicating their needs or feelings in a relationship, leading to misunderstandings. They might also have difficulty recognizing and responding to healthy emotional expression in others.

Overly Critical of Others: People who were harshly criticized tend to believe that others are not doing their best. They may become critical or judgmental of others because they apply the same template to others as they do themselves. They aren’t giving themselves grace and they certainly aren’t giving it to others either. They are confusing “the best there is” with “the best I can do.” These are often different, but held as synonymous by someone with a strong internal critic.

*Example: Someone who is overly critical might judge others as not “doing the best they can,” which leads to anger and resentment.

Struggle to Trust Others: When a child's primary caregivers are critical, it can be difficult for them to trust others' intentions or motivations. Humans are a deeply social species that crave belonging and connection. Criticism tends to bring shame and severs the feeling of belonging. They may be guarded in their relationships and have difficulty forming close bonds.

*Example: Someone who struggles to trust might be hesitant to open up to new friends or partners, fearing they'll be judged, criticized, or pushed away.

What are tips for healing from childhood criticism?

1. Challenge your inner critic: this is always my favorite skill to teach in therapy. This is the opportunity to listen carefully to your inner criticisms, challenge the validity, and develop an accurate reflection of past and current experiences. This tends to quickly modify a person's sense of worth. It might mean that you have to own some areas of weakness or development, but we can do this with radical acceptance and not diminish our self-worth.

2. Practice self-compassion: self-compassion is the ability to treat yourself with kindness and understanding. It's acknowledging your own feelings that arise as a part of your past experiences (biography and backstory) while acknowledging that it does not have to be a part of your future. Often I ask my clients to consider their self-talk and if it's not something they would tolerate hearing coming from a friend, then they shouldn't say it to themselves. It is critical that we are speaking to ourselves in ways that are consistent with how we expect others to treat us.

3. Limit contact and time with critical people wherever possible: if you continue to have contact with someone who insists on being overly critical and cannot, or does not, change their communication style to be more intentional, supportive, and focused on behaviors rather than your character, then consider putting some boundaries or additional emotional/physical space between you and that person.

4. Seek professional help: many of the suggested, or recommended, antidotes to criticism that has begun in childhood can be difficult to do on your own. Bringing in a therapist can help you learn ways to challenge negative thought patterns and build a stronger social support system. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Sun Exposure and Mental Health: The benefits of sunlight for mood through vitamin D synthesis, balanced against the risks of overexposure

Ah, summer! The season of sunshine, beach days, and BBQs. But while you're basking in those golden rays, it's important to remember the balancing act between soaking up the benefits of sunlight for your mood and avoiding the risks of overexposure. 

Sunshine and Smiles: Sunlight is like nature’s Prozac. It helps our bodies produce vitamin D, which plays a crucial role in mood regulation. When sunlight hits our skin, it kick-starts the production of this essential vitamin, helping to ward off feelings of depression and anxiety. This is why a sunny day often leaves us feeling more cheerful and energized.

Vitamin D Delight: Vitamin D is not just a mood booster; it's also vital for bone health and immune function. Spending time outdoors in the sun can help ensure you're getting enough of this nutrient, especially if you live in areas with long, dark winters. So, a little sunshine each day can keep the blues at bay and support overall health.

The Overexposure Woes: While sunlight has its perks, too much of a good thing can be problematic. Overexposure to UV rays can lead to sunburn, premature aging, and an increased risk of skin cancer. Not exactly the souvenirs you want from your summer vacation!

Strike a Balance: To enjoy the sunny benefits without the risks, aim for moderate sun exposure. About 10 to 30 minutes of midday sun several times a week is usually enough for most people to produce sufficient vitamin D. Always use sunscreen with at least SPF 30, and reapply it regularly, especially if you’re swimming or sweating.

Shade and Hydration: Take breaks in the shade to cool off and drink plenty of water to stay hydrated. Wearing a wide-brimmed hat and UV-blocking sunglasses can also help protect your skin and eyes from harmful rays.

Enjoy the Outdoors Wisely: Engage in outdoor activities like walking, gardening, or playing sports during the cooler parts of the day, such as early morning or late afternoon. This way, you can soak up the sun's benefits without overdoing it.

So, go ahead and enjoy that sunshine! With a bit of caution and care, you can bask in the mood-boosting benefits of sunlight while keeping your skin safe and your spirits high. Happy sunbathing!

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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Physical activity: an overlooked key to good mental health.

In a world with so many responsibilities and distractions, safeguarding our mental well-being is critical. While there are many strategies to foster mental health, one of the most accessible and potent is often overlooked: physical activity. Whether it's a brisk walk in the park, a yoga session at home, or a game of basketball with friends, the benefits of staying active extend far beyond physical fitness.

Boosting Mood and Happiness

It's no secret that physical activity can lift our spirits. When we engage in exercise, our bodies release endorphins, often referred to as "feel-good hormones." These chemicals act as natural painkillers and stress relievers, promoting a sense of well-being and euphoria. Even a short bout of exercise can elevate mood and help combat feelings of anxiety and depression. So, the next time you're feeling down, consider taking a brief walk around one of the many beautiful parks nearby!

Reducing Stress and Anxiety

Life's pressures can sometimes feel overwhelming, but physical activity offers a powerful antidote. Regular exercise has been shown to reduce levels of cortisol, the body's primary stress hormone. By breaking a sweat, we not only release tension from our muscles but also clear our minds of worries and anxieties. Whether it's through the rhythmic motion of running or the meditative flow of yoga, exercise provides a place where we can temporarily escape the stresses of daily life.

Fostering Social Connections

Human beings are inherently social creatures, and physical activity provides an ideal opportunity to connect with others. Whether it's joining a sports team, attending group fitness classes, or simply going for a walk with a friend, exercising in the company of others can foster a sense of belonging. These social interactions not only enrich our lives but also serve as a source of support during challenging times. So, next time consider inviting a friend to join you for added motivation and enjoyment.

Wishing you health and happiness, Veritas Psychology Partners 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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What Are Phrases High-Level Thinkers Often Say? Plus, the 3-step guide to becoming a high-level thinker yourself.

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

High-level thinking is a bit like being a skilled chef in a bustling kitchen, where instead of juggling pots and pans, you're juggling complex ideas, patterns, and abstract concepts. It involves stepping back from the immediate details to view the bigger picture, making connections between seemingly unrelated ideas, and employing critical and creative thinking skills to solve problems in innovative ways.

The benefits of high-level thinking are akin to having a Swiss Army knife for your brain. It enhances your problem-solving abilities, makes you more adaptable to change, and improves your capacity to understand others' perspectives. This kind of thinking boosts your creativity, helps in making more informed decisions, increases empathy, and generally makes you a more insightful and interesting person to hang around with at parties.

People who have honed and practiced high-level thinking skills often show us by first slowing down before moving forward. Their ideas and suggestions are more like a complex photo or image that when you look closely are really made up for smaller images to form a larger one. 

• "Let's look at this from a different angle." This shows their willingness to explore alternative perspectives and find novel solutions.

• "What's the bigger picture here?" They're adept at zooming out to see how the pieces fit together, understanding that details are part of larger systems.

• "How does this connect to what we were discussing earlier?" Demonstrating their ability to draw parallels and link ideas across different contexts.

• "What if we approached it this way instead?" or “let’s see if we can do more with less”. Suggesting flexibility and creativity in problem-solving. These are people who don’t just advocate buying new, but find creative ways to use what they already have in new ways. 

• "Let's break down the assumptions we're making." They challenge the status quo and question underlying beliefs, which can lead to breakthrough insights.

• "Can we find a pattern?" Looking for patterns is a hallmark of strategic thinking, crucial for predicting and planning.

• "What are the potential ripple effects?" Considering the broader consequences of decisions shows an understanding of cause and effect on a complex level. They are thoughtful and slow to respond because they are performing some mental gymnastics before they weigh in. 

On the flip side, something someone with high-level thinking wouldn’t say is "That's just the way it is." This statement closes the door on questioning, curiosity, and the possibility of change—antithetical to the very nature of high-level thinking, which thrives on open-ended questions and the potential for innovation.

To cultivate high-level thinking, consider these three top tips:

1. Embrace Curiosity: Like a child marveling at the world, ask 'why' frequently. Dive into topics outside your comfort zone to broaden your perspective. Implement this by adopting a 'learner's mindset,' where you see every experience as an opportunity to grow. This way of thinking also forestalls judgment until you have seen all the angles. High-level thinkers tend to be less prone to jump to a conclusion, which is a hallmark of “fast thinking”. 

2. Practice Reflection: Set aside time for regular reflection on your experiences and what you've learned. This can be through journaling, meditation, or thoughtful discussion with others. It helps to cement the connections and insights you've made.

3. Engage with Diverse Perspectives: Surround yourself with people and situations that challenge your thinking. This can be through experience, books, podcasts, or conversations with individuals from different backgrounds and disciplines. Implementing this involves actively seeking out and listening to voices that differ from your own, which can help you develop a more nuanced and comprehensive understanding of the world. It embraces the mindset that you have something new to learn each day and actively seek that opportunity. 

While Einstein and Da Vinci were definitely high-level thinkers, we can be too. This is a skill that can be nurtured and developed. Committing to high-level thinking is a practice that adds depth to your personal and professional life as well as to those around you.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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May is Mental Health Month!

May is right around the corner! As the flowers bloom and the temperatures warm, May not only brings a change in season but also marks a significant month for mental well-being: Mental Health Awareness Month. This month, we are dedicated to raising awareness about mental health, breaking the stigma, and creating a community that supports mental wellness.

Mental health and wellbeing is essential at every stage of life, from childhood and adolescence through adulthood. It encompasses our emotional, psychological, and social well-being, affecting how we think, feel, and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make choices.

Why Focus on Mental Health?

• Breaking the Stigma: Many people with mental health issues do not seek help due to the stigma. By talking openly, we can break down barriers and foster a more supportive environment.

• Early Support Makes a Difference: Early intervention can help reduce the severity of mental illness. It's crucial to support one another and encourage those who need help to seek it.

• Building a Supportive Community: Our community can play a key role in supporting those who are struggling. Let’s ensure that everyone knows they are not alone and that help is available.

Helpful Resources:

• Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988 (call or text)

• Minnesota Warmline: 651-288-0400 or 855-WARMLINE or text 855111

• Full directory of warmlines for every state

Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. This May, let’s commit to being more mindful of our mental health and the health of those around us. If you or someone you know is struggling, we encourage you to reach out to the resources listed above.

Together, we can create a caring and supportive environment for everyone. Remember, you are not alone.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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Gayle MacBride's Five Things Everyone Should Know About Postpartum Depression

Dr. Gayle MacBride was recently interviewed about Postpartum Depression by Authority Magazine (owned by Medium.com) about her: "Five Things Everyone Should Know About Postpartum Depression."

Check it out here.

And if you just want the tips, here's a direct link to the video.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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How can I stop over-apologizing at work, and what can I say instead?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question, and related questions. Here's her response:

For women navigating professional landscapes, mastering the art of assertive dialogue—especially when it involves disagreeing or asserting oneself without over-apologizing—becomes a crucial skill. This empowerment fosters leadership and credibility and also ensures that one's voice is a part of the decision making. If you are a high-achieving business woman, here’s how you can stop over-apologizing at work and what to say instead. 

Navigating Challenges with Assertiveness:

It's about shifting the narrative from apologizing for our presence or thoughts to confidently asserting our value. Practice active listening, choose the right moment to share your ideas, and use "I" statements to express your thoughts and feelings. This approach fosters a respectful and productive dialogue, where your professional insights are valued and your contributions recognized. Much of this involves us navigating the complexities of office power dynamics. Many people get trapped into the model of if someone has power, then I have less (Power Over models). Often women have internalized power messages and this can be why they try to come in soft and friendly and use “I’m sorry”, so as not to look like they are challenging a power structure. Instead, I’d like the reader to consider that very often women lead and use/experience power in a very different way. They use “tend and befriend”. This means we can be very skilled at navigating power differently, which looks more like power as an infinite resource (instead of finite and something to be amassed and hoarded). Power With and Power To are models of knowing the kind of power you hold and being intentional about sharing it with and giving it to individuals when needed. This means that we can create scenarios where we stay strong in our position and messaging even when “lending” our power to others. Below I share some ideas for navigating these conversations and shifting the power dynamic for the good. 

Practical Phrases to Use Instead of Apologizing:

I teach my clients to practice substituting “thank you” for “I’m sorry”. It’s a quick and easy substitution that can make your communication stronger. Save “I’m sorry” for a time when you really need to take ownership of a mistake or problem. (Also watch for hesitating or qualifying language. For example, when you add “just” to your message it weakens it slightly. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry for being 5 minutes late” vs “Thank you for waiting for me; I value your time. Let’s get started.”

In addition to the above you can try:

• Acknowledgment: Instead of apologizing, acknowledge the situation. E.g., “I recognize that this situation is challenging.” Or, “I appreciate your perspective. Here's another viewpoint..."

• Expressing Regret: “I wish things had turned out differently.”

• Offering a Solution: “Let’s work on a solution together.”

• Taking Responsibility: “I see how my actions contributed to this issue, and here’s how I plan to make it right.”

• Gratitude: Thank the other person for their patience or understanding, e.g., “Thank you for your patience as I work through this.”

• Asserting influence: share your experience or expertise, e.g., "From my experience, I believe..." or “I’d like to invite you…” Inviting a person allows you to be firm without being demanding. 

• Requesting needs to be met: It is important that we are able to interject and make requests for needs to get met, even at work. Next time, try "Do you have a moment? I have an idea to discuss..." instead of, “I’m sorry to bother you.”

Stop saying I’m sorry, because:

• Dilutes the Meaning: Repeatedly saying "I'm sorry" for minor issues can dilute its meaning over time, making it less impactful when a genuine apology is needed.

• Habitual Apology: For some, apologizing becomes a reflex, even when you’re not at fault. This can undermine one’s self-confidence and make others perceive them as less assertive.

• Affirming Responsibility: Using phrases that articulate responsibility for specific actions rather than a blanket apology can demonstrate self-awareness and commitment to change.

• Building Confidence: Alternatives to "I'm sorry" can help build confidence by shifting the focus from guilt to problem-solving and improvement.

• Clarity and Precision: Being specific about what you regret or what you're going to change provides clarity and helps avoid misunderstandings.

• Active Problem-Solving: Instead of a passive apology, offering a solution or a plan to rectify the situation shows initiative and a proactive attitude.

• Reducing Resentment: Constant apologies, especially for things not directly one's fault, can lead to resentment in relationships and can escalate conflict. Alternatives can foster healthier interactions and don’t fan the flames of blame and finger pointing. 

• Balancing Dynamics: In relationships where one party constantly apologizes, it can create an imbalanced dynamic. Using alternative phrases can help maintain equality.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

How can I stop my excessive reassurance seeking from my partner?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question, and related questions. Here's her response:

Excessive reassurance seeking is a bit like being the mayor of an imaginary place called Reassurance Town. It’s what happens when our inner doubts and anxieties hold a little too much power, prompting us to seek constant approval from those around us. This behavior might come across as quirky or endearing at times, but it can also be a signal of deeper challenges, such as anxiety, insecurity, or self-doubt. In some cases, it's related to more significant issues like obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), trauma, and attachment issues. While looking for that extra thumbs-up might feel like a quick fix, it’s more like a band-aid solution. It can lead to a cycle that temporarily eases worries without tackling the underlying causes. Seeking reassurance from a partner can give us a little taste of dopamine and with a hint of oxytocin. This reward and love chemical combo is a bit like hitting on a slot machine, it definitely makes us want to go back for more. Understanding this can be a step towards addressing the root of the problem, rather than just the symptoms.

How can constant reassurance seeking impact a relationship?

Consistently pressing the panic button for reassurance can really put a relationship on a roller coaster ride – full of ups, downs, and unexpected turns. It might leave one partner feeling more like a round-the-clock support hotline rather than a significant other, which can dim the spark of romance. Every chat could start feeling like you're picking up emotional luggage, which is exhausting for everyone involved. On the flip side, the one always seeking reassurance might actually become more anxious about the relationship's stability, potentially spiraling into the very worries they hoped to avoid. This cycle can strain the partnership, leading to feelings of frustration and imbalance. As the reassurance-seeking partner frets more about the relationship's future, it only fuels the behavior, creating a challenging loop to break.

What are some actionable tips to help break free of your own reassurance seeking behaviors in a relationship? 

• Acknowledging Your Patterns: Start by owning up to your reassurance-seeking habits. Recognize when and why you're reaching for that "all clear" signal which may be coming in the form of dopamine and oxytocin, which are high reward chemical reactions for us. Noticing this pattern is the first step towards independence from needing constant validation.

• Soothing Strategies: Cultivate calmness with techniques that help you maintain your cool. This could be anything from deep breathing exercises to immersing yourself in a hobby or your favorite music. Find what works to flip your calm switch.

• Open Communication: It's crucial to have honest discussions with your partner. Let them know you're actively working on reducing your reassurance needs. Shift the conversation from constant reassurance questions to tackling issues together, as a team.

• Professional Guidance: Don't shy away from seeking help from a therapist. They're trained to navigate through our unique challenges and can offer new perspectives and strategies to manage our anxieties and behaviors effectively.

• Boosting Self-Esteem: Enhance your self-confidence through small victories and self-care. Setting achievable goals, practicing self-compassion, and engaging in positive self-affirmations can significantly impact your self-perception.

• Patience and Humor: Approach your journey of self-improvement with patience and a light heart. Change doesn't happen overnight, but with consistent effort and a dash of humor, the path to feeling more secure and less dependent on reassurance can be a rewarding one.

Combining these approaches offers a more comprehensive guide to managing reassurance-seeking behavior, blending practical advice with understanding and support for a healthier, more balanced relationship with yourself and your partner.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

How can you build emotional intimacy with your partner?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question, and related questions. Here's her response:

First of all, think of emotional intimacy as having a VIP pass into each other's heart and mind. It's about being so in sync that you can share your weirdest thoughts or deepest fears without worrying about being judged. Imagine being able to say, "I cried over a commercial this morning," and getting a hug instead of a weird look. It's about creating a cozy, judgment-free zone where all secrets are safe, and silent support speaks volumes. But, the key is that both partners are sharing–it needs to be reciprocated and reciprocal.

Having emotional intimacy in your relationship is like having a secret superpower. It turns "you and me" into an invincible "we" that can face anything from minor annoyances (like who forgot to replace the toilet roll) to major life storms. It’s the difference between having a roommate who simply shares your living space and a partner who’s your rock, your cheerleader, and sometimes, your personal stand-up comedian. Plus, it’s good for your health - like eating your veggies but way more fun. No, seriously research by the Gottmans (Drs. John and Julie Gottman) and others have shown that we live longer and healthier when we have this kind of satisfaction in our intimate relationships. 

So, great, how do you build emotional intimacy then? There are lots of ways, but here are a few suggestions.

• Talk it out: Share your day, your dreams, or that bizarre dream where you were a singing pineapple. Listen to their stories with all ears, even if they're about something as thrilling as finding a great parking spot. The Gottmans call this “Love Maps”. This is when our partner can answer all kinds of questions about us. They have a good maps of our emotional landscape.

• Quality time is the best time: Find cool stuff to do together. It could be binge-watching that show everyone's talking about or exploring the great outdoors. Just make sure phones are on silent. Your Instagram feed can wait.

• Say thanks: Show some love for the little things. A simple "thanks for dealing with the spider invasion" can mean a lot and goes a long way. It's about noticing and appreciating each other, often and for even the little things.

• Be their cheerleader: Support them through highs and lows, whether they're aiming for a promotion or just trying to fix the leaky faucet. Your "You've got this!" can be the boost they need.

• Trust is a must: Keep promises, share secrets, and be their confidante. Remember, trust is like an antique vase - hard to fix if broken.

• Cuddle up: Never underestimate the power of a good cuddle. It's like a warm blanket for the soul. All mammals need, may thrive on touch. It’s essential for our well being, just be sure you know how and when your partner likes to be touched.

• Try new things together: Whether it's a cooking class or skydiving, new adventures create unforgettable memories and bring you closer.

• Walk in their shoes: Try to see the world from their perspective, especially during disagreements. Empathy can turn a potential argument into a moment of understanding.

• Assume positive intent: simply put, assume the best in your partner. They are your teammate, not plotting your demise! It's like deciding they're handing you flowers, not secretly planting cacti. It’s easy to say, but hard to always follow through on. Assuming the best can turn even a potential squabble into just another quirky adventure together.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Why is acceptance important when it comes to managing a mental health diagnosis, and living well with it?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question, and related questions. Here's her response:

Acceptance is receiving something without trying to change it. With regard to a mental health diagnosis, it is important to accept/receive the diagnosis, without necessarily trying to change the fact that you have the diagnosis (although that part can take some time). It allows the individual to focus on their responsibility and capability to live well in the context of the symptoms they may have as well as do the things in their power to mitigate relapses. We find that resigning to a diagnosis or fighting it leads to much more time spent negotiating about the diagnosis or even denying the existence of symptoms, which does not create healthy circumstances for focusing on the aspects of this that are within one’s own control.

How can psychoeducation help someone accept a diagnosis?

Psychoeducation can be incredibly therapeutic because it allows an individual with a mental health diagnosis learn about the diagnosis and its symptoms in a way that can be separate from themselves. This separation can lead to an increased ability to accept themselves and the diagnosis without judgment and increase self-compassion. Frequently, when clients come to me and we begin reviewing symptoms, which leads to a diagnosis, and I can explain to them how and why those symptoms are related to the diagnosis, they are quite relieved. The most frequent thing they tell me is, “So, I'm not the only one?” Also, clients report great relief at even knowing there is a name for what they’ve been experiencing and, even better, a possible treatment for it.

How can support from others -- like peer support groups -- help someone accept a diagnosis?

Belonging is a core human need. Peer support groups allow people to connect around something they have in common and helps people feel like they are in the right place with the right people. In this case it's a mental health friendly community. Encouraging individuals to connect in a group setting puts people together who have varying levels of acceptance and experience with a particular mental health diagnosis or set of symptoms. Increasing exposure to others who have lived with this illness can help others see a path forward, instead of getting stuck in "a deficit mindset”. As with above, it helps to know they are not alone in their diagnosis.

This is one of the reasons that the Mental Health Recovery movement began utilizing the expertise and services of Peer Support Specialists. These are individuals who have been trained to support others about their mental health diagnosis. This also shows individuals who have mental health diagnosis that the professional mental health community is not the only place they can turn to for resources and ideas about ways to live their fullest life.

What else can someone do to work toward accepting a mental health diagnosis?

Self-compassion is key to accepting a mental health diagnosis. Using gentle and accurate self-talk can improve self-compassion, which in turn increases the likelihood that someone can experience their mental health diagnosis from the perspective of acceptance, rather than resignation, which in turn increases the success of treatment because it returns the autonomy to the individual.

For some people it is important to process the grief that is associated with a mental health diagnosis. Most of us don't wish to grow up with or later be diagnosed with a mental health problem, so we may need to grieve what we have lost. The thing that is lost may just be a construct or idea, but it is something that was treasured by the individual. Allowing this grief can be key to moving through the process of accepting a mental health diagnosis. The work of David Kessler builds on the work of Elizabeth Kubler Ross and suggests that the sixth stage of grief is “meaning making.” I find it helpful for individuals to find meaning in their diagnosis as a means of feeling as though they have fully accepted it. Sometimes this means they go on to be peer support specialists themselves or just simply have greater compassion and understanding for others who also have mental health diagnosis.

Is there anything else you'd like to add

For really great work outlining the steps to recovery, and therefore increasing the likelihood of acceptance, one should look at the Substance Abuse Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), as well as the excellent work of Mary Ellen Copeland and her Wellness Recovery Action Plan. Knowing the steps and having a plan to manage whatever may come along helps normalize what you're going through as well as mobilize resources when needed.

An important way that the community at large can encourage acceptance is to be sure to use person-first language. Person-first language ensures that when we are speaking about others who have mental health diagnosis we acknowledge their personhood before the illness. So instead of saying “she's bipolar,” it is more meaningful to indicate that “she is a woman with bipolar disorder,” thereby honoring her personhood before her diagnosis. Clients who have mental health diagnosis are more than their diagnosis and should be referred to in a way that is consistent with that mindset.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

The prevalence of postpartum depression

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by T. Duncan from The Check-up By SingleCare, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

How does postpartum depression differ from other types of depression?

The main difference in how we define and treat it is probably based on a question of timing.  We typically say that depression in the first year after a person has been pregnant is "postpartum depression" (PPD).  However, with that said research indicates there are probably differences in depression experienced by a birthing parent that is within the first 8 weeks postpartum and onset later in the postpartum period.  Later onset of depression may be more similar to what we call Major Depression. 

PPD is often triggered by significant hormonal changes/fluctuations (estrogen/progesterone and even thyroid changes), sleep deprivation, physical stress from childbirth, lack of social support, and the challenges of adjusting to parenthood.  If you have experiences depression or anxiety outside the perinatal time, you are at an increased risk for PPD and PPA (anxiety), which is only now getting some attention, but a very real thing that presents in my clients differently than PPD (and maybe outside the scope of this article). 

We also think things like genetics, body image, and recovery from delivery complications can cause PPD. 

Postpartum depression may include symptoms such as extreme fatigue, mood swings, irritability, feelings of guilt or inadequacy as a parent, changes in appetite, and difficulty bonding with the baby.  In PPD we typically see the fatigue and lack of energy kinds of symptoms (more what psychiatry and psychology call the negative symptoms - the things we aren't doing vs what we are).  In typical depression we tend to see more reporting of the typical "low mood" components of depression. With that more persistent sadness comes loss of interest in activities, changes in sleep patterns, changes in appetite, feelings of hopelessness, and difficulty concentrating.

Postpartum depression is more common in persons who have recently given birth and can be influenced by hormonal fluctuations and the challenges of new parenthood. 

If baby is struggling more than usual with feeding, sleeping, or has health complications we can see birthing parents struggle more with mood.  Other risk factors can include genetics or other psycho social stressors and perceived  lack of support.  Another risk factor can be income related stressors. 

Regular depression can affect individuals of any gender, age, or life stage, and it may have a genetic component.

PPD's prevalence rate is 50-85% ranging from postpartum depression all the way to the "baby blues".  This number and the above description does not reflect a condition called Postpartum psychosis. 

Postpartum depression may be treated with a combination of therapy (such as cognitive-behavioral therapy), support groups, and sometimes medication. However, medication choices may be limited for breastfeeding parents.

Regular depression can be treated with therapy, medication, or a combination of both, depending on the severity and individual preferences.

Can you discuss the psychological impact of PPD on a mother's relationship with her child?

• Bonding and attachment -  When left untreated, PPD can hinder bonding and healthy attachment due to the birthing parents limited interest in the newborn. 

• Perception of infant behavior - PPD can distort perception of the infant's behavior.  Birthing parents may misjudge or over interpret baby's signs as it can be colored by their depression or they might miss cues and signs as a result of their withdrawal. 

• Mother's judgment-  PPD can impair the birthing parent's attention to and judgment concerning safety again maybe influenced by the possibility of missing signals from the baby.  

• Breastfeeding - PPD can interfere with breastfeeding. It's a lot of work to breastfeed and depression, especially the more vegetative symptoms may interfere with doing this consistently. 

All of the above can result in impairment or limitations in the birthing parent's ability to care for their baby. 

What role does therapy play in the treatment of PPD?

Talk therapy can be very helpful.  My clients benefit from knowing what they are going through is normal and it's a safe place to talk about the things they think they would otherwise be negatively judged for even thinking (although it's usually very normal and understandable).  We also do a lot of work on getting into a good sleep routine or problem solve ways to gain social support, especially in those first few weeks and months. 

Otherwise, we apply typical Cognitive Behavioral  techniques to challenge negative automatic thoughts and create more accurate self-talk.

How do social and cultural factors influence the prevalence and treatment of PPD?

This is a very big question and is quite likely a dissertation out there about just this.  Expectations of giving birth varies widely by culture.  It can both be a risk factor or a mitigating one (it can help OR hinder). The NIH indicates that the data are really mixed.  I suspect because there are so many variables to control for in a study like this. We believe that if you are in a culture in which you perceive support after giving birth and can express emotions or worries openly, you probably find culture helpful.  If you believe you need to bear it in silence and must bond and be happy about parenthood, you might experience a greater risk for PPD. 

What are common misconceptions about PPD that you encounter in your practice?

Most commonly my clients miss reporting the 'baby blues' and can be a bit dismissive of these signs or may miss out on the chance to have a little self-compassion for the very hard and very wonderful thing they did (grow and give birth to another human).  They also tend to read to many books and try to find the "perfect" path.  Anytime you are looking for perfection you are setting yourself up.  They also tend to underestimate the value of sleep in those first few weeks.  I think they believe they can just "muscle though".

What advice would you give to family members supporting someone with PPD?

First and foremost, be proactive.  Go ahead and report signs and symptoms to your doctor right away. You don't have to take a medication or start talk therapy, but keeping a watchful eye on mood can help you get the help you need a little quicker.  

I love it when my pregnant and birthing parents come in before baby is born, we set up appointments leading up to and right after the birth.  We talk about expectations and do our best to make them realistic and achievable (like a sleep schedule). 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

What is Gaslighting, and how can I identify it?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

Understanding that gaslighting itself is a sneaky form of abuse is important to understanding it from more normative conflict in a relationship. We use the term “gaslighting” to mean everything from two people disagreeing and perhaps fighting in unfair ways, to bullying, to using position of power to cause someone else to question what they think they know. This is not to say that sometimes we don’t or can’t change our minds in a disagreement. In fact, this may be a very productive and healthy aspect of disagreement. In gaslighting, another person is using their position of power in a way to intentionally manipulate your understanding of the facts and causing you to question your own understanding of reality. 

What is gaslighting, really?

In short, gaslighting is abuse. It typically starts small and builds slowly. It’s the proverbial “frog in a boiling pot of water”. Place a frog in a boiling pot of water and it hops out quickly but start with cold water and slowly turn up the heat and it doesn’t know what is happening. Gaslighting works much the same way. This kind of abuse is when one person slowly adds “heat” by disagreeing, even when they truly know the facts. They are doing so to make the other question their own sense of reality. Creating this power differential, the abuser can take more control in a relationship. 

What is gaslighting often mistaken for?

Gaslighting can be mistaken for emotional attachment. The victim of the abuse may have strong feelings of love or loyalty to the abuser. They may also confuse the good moments with the abuser as a sign of hope or change. 

Sometimes gaslighting can look like the abuser being protective of the victim, because they have the victim convinced they can’t function without the abuser. This can be a function of low self-esteem. Lower self-esteem can be something that makes the abuser choose the victim or can be a function of slow and constant berating from the abuser. 

Gaslighting can also look like support when it’s really a function of isolation and dependence created by the abuser. First, they will carve away your support system resulting in isolation, and they may create financial/emotional/social/etc dependency. The only place the victim can have any of these things is through the abuser. This leads victims to feel like they cannot leave, they have nowhere to go. 

Victims will normalize the abuser’s behaviors and might even justify what is happening.

What are subtle signs of gaslighting? 

Trivializing Your Feelings: You express hurt over a joke made at your expense, and the response is, "Can't you take a joke? You're too sensitive." The gaslighter may belittle or dismiss your emotions, making you feel like your reactions are overblown or unwarranted. This kind of gaslighting makes you question the validity of your feelings and can lead you to believe you're overreacting. The goal is to minimize your emotional experience and even decrease the chances you’ll object in the future. 

Denying They Said Something, Even When You Have Proof: Confronting the abuser with a text they sent, and they outright deny ever sending it or insist you must have misunderstood or imagined it. This is a classic gaslighting technique designed to make you doubt your memory or sanity. This technique targets your trust in your own memory and perception of events. This leads to self-doubt over time.

Accuses You of Withholding Information: The flip side of this is when the victim shares information, like plans after work and the abuser denies any knowledge of such a plan. In fact, they might say something like, "You never told me you were going out after work today. Are you sure? I think I would have remembered something like that. This always happens! I think you are hiding something!” Flipping the script (or projecting) like this is startling and leaves the victim on the defense and trying to “make it up” to the abuser. 

Pretending To Not Understand: You try to discuss something important, the abuser might say, "I don't understand what you're talking about," despite providing very clear explanations. The gaslighter pretends not to understand you or refuses to listen, making you feel isolated or unreasonable. This tactic makes you question your communication skills and the validity of your concerns or ideas. 

Countering: You recall a specific detail about a conversation, and they say, "That's not at all how it happened." The gaslighter questions your memory of events, even when you might be slightly unsure. This tactic takes advantage of the natural human memory imperfections, making you more reliant on the gaslighter's version of reality.

Shifting Blame: You might bring up something hurtful the gaslighter did, and the reply is, "Well, you've done the same thing to me," even if it's unrelated. The gaslighter turns the conversation to highlight your faults instead of addressing the issue at hand. They might even exaggerate their own hurt in any given situation to heighten the pressure to talk about their example, leaving yours in the dust. It diverts attention away from their actions and makes you defend yourself instead.

Using Compassionate Language as a Weapon: "I worry about you; you always get these things mixed up," under the guise of concern. They might use affectionate language while subtly undermining you, making it harder to pinpoint the manipulation. Shrouding the manipulation in concern makes it difficult to challenge without feeling guilty or ungrateful to the abuser.

Projecting: Maybe out of the blue the gaslighter accuses their partner of being unfaithful and there is no basis for this attack. The gaslighter may accuse you of their own behaviors to deflect attention from their actions and it’s even more effective if they can place the blame on you. This puts you on the defensive. This is going to consume your energy and attention to disprove their baseless accusations instead of focusing on their behavior.

What do narcissists say during gaslighting?

• You’re overreacting.

• I didn’t say that.

• You are imaging or making things up.

• You are just insecure/jealous.

• You are acting crazy and I’m not the only person who thinks so.

• You need help. 

• You are the problem, not me.

• You are lucky you have me because I’m the only one who gets you.

What is your No. 1 phrase for shutting down gaslighting, and why do you recommend it?

“I would like to stick to the original issue that we were talking about. If you would like, we can set some time aside later to talk about what I have done to upset you.” Always deliver this in a firm, neutral tone of voice that indicates that this is not a negotiation. 

This tactic is great because it lets the person being gaslit to self-validate their feelings and experiences, and it establishes that they are willing and able to set a healthy boundary. By agreeing to discuss the concerns of the other person at another time, they are leaning into the idea that they are not perfect and might have growth work to do, which is not something that gaslighters are able to do. It gets us around the whole “you think you are so perfect?” thing. This is the kind of phrase that is helpful in limiting the escalation of a conflict. These kinds of tense situations can become a tinderbox for a full-blown argument. A neutral response like this can help keep things calm during those tense moments. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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How does postpartum depression differ from other types of depression?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question, and related questions. Here's her response:

The main difference in how we define and treat it is probably based on a question of timing.  We typically say that depression in the first year after a person has been pregnant is "postpartum depression" (PPD).  However, with that said research indicates there are probably differences in depression experienced by a birthing parent that is within the first 8 weeks postpartum and onset later in the postpartum period.  Later onset of depression may be more similar to what we call Major Depression. 

PPD is often triggered by significant hormonal changes/fluctuations (estrogen/progesterone and even thyroid changes), sleep deprivation, physical stress from childbirth, lack of social support, and the challenges of adjusting to parenthood.  If you have experiences depression or anxiety outside the perinatal time, you are at an increased risk for PPD and PPA (anxiety), which is only now getting some attention, but a very real thing that presents in my clients differently than PPD (and maybe outside the scope of this article). 

We also think things like genetics, body image, and recovery from delivery complications can cause PPD. 

Postpartum depression may include symptoms such as extreme fatigue, mood swings, irritability, feelings of guilt or inadequacy as a parent, changes in appetite, and difficulty bonding with the baby.  In PPD we typically see the fatigue and lack of energy kinds of symptoms (more what psychiatry and psychology call the negative symptoms - the things we aren't doing vs what we are).  In typical depression we tend to see more reporting of the typical "low mood" components of depression. With that more persistent sadness comes loss of interest in activities, changes in sleep patterns, changes in appetite, feelings of hopelessness, and difficulty concentrating.

Postpartum depression is more common in persons who have recently given birth and can be influenced by hormonal fluctuations and the challenges of new parenthood. 

If baby is struggling more than usual with feeding, sleeping, or has health complications we can see birthing parents struggle more with mood.  Other risk factors can include genetics or other psycho social stressors and perceived  lack of support.  Another risk factor can be income related stressors. 

Regular depression can affect individuals of any gender, age, or life stage, and it may have a genetic component.

PPD's prevalence rate is 50-85% ranging from postpartum depression all the way to the "baby blues".  This number and the above description does not reflect a condition called Postpartum psychosis. 

Postpartum depression may be treated with a combination of therapy (such as cognitive-behavioral therapy), support groups, and sometimes medication. However, medication choices may be limited for breastfeeding parents.

Regular depression can be treated with therapy, medication, or a combination of both, depending on the severity and individual preferences.

Can you discuss the psychological impact of PPD on a mother's relationship with her child?

• Bonding and attachment -  When left untreated, PPD can hinder bonding and healthy attachment due to the birthing parents limited interest in the newborn. 

• Perception of infant behavior - PPD can distort perception of the infant's behavior.  Birthing parents may misjudge or over interpret baby's signs as it can be colored by their depression or they might miss cues and signs as a result of their withdrawal. 

• Mother's judgment -  PPD can impair the birthing parent's attention to and judgment concerning safety again maybe influenced by the possibility of missing signals from the baby.  

• Breastfeeding - PPD can interfere with breastfeeding. It's a lot of work to breastfeed and depression, especially the more vegetative symptoms may interfere with doing this consistently. 

All of the above can result in impairment or limitations in the birthing parent's ability to care for their baby. 

What role does therapy play in the treatment of PPD?

Talk therapy can be very helpful.  My clients benefit from knowing what they are going through is normal and it's a safe place to talk about the things they think they would otherwise be negatively judged for even thinking (although it's usually very normal and understandable).  We also do a lot of work on getting into a good sleep routine or problem solve ways to gain social support, especially in those first few weeks and months. 

Otherwise, we apply typical Cognitive Behavioral  techniques to challenge negative automatic thoughts and create more accurate self-talk.

How do social and cultural factors influence the prevalence and treatment of PPD?

This is a very big question and is quite likely a dissertation out there about just this.  Expectations of giving birth varies widely by culture.  It can both be a risk factor or a mitigating one (it can help OR hinder). The NIH indicates that the data are really mixed.  I suspect because there are so many variables to control for in a study like this. We believe that if you are in a culture in which you perceive support after giving birth and can express emotions or worries openly, you probably find culture helpful.  If you believe you need to bear it in silence and must bond and be happy about parenthood, you might experience a greater risk for PPD. 

What are common misconceptions about PPD that you encounter in your practice?

Most commonly my clients miss reporting the 'baby blues' and can be a bit dismissive of these signs or may miss out on the chance to have a little self-compassion for the very hard and very wonderful thing they did (grow and give birth to another human).  They also tend to read to many books and try to find the "perfect" path.  Anytime you are looking for perfection you are setting yourself up.  They also tend to underestimate the value of sleep in those first few weeks.  I think they believe they can just "muscle though".

What advice would you give to family members supporting someone with PPD?

First and foremost, be proactive.  Go ahead and report signs and symptoms to your doctor right away. You don't have to take a medication or start talk therapy, but keeping a watchful eye on mood can help you get the help you need a little quicker.  

I love it when my pregnant and birthing parents come in before baby is born, we set up appointments leading up to and right after the birth.  We talk about expectations and do our best to make them realistic and achievable (like a sleep schedule). 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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How can you shutdown a gossiping friend?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

Some actionable ways to shut down the gossiping of a friend who is annoying and toxic:

Set Clear Boundaries: Clearly and respectfully communicate to your friend that you're not comfortable with talking about others when they are not present or a part of the conversation. It’s always best to use a neutral but friendly tone of voice. Be firm and stick to accurate facts rather than trying to do battle around inaccurate information. Stay away from admonishments about the evils of gossiping and focus instead on how you choose to present yourself.

Change the Subject: Whenever your friend brings up gossip, swiftly change the subject to something more positive or neutral. Redirect the conversation to topics that both of you enjoy or find interesting. This subtly communicates your disinterest in gossip without directly confronting them.

Speak Up About Values: Express your values regarding gossiping and its impact on relationships. Let your friend know that you prioritize privacy, honesty, integrity of the friendship, and kindness in your interactions with others. You could also try explaining that you wouldn’t want your friend to think that you spoke about them when they weren’t present and the best way to show this is to not talk about others when they are not around. 

Offer Supportive Listening: If your friend tends to gossip as a way of venting or seeking validation, offer to listen to them without participating in the gossip. I often tell my clients that “behaviors meet needs” and I challenge them to think about what need might the other person be trying to fulfill. If you can identify the need maybe you can meet it through means other than gossip. This will let you show empathy for their feelings and needs while gently steering the conversation away from negative talk about others. You can validate their emotions and keep the focus on them and their feelings or help them meet the need (such as feeling a sense of belongingness) in a more prosocial way. 

Lead by Example: Be a role model by refraining from gossiping yourself. Demonstrate your commitment and focus on being a good friend and keeping information to yourself that isn’t yours to share. People tend to gossip less if they know you aren’t sharing in that experience. 

Limit Interaction: In severe cases where the gossiping persists despite your efforts, consider reducing the amount of time you spend with this friend. It’s a good idea to consider protecting your own well-being by choosing friends who focus on the positive in others. 

These strategies require tact, respect, and empathy. Sharpen your assertiveness skills by being very clear on what is ok and what is not ok in your book. You may even have to take a really hard look at who you call “friend” and why they are still in your life. Having and showing integrity will require some hard decisions and looks at who you are surrounded by. Being proactive and addressing the behavior can, in the long run, potentially prevent awkwardness.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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How can I help teenagers handle friend envy?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

Navigating envy among peers is a common challenge for all of us, not just teenagers. I always think that “emotional literacy” is a great place to start with helping our kids with any emotion. Envy is the feeling we get when we see someone get or have something we’d like to have. It’s not that we begrudge them from having it, we just want it too. It helps to understand exactly what we are talking about because we can start to normalize it. I think “Envy” gets a really bad rap because it’s been associated with the Seven Deadly Sins. Once we get comfortable with what this emotion is, then we can start to be more helpful to our teens. 

1. Open and empathetic communication: Encourage your teenager to express their feelings openly and without judgment. Create a safe and non-judgmental space for them to discuss their emotions. Normalize this feeling, it’s something that we all deal with from time to time. I always try to teach people that their feelings serve a purpose and envy is no different. What is this trying to tell you about you? Maybe share how you have handled that feeling in the past (especially if it was productive for you). 

2. Teach empathy: Help your teen understand that envy is a natural emotion and that it's essential to recognize and empathize with others' feelings as well. Discuss how their peers might also experience envy at times. Maybe even ask the teen to identify some times when they have noticed this in their friends. 

3. Encourage self-reflection: Encourage your teenager to reflect on the root causes of their envy. Are there underlying insecurities or unmet needs driving these feelings? Self-awareness can help them address the core issues. This is another great time to talk about is it “envy” or is it “jealousy”, which is a bit different and this difference can help be a conversation changer. 

4. Promote gratitude: Encourage your teen to focus on the positive aspects of their lives and what they're grateful for. Practicing gratitude is about leaning into “liking” and shifting away from “wanting”. We can help teens appreciate the lower intensity, but often longer lasting emotion of liking vs the higher intensity, often shorter duration emotion of “wanting”. Building this “muscle” can be a key life skill in their happiness toolbox. 

5. Foster self-esteem and self-worth: Help your teen build their self-esteem by celebrating their strengths and accomplishments. When they feel better about themselves, they may be less prone to comparing themselves to others.

6. Set realistic expectations: Teach your teenager that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, perfection is not attainable. Explore expectations and then really talk about what is realistic in that situation. Help them learn to think critically about what is possible. 

7. Encourage goal-setting: If your teen just really wants “that thing” and you’ve talked about realistic expectations, then maybe helping them set achievable goals toward that thing might be a learning opportunity for them. This can give them a sense of purpose and focus their energy on personal growth rather than comparison.

8. Teach coping skills: Teach your teen healthy coping strategies for dealing with envy, such as deep breathing, mindfulness, or journaling. These techniques can help them manage their emotions constructively. I like to think about envy as a feeling that is similar to a craving. I know that a craving will pass; I can practice non-judgmental observation of this feeling, rather than participate in the experience in a way that I will feel more deeply pulled in. 

9. Monitor social media use: Keep an eye on your teen's social media activity and discuss how social media can contribute to feelings of envy and inadequacy. Encourage them to limit their exposure to unrealistic portrayals of others' lives online. Have frequent conversations about what they are seeing on social media and everyone needs to keep in mind that these platforms are often a stage for people to show only their best, while hiding the worst or hard. 

10. Be a role model: Model healthy behavior by showing your teen how to handle envy gracefully and with empathy towards others. It’s ok to acknowledge envy when it comes up for you, but make sure you take the time to celebrate others successes. 

11. Seek professional help if needed: If your teenager's envy is causing significant distress or negatively impacting their mental health, consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor who specializes in adolescent issues.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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What are Men's Issues and How Can Psychotherapy help?

Recently Dr. Daniel Kessler was asked that very question. Here's his response:

Seeking Strength: Men's Issues and Psychotherapy

Men are often encouraged and conditioned to present an image of stoicism and emotional resilience. Unfortunately, this can cause men to hide their emotional struggles and challenges, even (perhaps especially) from those they love the most. This often creates a barrier to seeking help for mental health concerns. This barrier may be fully realized as a thought that therapy shows weakness, or may show up as a more subtle discomfort with the idea of sharing personal thoughts and feelings. Still, psychotherapy can be a powerful tool for men to navigate life's challenges and improve their well-being. Here are three of the most frequent issues men bring to therapy:

1. Difficulty Expressing and Managing Emotions: One of the most frequent concerns women in relationships with men express is that their partners don’t share their feelings. One of the most frequent concerns that men in relationships with women express is that they have NO IDEA how to express their feelings to their partners. Perceived expectations can lead men to suppress or avoid expressing their emotions, causing conflict and isolation. 

2. Relationship Challenges: Men often face difficulties in navigating romantic relationships, friendships, or family dynamics. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore communication issues, conflict resolution strategies, and healthy relationship boundaries, leading to more fulfilling connections.

3. Stress, Anxiety, and Depression: These common mental health conditions can manifest differently in men, often presenting as anger, irritability, or substance misuse. Therapy offers a supportive environment to understand the root causes of these issues, develop coping mechanisms, and improve overall mental health.

While societal norms and expectations can discourage men from seeking help, your psychologist can provide guidance and psychotherapy can provide a valuable space to address your concerns, develop healthy coping mechanisms, enhance your relationships and help you live a more fulfilling life. Let’s normalize the conversation about men's mental health, and encourage men to seek guidance and support.

This list is not exhaustive, and many other challenges can bring men to therapy.

If you or someone you know is struggling, consider scheduling a free initial consultation to discuss the difficulties you are experiencing and treatment options. If you are in crisis or are experiencing suicidal thoughts, you can call or text 988 from anywhere in the USA.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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Gayle MacBride's Five Lifestyle Tweaks That Will Help Support People’s Journey Towards Better Wellbeing

Dr. Gayle MacBride was recently interviewed for the "Women in Wellness" series by Authority Magazine (owned by Medium.com) about her: "Five Lifestyle Tweaks That Will Help Support People’s Journey Towards Better Wellbeing."

Check it out here.

And if you just want the tips, here's a direct link to the video.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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What are creative ways to be kind and why should I do them?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

We could all use a little extra kindness in our lives. When I was young my grandmother always insisted we hold the door for the person coming through next. She’s been gone over 15 years and I’m still a door holder. This is a small kindness that doesn’t make or break a person’s day, but certainly can add a little bright spot for the recipient. Kindness is good for the person performing the act as well as the recipient. This is truly a win-win. 

How Kindness Benefits You:

Acts of kindness trigger the release of neurotransmitters like serotonin and oxytocin, which promote feelings of happiness and well-being. These feel good chemicals bond us socially and are natural mood lifters as well as stress-reducers. In the day and age when many of us take several pills each day, it’s great to find something that you can do that is good for you and doesn’t require a prescription. 

Belonging is an essential motivator for most of us. Kindness strengthens relationships and fosters a sense of connection with others. By making kindness a routine part of your life, you can build a supportive social network, which is essential for emotional resilience and overall life satisfaction. You may even start to see these acts repaid in ways to contribute to our long term health. 

Research suggests that being kind can have positive effects on physical health, including reducing inflammation and lowering blood pressure. Acts of kindness may also boost immune function (helping us more effectively fight an infection if we are exposed) and enhance overall cardiovascular health. Ultimately, we not only live longer, but healthier. 

Engaging in acts of kindness can give individuals a sense of purpose and fulfillment. By contributing positively to the lives of others, you cultivate a deeper sense of meaning and satisfaction in your own life, increasing your own sense of connection and belonging. 

Creative Ways to Be Kind:

• Write Letters of Appreciation: Take the time to write heartfelt letters or cards expressing gratitude and appreciation to friends, family members, or community members who have made a difference in your life. Handwritten notes carry a personal touch and can brighten someone's day.

• Offer Compliments: Spread positivity by offering genuine compliments to those around you. Whether it's praising someone's outfit, acknowledging their talents, or complimenting their kindness, sincere words of affirmation can lift spirits and boost confidence.

• Donate Time or Skills: Volunteer your time and skills to local organizations or community projects. Offer to teach a workshop on a topic you're passionate about, assist with gardening or maintenance tasks, volunteer at your local elementary school helping teachers or reading with the students, or provide companionship to residents at a nursing home.

• Create Care Packages: Put together care packages filled with essential items, treats, and comforting items for individuals in need. Consider making packages for unhoused individuals, military personnel serving overseas, or elderly residents in assisted living facilities. You might even coordinate the efforts with co-workers, church groups, or other community members to donate even simple items like socks or toothbrushes. 

• Perform Random Acts of Kindness: Embrace spontaneity by performing random acts of kindness throughout your day. Pay for a stranger's coffee, hold the door open for someone, or allow someone to take the spot in line ahead of you. 

• Make is Social: Encourage friends, family members, or neighbors to participate in a kindness challenge with you. Set a goal to perform a certain number of kind acts each week and share your experiences and reflections with each other.

Kindness is not about spending money or making grand gestures, it is about making the world a little nicer and kinder. It’s about putting a smile on someone’s face and letting them know that they mattered to you today. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Embracing Spring: A Season of Renewal and Resilience

As Minnesotans, we're no strangers to the challenges posed by our long, harsh winters. The cold and gray skies often weigh heavily not just on our daily routines but also on our mental well-being. Yet, as we stand on the cusp of spring, we're reminded of the incredible resilience of our landscape — and, indeed, our own. The longer days and warmer weather are not just signals of a seasonal change but also beacons of hope for those of us who experience Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) or the winter blues. This year, the arrival of spring feels particularly uplifting (maybe because it feels like it came so early). 

Step Outside and Soak in the Sunshine

Make it a priority to spend time outdoors every day. Sunlight is a natural mood booster, thanks to its ability to increase the production of serotonin in our brains. Even a brief walk during your lunch break can significantly impact your mood and energy levels.

Connect with Nature

Minnesota's landscape offers a unique backdrop for reconnecting with nature. As the snow melts and the first green shoots emerge, take the opportunity to observe the transformation. Gardening, hiking, or simply sitting in a park can help you feel grounded and present, reducing stress and promoting mental well-being.

Set New Goals

Spring is synonymous with new beginnings. Use this time of renewal to set personal goals or start new projects. Whether it's taking up a new hobby, focusing on self-improvement, or decluttering your living space, these activities can provide a sense of purpose and achievement.

Let this be a season of renewal and a catalyst for positive change in our mental health and overall well-being. Remember, it's okay to seek help if you're struggling to shake off the winter blues. Mental health professionals can provide support and strategies tailored to your needs, ensuring that you too can bloom anew this spring.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

How normal is your forgetfulness?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

It's important for all of us to be aware of our physical, mental, and brain health. These can all experience normal changes as we age. Some of us want to be especially watchful if there is a family history of dementia. While aging does bring some normative cognitive changes, there are ways to distinguish between typical age-related forgetfulness and something more concerning:

1. Frequency and severity: Occasional forgetfulness is common at any age, but if memory lapses become frequent and increase in severity, it could be a sign of a more serious issue. Repeatedly forgetting important appointments, conversations, or getting lost in familiar places may be concerning.

2. Impacts on daily life: Do your memory problems interfere with daily functioning? If someone's forgetfulness disrupts their ability to work, manage finances, maintain personal hygiene, or follow through with daily routines, it could be a cause for concern.

3. Consistency: Age-related forgetfulness tends to be sporadic and doesn't necessarily worsen over time, while normative forgetting is sporadic, but stays relatively the same level. In contrast, dementia-related memory decline is usually progressive, gradually affecting different aspects of memory and cognitive function. Normative forgetfulness may worsen with stress, but then in times with less going on it may improve again. 

4. Types of memory problems: Alzheimer's disease, the most common form of dementia, often starts with short-term memory issues, like forgetting recent events, conversations, or appointments. If someone frequently forgets names, dates, or events from their recent past, it might be a red flag.

5. Personality and behavioral changes: Dementia can lead to changes in mood, behavior, and personality. Look out for uncharacteristic mood swings, agitation, withdrawal, or loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities.

6. Difficulty with problem-solving and decision-making: Dementia can impair a person's ability to solve problems, make decisions, and plan for the future. This can be seen in things like financial mismanagement or poor judgment.

If you notice concerning signs in yourself or a loved one, consult a healthcare professional for a thorough evaluation. Early diagnosis is crucial for effective intervention and management. Sometimes people ask, if there’s no cure, why diagnose it? The simple answer is we do have interventions that can slow the progression or even help caregivers access appropriate resources. While it is possible for an earlier onset of these symptoms, the most typical time is after the age of 65 with the risk increasing as we age. Because we know this is a product of aging, most primary care providers will screen for brain health issues at your yearly visit. I’m a big advocate for this. These screening tests can be very effective, often more so than without using a standardized screening tool. 

Regarding steps to stave off dementia, there's no guaranteed prevention, but some lifestyle choices can promote brain health and potentially reduce the risk:

1. Stay mentally active: Engage in activities that challenge your brain, such as puzzles, reading, learning a new skill, or playing musical instruments. This is a key and maybe the most important recommendation, we have some data that showed individuals who evidenced markers for Alzheimer’s Disease in post-mortem examinations but didn’t show signs of dementia in their daily life. A common factor was these participants' active mental life in which they were social, actively learning on an ongoing basis. “Learn something new everyday” is what my grandmother used to tell me, now I think that’s way stronger advice than “an apple a day…”

2. Maintain a healthy diet: Consume a balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean proteins, and healthy fats. Some evidence suggests that diets like the Mediterranean diet may be beneficial for brain health.

3. Regular physical exercise: Regular physical activity has been associated with a reduced risk of dementia. 

4. Manage chronic conditions: Remember, it’s not just Alzheimer’s Dementia that causes brain health issues. Control conditions like hypertension, diabetes, and high cholesterol because these can increase the risk of dementia.

5. Social engagement: Stay socially active by maintaining strong relationships and participating in social activities. 

6. Get quality sleep: Prioritize quality sleep, including healthy sleep habits. Allow for adequate opportunity for consistent sleep. 

7. Be wise about stress: Let’s face it, stress is inevitable. It’s also not awful for you, what is not healthy is feeling out of control because of it. Manage your relationship with stress. Cutting stress out of your life vs feeling like you can handle the stress you do have is a critical difference in how stress impacts us. Techniques like meditation, yoga, or mindfulness to reduce your response to stress and seek talk therapy if you need a little help in this area.

8. Limit alcohol and avoid smoking: Excessive alcohol consumption and smoking are risk factors for dementia. Reducing or quitting these habits can have a positive impact on brain health.

Remember that genetics also play a role in your brain health. Not all cases of dementia are preventable, however, just because you have a first degree relative who had dementia, doesn’t mean you are doomed and there is plenty you can do in the meantime. Adopting a healthy lifestyle can contribute to better cognitive function and overall well-being. It could even mean that you are genetically predisposed to a disease, and with careful management, it might not express itself (meaning it might not cause impairment in your life). Regular check-ups with your healthcare provider can help you monitor your cognitive health and take appropriate action if necessary.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

What are small changes that you made, that made huge differences in your day-to-day life?

Recently Dr. Daniel Kessler was asked that very question. Here's his response:

In life, it's often the small, seemingly insignificant actions that have the most profound impact. When faced with moments of frustration, particularly with my children, I've learned to ask a simple question: "Is this behavior age-appropriate?" This mindset shift has allowed me to approach challenging situations with patience and understanding, recognizing that each stage of development brings its own set of limitations and learning opportunities. Additionally, embracing rituals such as an old-school wet shave and taking a genuine lunch break each day has provided me with moments of mindfulness and rejuvenation, ultimately enhancing my overall well-being and productivity.

“Is this behavior age appropriate?”

If I find myself getting frustrated with one of my kids, I ask, “is this behavior age appropriate?” There is no point in getting angry when a toddler throws a temper tantrum, you keep the toddler safe. We all get that. Similarly, while you might use the opportunity to teach a 4-year-old why they can’t take candy from a store or encourage a 6-year-old to put their shoes on more quickly, the preschooler doesn’t truly understand stores and money and the 6-year-old doesn’t yet grasp time. There is no sense in getting angry at behavior that is age appropriate, but this is an opportunity to teach the child at the level they can understand. This is true with teens as well. Their biological rhythms aren’t in sync with ours, so mornings are hell. We can help them to get up and help them understand the need, but anger isn’t useful.

I often start my day with an old school wet shave.

By old school, I mean a shaving brush, shaving soap and a single blade razor. Electric razors and multi-blade cartridges are faster, easier, but a single blade and shaving mug means I have to take five minutes to lather up, brush the freshly made foam on my face with a vigorous circular motion, and shave in a more measured and planful way. With a cartridge, its quick and easy. With an electric, I can even do in the car, multi-tasking while I drive. But an old school single blade means taking the time to shave, sometimes twice to get a good close shave. There is no multi-tasking or rushing this. With the smells, sounds and sensations, I find this process more mindful than most meditations or mindfulness exercises.

I take a REAL lunch break every day.

For much of my career, I worked through lunch. I’d eat at my desk while completing patient charts or make work calls during my lunchtime. I now try (but don’t always succeed) to block that time to eat and completely avoid work. If I eat at my desk, I intentionally avoid all work, using that time to read, catch up on a bit of shopping, chat with my wife or friends if they are available, take a walk when the Minnesota weather permits, plan a vacation or just do nothing meaningful. This prepares me to complete my workday more efficiently, and I seem to get done earlier most days than I did when I worked through lunch. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

How can you stop catastrophizing?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

First of all, we all do some level of catastrophic thinking. Also known as catastrophizing (sometimes I call it “awfulizing” just to make it easier to pronounce), involves imagining the worst possible outcomes in a situation and can lead to anxiety and stress; it can result in a downward spiral of anxiety and hopelessness. 

Here are some strategies to avoid catastrophic thinking and diffuse these (sometimes scary) thoughts if you find yourself already in the midst of it:

1. Awareness: Recognize when you are engaging in catastrophic thinking. Being aware of the thought patterns is the first step in addressing them. I teach my clients that this is a common pattern and ask them to watch for it, name it, and then to begin to learn how to make subtle changes in their thought patterns so they are more accurate and realistic.

2. Challenge Negative Thoughts: Ask yourself if the catastrophic thoughts are based on evidence or if they are driven by emotion and fears. Challenge these negative thoughts with logic and evidence. It can be helpful to do things like rate how likely is the bad thing to happen. Or sometimes noticing that you just told yourself “what if” which often stops us in our tracks and doesn’t get us to the most likely outcome. When we stop “what if” and get to the logical conclusion, it’s often not as scary as we thought.

3. Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques help to balance the sympathetic nervous system (fight/flight/freeze) with a response that requires that parasympathetic nervous system (rest/digest). Don’t’ try to force the feeling to go away, accept it and focus on something else. 

   • Practice mindfulness to stay present in the moment. Focus on your breathing and physical sensations.

   • Grounding techniques, like the 5-4-3-2-1 method (name five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste), can help shift your focus away from catastrophic thoughts.

4. Relaxation Techniques: Practice relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or meditation to reduce overall anxiety.

5. Accurate Self-Talk: Replace negative self-talk with realistic and accurate statements. Remind yourself of past successes and coping abilities. 

6. Problem Solving: If your catastrophic thinking is related to a specific issue, break it down into smaller, manageable steps and work on finding solutions. This can give you a sense of control.

7. Limit Information Consumption: If you find that excessive exposure to negative news or information (eg Doom Scrolling) is fueling your catastrophic thinking, consider limiting your media consumption.

8. Seek Support: Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about your thoughts and feelings. They can provide perspective and emotional support.

9. Distraction: Engage in activities that you enjoy or that require your full attention to distract yourself from catastrophic thoughts temporarily.

10. Professional Help: If catastrophic thinking becomes chronic and significantly impacts your daily life, consider seeking help from a mental health professional. They can provide therapy and strategies tailored to your specific situation.

Remember that it takes time and practice to change thought patterns, so be patient with yourself as you work on reducing catastrophic thinking. Consistently applying these strategies can help you gain better control over your thoughts and reduce anxiety.

I think the advice or skill that my clients like the best is a series of questions we rehearse that takes them through a series of logical self reflection. A favorite is often asking themselves where their information is coming from “Says who?” and it’s often here they realize it’s their “anxiety brain” and often they are able to separate themselves from the emotion for long enough to step out of the catastrophizing. My personal favorite is looking at possible vs probable. Nailing down that while something is possible it’s not likely and it forces me to be more accurate about the outcomes that are most likely.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

How Can You Avoid Being So Negative?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

Why might someone be inclined to be negative?

• Learned behavior/family of origin (FOO) – Sometimes we just grow up in families where negativity is the norm. These early life experiences shape or form how we understand the world and sometimes these patterns are fairly fixed. Although, they can be changed or addressed through self-reflection and sometimes may require therapy.

• Ongoing stress or challenges – Sometimes people develop negativity after what feels like an unending series of negative events. This kind of negativity can be a way of coping, including trying to prevent further disappointment. Sometimes people hope if they “expect disappointment” then when it happens, they won’t be disappointed. I’m not really sure that it really has every worked that way. Expecting to be hurt, really doesn’t make it hurt less and just leads us to living in that hurt even at times when we didn’t need to. This kind of mindset can lead to “Confirmation Bias”, which is essentially finding what you are looking for.

• The company you keep – We often start to act like people around us, this is “Conformity Bias”, which is when we tend to change our beliefs or behavior to fit in with others.

• Low self-esteem – People can be negative when they don’t feel good about themselves and they might want to hurt or tear down others as a coping mechanism to feel less badly about themselves.

• Manipulation – Sometimes people can espouse a negative point of view in order to convince someone else to do or believe something that they would otherwise not.

What are some risks of being too negative?

• Negative thinking can worsen anxiety and depression, for sure. That confirmation bias can deepen anxiety and depression.

• Negative thinking has been demonstrated to have an impact on our physical health, and not for the good. Literature suggests it raises blood pressure and can even weaken our immune response.

• Prolonged negativity increases the risks of someone coping with nicotine, alcohol, or abuse other substances.

• Being negative might also cause you social supports. Many people don’t want to be friends with the “Debbie Downer”. It can be too exhausting to be this person’s friend, so you might see your social circle shrink.

• Insomnia or other sleep problems might be an outcome of negative thinking, especially if you are finding yourself stuck on certain thoughts. Our brain is wired to keep us safe and it isn’t going to let us relax enough to get good sleep if it perceives a threat out there.

What is the difference between “avoiding negativity” and “toxic positivity?”

Avoiding negativity is a lot different than being positive. I always remind my clients that our goal in therapy isn’t to make them a “Pollyanna Positive” and I think this is a place where a lot of Cognitive Behavioral Therapists fail to help their clients or why treatment may not have worked for you before. Trying to “look on the bright side of life” is not any more balanced or realistic than the negative thoughts. I advocate for a much more balanced or accurate approach. Sometimes things are genuinely hard and it's ok to acknowledge this and still stay out of negativity. 

Toxic positivity leads to a denial of your own feelings and experiences. It can also lead to social isolation on the other end because people can’t live up to those impossible standards. Demanding to be positive all the time makes me wonder if that person is struggling with perfectionism which is its own battle that can cause anxiety and depression.

I once attended the funeral for my friend’s father. The eulogy by his wife was one that really stuck out to me. I didn’t know the man, but I loved how she talked about his mindset. Instead of seeing the challenges in life as “problems”, they talked about his incredible ability to frame those very events as “opportunities,” a chance to learn something new. Even if it doesn’t work out the way you’d hoped, they can never take away the experience, the learning, and resilience to try again. Both ends of the scale are problematic. A more nuanced, middle ground approach is preferable. 

What are good tips for avoiding negativity?

Gratitude always tops my list as a way to avoid negativity. If you find what you look for, then a good way to remember that the event/day/life is not all bad. Sure, there are hard moments, but there is good in life too, you just have to be intentional about looking for it. In my house we use the “High, Low, Opportunity, and Looking Forward To” conversation as a way to practice these skills as a family. This helps all of us with “mindset training”, which is a skill that helps you be more intentional about shaping your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

Mindfulness is a great skill. This is different than mediation, which many people find difficult. Instead, mindfulness keeps you focused on the moment, instead of being negative, which is likely living in the past with a regret or resentment, or in the future, which is a fear of something that hasn’t happened yet. The present moment is the only moment that really exists. 

We are influenced by the company we keep. One way to increase your positive outlook is to ditch the negative friends and be intentional about hanging out with people who have a brighter outlook. I think this also includes the media and social media we consume.

Identify the specific negative patterns you tend to fall into. We all fall into what psychologists call ‘cognitive distortions” which are irrational or unhelpful ways of thinking that often lead us to unproductive or negative results. I often remind my clients of the David Burns, MD quote “you feel the way you think.” We talk about distortions and usually people know right away which are the most common for them. Using this list helps people not only identify their negative patterns, but knowing the kind of error they have made in their thinking allows them to begin correcting it right away. 

Another way to be a bit more positive is before responding to a question or request with “no” or “that can’t be done”, ask yourself “is there a way I can get to “yes” on this?” While the immediate outcome might be the same, your attitude can start to change. For example, if you are asked if you can do something and it’s not possible to do right now, can you offer to do it at a different time? If so, then your answer can be something like, “I’d love to; while I don’t have the bandwidth right now, next week looks a little quieter.”

Practice seeing small steps as progress and usen more nuanced thinking. Instead of being negative and assuming that “nothing changes” or no progress has been made, look for even the smallest changes and be intentional about acknowledging or even celebrating those.

What are ways to avoid negativity in others?

When others a negative or you yourself are tempted to be negative, try your best to notice it early. When others are negative around you, don’t take it personally. Recently I heard the advice, “Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from” (the quote was attributed to Morgan Freeman, but this may be an error). Nonetheless, it’s a wise sentiment.

The other strategy that I use when others are being negative is to mind my own reactions, I don’t feed the negativity and I try to keep the conversation short. You can accomplish this by changing the topic or leaving the conversation.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

What are the benefits of virtual mental health services, and why are they becoming so popular?

Recently Dr. Daniel Kessler was asked those very questions. Here's his response:

Back in 2020, when the pandemic was kicking off, we therapists were uncertain where this would take us. Telehealth was a thing before 2020, but it was often limited to times when it was necessary, and not just for convenience or preference. I recall telling colleagues that I expected about a quarter of my clients would continue to prefer telehealth even after the pandemic was over. 

What I’ve discovered is that many people prefer telehealth, even in situations where they could easily come to the office. Overall, less than 1 in 5 of my current clients choose in-person visits, and the telehealth portion of my practice is booming. 

While virtual mental health services were becoming more common before 2020, the COVID-19 pandemic accelerated it dramatically. The pandemic pushed all of us to embrace the technology faster than many of us may have been comfortable had we been presented with options in 2020. In the process of providing telehealth services to clients, we found it presented a unique ability to serve clients who struggled with access for a variety of reasons, and it allowed for increased flexibility.

Ultimately, the rise in virtual mental health services can be attributed to several factors:

• Convenience: Virtual mental health services allow my clients to access therapy and counseling in locations that previously wouldn’t work. I meet with folks in work conference rooms, from their cars, or the comfort of their own homes. This convenience is particularly appealing to those with busy schedules, limited childcare mobility issues, or those who live in remote areas. I’ve seen people who otherwise would never be able to access services, who can now hand their kid an iPad for 45 minutes, or pop down to the parking lot for privacy, without missing a half day of work.

• Reduced Stigma: Some of my clients are more comfortable connecting privately, rather than going into a clinic, and some even feel safer and more comfortable discussing with me online, without having to come to an office.

• Access: online mental health services bridge the gap in mental health care access. I’ve seen clients from urban and very rural areas, as well as folks who have not therapists for many miles or might not make it due to distance, weather, or other limitations

It’s important to state that telehealth works for many situations and many people. However, there may be drawbacks to virtual mental health services:

• Lack of Personal Connection: Some clients feel more connected in the room. Others feel more connected online, where they have greater security in their environment.

• Technical Issues: This is SO MUCH BETTER in 2024 than in 2020 when we were all pushed to start telehealth. I’ve had to upgrade my internet service, but some of my clients have spotty service or limited access. This can get in the way of therapy, but with the improvements, including ease of use with any smartphone, tech issues are less common. 

• Privacy Concerns: Privacy and confidentiality have sometimes been a concern. My clients share very personal issues and worries. Sometimes we have had to take special precautions to be sure that telehealth appointments are private and not overheard. While it is important to ensure that the chosen platform for virtual therapy is secure and HIPAA compliant, in 2024 most of the video software is or can be made compliant. Then it is my role to ensure that the client is in surroundings that are private.

Are there people for whom virtual mental health is best for, and people for whom another option may be better?

While we would thing that telehealth is better for younger, more tech-savvy clients, in truth my older clients generally do pretty well. The software I use lets me send a link via email or text, and they don’t need to know much more than how to click on that link. I use a lot of educational materials in some of my work, especially with insomnia folks, and the ability to screen share has been great.

People who might not benefit from telehealth services are those who:

• Severe Mental Health Conditions: Individuals with severe or complex mental health conditions may require more intensive and in-person treatment, including hospitalization or residential care.

• Non-Verbal Communication: Some forms of therapy, such as art therapy or play therapy, heavily rely on non-verbal communication and hands-on techniques, making them better suited for in-person sessions.

• Safety Concerns: In situations where a therapist needs to assess immediate safety risks, such as the risk of self-harm or harm to others, in-person evaluations may be necessary for a more accurate assessment.

• Preferred Interaction: Some individuals simply prefer face-to-face interaction and find it more therapeutic and comforting.

• Complex Diagnoses: In cases where a detailed physical examination or medical evaluation is required to rule out underlying medical conditions, in-person assessments are typically necessary.

Can you get prescriptions such as antidepressants filled during a virtual appointment?

Regarding prescriptions, it depends on the regulations in your specific location and the policies of the healthcare provider, but in many cases a licensed prescriber can see a patient virtually and write a prescription, including for antidepressant meds.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Social media use on family vacations, is it good or bad?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

Well, actually it was two questions. First, why do some parents feel compelled to extensively document their vacations on social media, and, second, what are the benefits of staying off social media while on vacations?

Parents may feel a compulsion to document and share every aspect of their trips with kids for several reasons:

• Memory Preservation: Capturing moments through photos and videos allows parents to create lasting memories of their family trips. Sometimes this is because children are young enough not to reliably form their own lasting memories, but other times it’s simply because the parent wants evidence of the things they did. Vacations and travel are expensive, and memories (particularly of children) can be fleeting. Photobooks and online documentation can help extend memory through a digital footprint and “reminder” type features, which has become popular with social media platforms. Some clients and parent friends of mine use social platforms, but set the posts to private so they have an online photo book of sorts. 

• Connection with Loved Ones: Sharing updates on social media helps parents stay connected with friends and family who might not be present on the trip. Particularly with the increased distance between extended families; it’s a way to include relatives who are distant or unable to join in.

• Recommendations and Tips: Posting about their experiences can also serve as recommendations and tips for others planning similar trips. Word of mouth is a powerful marketing tool. Also, sharing photos and memories can a way to inspire others, or perhaps include items on an itinerary that wouldn’t have otherwise been on their radar.

• Validation and Social Recognition: Social media can provide validation and recognition in the form of likes, comments, and shares, which can be satisfying for parents. The dopamine hit from likes/shares/etc is a very real thing. While that external validation might not be the healthiest reason for sharing, it is a very real reason people do it.

Social Media gives us a feeling of social connection and community. These are fundamentally important feelings to us as humans. These platforms really do feel like they fulfill some of those needs. 

Documenting life on social media can have some problems:

• Privacy/Security Concerns: Sharing personal information and locations can compromise privacy and security. It also reveals when your house is unattended and potentially for how long it will remain empty. 

• Distraction: Constantly documenting experiences can detract from being fully present in the moment. Framing the perfect photo, writing a witty caption or executing the perfect panoramic photo, or videoing an experience all take time and attention away from the actual experience and the people you’re with. It is one additional distraction that draws you away from the moment being shared with your fellow travelers and may be even intrusive to those traveling around you. 

• Comparison and Pressure: Seeing other people's curated experiences can lead to feelings of inadequacy or the pressure to keep up. One-upmanship wasn’t invented by social media, but it certainly feeds the desire to share and can lead to feelings of inadequacy and perhaps lead to overspending to achieve the perfect experience that will measure up. It’s a real struggle to keep in mind that someone’s trip photos don’t usually include the lousy meal at the greasy restaurant that you went to at 10 pm after a long day of travel and the kids melting down because they were tired. 

• Oversharing: Oversharing can make children uncomfortable and invade their privacy. Many children have not experienced a world where social media didn’t exist. Their whole lives are online. This is particularly a problem as children gain awareness of their autonomy and have to struggle with parents to establish boundaries about where and when their images will be shared. Younger children have no voice to indicate whether they want their images or likeness to be captured and shared on social media, and those images and videos can live on long after they were taken—leaving the children to struggle with removing unwanted images, videos, or memories.

Benefits of not using social media while traveling with kids include:

• Quality Time: Parents can fully engage with their children without the distraction of social media.

• Privacy and Safety: Protecting their family's privacy and security.

• Less Pressure: Avoiding the pressure to showcase a perfect trip.

• Authenticity: Experiencing the trip more authentically without the filter of social media.

To a parent struggling to let go of social media during a "social media-free" trip, I would suggest the following:

• Set Clear Boundaries: Decide on specific times or situations when it's okay to use social media, and stick to those boundaries. Ask your children if you can share their images/videos/likeness, and negotiate what they are comfortable with you sharing. If the image includes them, consider giving them veto power over stories and images. Also consider keeping their names off the posts to help preserve their anonymity. Ask commenters to do the same. 

• Focus on the Moment: Remind yourself that the most important thing is the quality time spent with your children, not the number of likes or comments. Not starting is a great way to maintain a social media free vacay. Once one photo goes up, we tend to start responding to the ding of the device that shows the “likes” count. This is based on a very strong form of reinforcement that gives us that dopamine hit and be harder to walk away from. 

• Use Offline Methods: Consider using traditional methods like photo albums or journals to document your trip for personal use.

• Use private methods, there are a number of ways to use digital online photo albums that are private and still allow you to share photos. You can make a private album on Facebook or share via products like Google Albums. 

• Make the “rule” apply to everyone. Social media free won’t work if it is ok for some people and not for others. This should be talked about and agreed upon before you leave for the trip. 

• Share Later: If you still want to share your trip with others, you can do so after the trip ends. This allows you to be present in the moment while still sharing your experiences.

Ultimately, it's essential for parents to strike a balance between documenting their trips and being fully present with their children to create meaningful memories.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

What is "drytripping" and what's the benefit of it?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

"Drytripping," quite simply, is intentionally making the choice to not consume alcohol while on vacation.

On "vacy" we can tend to over indulge and abstaining from alcohol can be beneficial because we tend to remember things more clearly and we don't experience the lapses in judgement that can occur when alcohol is on board. In the long run you will recall more of your vacation experiences, making it more meaningful in the long run. It might also mean that we make safe decisions while we are active on vacation if we are doing those things without alcohol.

Alcohol can have negative effects on your health, and abstaining from it can lead to a healthier vacation experience. You may have more energy, better sleep, and feel physically better throughout your trip. For example, alcohol can be very dehydrating and this impact is intensified if we are consuming alcohol in warm climates. Also, alcohol can have a detrimental impact on your sleep. Consuming alcohol and combining it with Jet Lag can be a bad idea. 

You may engage more with local culture, food, and activities when you're not under the influence of alcohol. Being sober allows you to immerse yourself in the destination's unique offerings.

Alcoholic beverages can be expensive, and by abstaining, you can save money that you can use for other experiences, souvenirs, or even future trips. 

Avoiding alcohol can help ensure your safety and the safety of those around you, especially if you're engaging in activities like driving, water sports, or hiking. Driving in areas you don't know well, often after dark is compromised with even a little alcohol consumption, and often people are not stopping at their usual limit. In vacation towns the criminal element may take advantage of those who are passing through town. Tourists can be at risk of having something added to their drink, making them easier targets for crime. 

By remaining alcohol free ensures you do miss an excursion planned for the next day. All too often people book activities, but then due to being over served the night before, they miss or at very least, don't enjoy the next day's activities due to the impact of the hangover. 

The benefits of sobriety on the trip are outlined above and the opportunity to drink very lightly on vacation will allow the traveler to enjoy local alcohol that might be a specialty of the area. This can be an added positive cultural and culinary experience of the trip. Also, having a drink or two may add the "social lubricant" to activities or interactions, but not have the significantly detrimental impacts of over-consumption. 

Drinking lightly on a trip can enhance the "vacation vibe" that really helps set the tone of being carefree and away from your stressors (vs using alcohol as the stress reliever itself). 

By not consuming alcohol, you can remain more present and mindful throughout your vacation. This heightened awareness allows you to appreciate your surroundings and experiences more deeply.

Abstaining from alcohol can lead to improved physical and mental health during your vacation. You may have more energy, better sleep, and an overall sense of well-being. This may actually give you the rest you are seeking on vacation instead of the feeling that you need a vacation after your vacation.

Without the impairments associated with alcohol consumption, you are likely to remember more of your vacation experiences, instead of looking at photos and asking yourself, "when did I do that?"

Alcoholic beverages can be expensive, especially in tourist areas. By not drinking, you can save money to spend on other experiences, activities, or souvenirs.

Being sober can allow you to be more aware of what is going on around you in the local culture. When you are more connected to where you are, you may see things that you'd otherwise miss if you are just looking for the next bar.

Abstaining from alcohol can lead to more meaningful connections with your travel companions. You can have deeper conversations and shared experiences without the influence of alcohol. Conversations with alcohol may seem "deeper", but often they are in the context or feeling a bit disinhibited by the alcohol.

If you are not drinking on vacation you may find yourself doing other things that keep you away from the bar areas at times when crime may occur. So the biggest opportunity here is continued safety. 

If you are focused on a sober trip, then you may be looking for activities that enhance this like yoga, meditation, mindfulness, nature hikes, or spa treatments that promote relaxation and self-care. It may also push you to look for other new experiences like foods you haven't tried or other interesting cultural activities that can take you out of your comfort zone or give you a bit of a thrill (sports or excursions) 

Maybe you are someone who likes a challenge and you want to do something that your friends haven't tried yet. Try sobriety as a personal challenge that can lead to growth and self-discovery, testing your self-control and discipline.

Finally, setting an example, if you are traveling with family or friends, your decision to abstain from alcohol can set a positive example for others and encourage responsible drinking. 

If you're trying this for the first time, here are some suggestions to help:

• Choose the right destination: Opt for a destination that aligns with your interests and activities you enjoy, whether it's hiking, exploring cultural landmarks, or relaxing on a beach. Having a clear purpose for your trip can help you stay focused on your sober goals.

• Plan ahead: Research and plan your itinerary in advance. Look for activities, attractions, and experiences that don't revolve around alcohol. This will help you stay engaged and excited about your trip. Maybe even make a back up plan if your travel companions don't honor your request/decision for a dry vacation. 

• Introspect before you leave: Drinking can be enjoyable in its own right, but really thinking about the role/purpose/function alcohol is serving during your vacation can help you be clear about the "why". If you are drinking to unwind, try doing that activity with the alcohol. Being clear on the "why" can help clarify the "why not". 

• Communicate with travel companions: If you're traveling with others, let them know about your decision to take a sober vacation. Discuss your expectations so they can support your choices and plan activities that everyone can enjoy.

• Seek out sober-friendly accommodations: Look for hotels, resorts, or vacation rentals that offer amenities and activities suitable for non-drinkers. Some places may offer wellness programs, yoga classes, or other alternatives to traditional bar scenes. You might even book a private rental property instead of a commercial hotel just as a way to not have to pass by the hotel bar. 

• Find sober communities: Research local support groups or online communities for travelers who prefer to stay sober. These communities can provide valuable information, recommendations, and a sense of camaraderie during your trip.

• Plan non-alcoholic alternatives: Explore local cuisine, try exotic non-alcoholic beverages, or indulge in gourmet food experiences. Part of planning will be to know what alternatives might be available to you or even take something with you (maybe a water additive or the like) or to buy this kind of thing when you get to town. 

• Stay active: Incorporate physical activities into your itinerary, such as hiking, biking, or water sports. Active pursuits not only keep you engaged but also boost your mood and energy levels.

• Keep a journal: Document your sober travel experiences in a journal or blog. Reflecting on your journey can help you gain insights and appreciate the positive aspects of your trip.

• Stay hydrated: Especially in warm or tropical destinations, it's essential to drink plenty of water to stay hydrated. Carry a reusable water bottle with you as a reminder. Also, be wary of salty snacks in tourist areas. They are likely inducing thirst and may take advantage if you don't have that water bottle or hydrating drink readily available. 

• Have a plan for handling triggers: Identify potential triggers to deviate from your plan that might tempt you to drink and have a plan for dealing with them. Whether it's stress, social pressure, or boredom. Planning ahead tends to increase successful outcomes.  

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Menopause and body image issues, how do you navigate that?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

It is absolutely common for women to experience changes that coincide with just before, during, and after menopause.  During this time of life women experience changes in their hormones and tend to struggle with maintaining a weight that they are happy with or that they found easier to maintain in their younger years (because as estrogen decreases there is a slowing of metabolism).  This often leads women to feeling dissatisfied. 

Most commonly women experiences weight gain, difficulty losing that weight, they can have further changes in breast tissue that leads them to sag (being less dense and more fatty when the milk system shuts down), collagen in the skin is more readily lost leading to jowls, slack skin and wrinkles. During this time some women find that their hair will go grey more quickly.  They will sometimes grow hair in places they don't wish to have it. 

Internally, they are experiencing vaginal dryness and low libido.  They also have osteoporosis (bone density changes) and changes in the elasticity of ligaments (collagen again) which can lead to injuries. Simple activities now can cause lasting pain or limitations. 

What can we do about it? Well, control what you can.  Stop smoking, if you were a smoker, continue being as active as you are able, eat well, and consult with your doctor about any medications that might help control others issues that arise as you age. 

Figure out and be specific about what is bugging you about your body now.  Identify the triggers and possibly minimize your exposure to these. If you struggle with seeing your full body in a mirror consider one that just allows you to see the top half or don't place the mirror where you will be standing unclothed. 

Choose clothing that flatters your shape and allows you to feel comfortable.  Spend that money on a few outfits that make you great instead of many outfits that are fad driven and don't fit well. 

Be thoughtful about the social and print media you are exposed to.  You may want to unsubscribe, unfollow, unlike some media that feeds you unhealthy body image messages and be intentional about seeing ones that are supportive of the menopausal body. 

Target and reframe negative thoughts about your body. I think talking to yourself in ways that you would expect a friend to is a good rule to follow.  If a friend spoke to you the way you are talking to you and you think, "I wouldn't be friends with that person", then stop talking to yourself that way. 

Be thoughtful and realistic about the goals that you set for yourself.

Stay active doing something you enjoy.

If you are still interested in an active sex life at this time in your life, make sure you are talking with your doctor about the variety of lubricant options that are best for you. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

What are some tips to maintain work / life balance?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

Whenever we can be employed in a setting where we get to live consistent with our core values it helps a great deal with satisfaction. It helps us feel a sense of purpose in the work that we do.  It helps connect to "intrinsic motivation" which is when we feel an internal connection or reason for doing something. If our work is aligned with values, we are likely working with others that feel the same and that can improve co-worker relationships. When our work aligns with values we are likely more engaged and motivated to accomplish the mission, directives, or tasks. We may also be more motivated to stay in that field of work. It may also allow you to continue to make decisions that are consistent with your values and goals. 

Aligning your work with your values may help with work-life balance because this alignment (more than balance) can allow work and personal life to be a bit more fluid and one compliments or supports the other. If you are working in a position that feels aligned you are also less likely to feel the bunout that can come from being dissatisfied. When a conflict arises you are likely better equipped and motivated to resolve that conflict because of your value system. 

How do you align values with work? 

1. Seems obvious, but know your values.  This actually can be tricky and might take some time. You might need to do some reading, listening to podcasts, or even some therapy to figure this out. This sounds simple, but it can be a bit tricky.

2. Reflection - Identify what isn't working or doesn't feel aligned in your current situation. Identify gaps and opportunities. What are the company's values?

3. Be intentional about what is in your control and what isn't when you make your next career steps or decisions. Can you have an influence on company culture or the value system? Talk with your boss, find allies at work, choose your battles, do your homework - be articulate about data and how it supports what you are suggesting, and look for common ground. 

4. Be ready to find a new opportunity

5. Make changes, and review progress

6. Don't expect big changes overnight.

7. Be ready to set healthy boundaries (what's ok and what's not ok) and act with integrity (Doing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy) (adapted from Brene Brown)  

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Reasons to Unfollow Your Former Significant Other on Instagram

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

Why is it a good idea to consider whether or not to follow an ex on Instagram?

• Friendship: Some people are able to break up and remain truly friends. If you have an amicable relationship with an ex you might consider continuing to follow them on social media to help stay connected and keep up with each other's lives (see also co-parenting). 

• Mutual friends: If you share mutual friends with your ex, following them on Instagram may help you stay in the loop about social events or gatherings involving those friends.

• Closure: For some individuals, following their ex on Instagram can provide a sense of closure or help them move on from the past relationship. For good or bad, it can help remind us why we broke up in the first place. Seeing their ex’s life from that kind of distance can help make you feel a bit more in control of fluctuating emotions. 

• Curiosity: Human curiosity is natural, and people may want to know what their ex is up to or how they are doing post-breakup. Following them on social media can satisfy this curiosity. Be thoughtful about this because satisfying this comes at a cost of the “rubbernecking” or continued “heartbreak” when you see what your ex is up to. 

• Co-parenting or shared responsibilities: In cases where ex-partners share children or other responsibilities, following each other on social media can be practical for coordination and communication.

It’s rare that anything is all good or bad. There are some reasons that following an ex on IG is reasonable or even beneficial, but overall we have a somewhat negative reaction to it because it is fraught with problems. Most breakups are hard on us emotionally. Many of them involve the feeling of heartbreak for at least one person in the partnership. Heartbreak is a very real and physically painful experience. More recent science has shown that the feeling of a broken heart can result in the kind of bodily stress that heart does actually undergo changes and responds to the stress. This stress can be triggered by seeing images of the loved person. This is why we would tear up or burn old photos of our exs. Now with social media, it’s harder to do this, what’s more their image may pop into your feed when you don’t expect it. What’s more, we can forget that social media is curated and doesn’t really represent the truth of someone’s life. We can fall prey to a skewed representation of what they are up to and how they are doing. 

Seeing what your ex is up to, with people you used to hangout with (or vice versa allowing them to still passively see what you are up to and who you are with) may trigger significant jealousy and bring on additional hurt or worse, drama. Consider what boundaries you have in place to manage your own emotional well-being and what your ex may need in order to manage theirs. 

Even when the breakup was friendly and all involved have found a healthy way to stay involved, now we have to consider the new partner. A future partner may feel uncomfortable with that arrangement and believe that your continued involvement with this ex is a signal that you still have feelings for that person. Co-parenting younger children might be a good exception to this because it can often be helpful for younger kids to see their parents still getting along and staying connected on social media can be a way to show them this. 

When is it a good idea to not follow your ex on Instagram?

1. Managing your emotions: Staying off your ex’s IG account can help you manage uncomfortable emotions like jealousy, sadness, and resentment. Seeing what they are up to and with whom can be hurtful and even lead to unhelpful comparisons to how they were with you. This can lead to questioning worth and self-esteem. 

2. Closure: Getting a little (or a lot) of distance between you and your ex can be an important part of forgiving and moving on in your own life. Staying connected on social media makes that more difficult. 

3. Boundaries: Prentis Hemphill says, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” Keeping healthy boundaries allows you to move forward in your life and gives your ex the space to do the same. Priya Parker in her book The Art of the Gathering talks about not inviting someone to a party or gathering as a benevolent act because this means they don’t need to experience the stress of saying “no” or coming and not having a good time. Sometimes we need to consider not inviting someone to have access to outlives for those same reasons. 

4. Part of the picture: If you follow your ex on IG you are likely only getting a small snapshot of what is really going on with them. This small window into their lives leads to big opportunities to misunderstand and misinterpret what they think or how they are doing since being with you. 

5. New Relationships: Following an ex on IG can be a “bad look” in a new relationship. It sends the message that you may still have feelings for the ex or really haven’t moved on from that relationship. 

6. Comparison: Brene Brown talks about comparison as “be like everyone else, but better” and when you follow an ex on Instagram you can fall prey to comparing yourself to the people your ex is hanging out with now and worrying that you come up short. This can have real consequences for your self-esteem. 

7. Privacy: Let’s face it we don’t need our ex’s to know what we are up to since the breakup. Maintaining your own privacy as well as giving them the privacy to move on is important for both of you. 

If possible, it’s a good idea at the time of the break up to discuss and agree to unfollow each other. It’s always best to have respectful, caring, transparent conversation up front. This is not always possible, however, so in those cases, when you believe it is safe to do so, just unfollow the person. In today’s culture, it’s become relatively common to unfriend or unfollow people on social media. If you believe this is going to “blow up” and cause more of a problem, then Instagram give you a number of other options including muting the other person, you can set restrictions, and you can make a point of not interacting with their posts and stories and often the algorithm will respond by feeding your fewer of their posts and stories.

Much of the above advice does not apply to situations of abuse or domestic violence. In some situations, it is appropriate to involve law enforcement or an advocate that can help you in situations of interpersonal violence.

 Let’s face it, sometimes the general rule is ok to break. It can be appropriate to continue to follow your ex on Instagram if:

1. You have truly parted as friends or enough time has passed and a friendship makes sense again. Afterall, you shared some good times and personal history. Sometimes it makes sense to be connected on social media. It might even give you the opportunity to be a support to them if they are having a hard time with some other personal challenges. 

2. You are co-parenting. If you are raising a child or children together, being connected on social media may make good sense, especially as a passive way to share photos and updates. It can be helpful to see those things, but not have to communicate directly to receive those kinds of updates. 

3. You are still working or going to school together. Lots of relationships start due to proximity and it might be that even after the breakup your paths cross frequently. It might be ok to continue following your ex if they are an integral part of your work or school community. Your ex might even be a good network connection for you if you share career interests. 

4. Social or cultural commonalities. Again, proximity is often a determining factor in starting a new relationship and it might be the reason that you want to have a continued relationship over social media. Sometimes social and cultural communities are small and staying connected to someone that shares those same interests, friends in common, activities, or events is not a bad idea, or can even be good for your personal growth.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

How Can You Become More Charismatic?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

Why might people want to become more charismatic?

Social Influence: Charisma helps individuals influence, inspire, and connect with others effectively. Being connected socially is one of the most important parts of our humanness. Being a part of a group, tribe, or clan has always been essential to our survival. I think we are wired to desire social connections; yes, even if you are an introvert. Those connections are just fewer in number and the duration of connected time may be less.

Career Advancement: Charismatic people often find it easier to network, build rapport, and advance in their careers. Watching a charismatic person advance and know that it’s their personality that is providing them those opportunities, it’s natural to want that for yourself too.

Confidence and Personal Growth: Developing charisma boosts self-confidence and encourages personal growth. People with charisma are intentional about their communication skills, develop emotional intelligence, and use that emotional attentiveness to connect with empathy. This can lead to greater compassion for self and others.

Likability and Relationships: Charismatic individuals are generally well-liked and may be perceived as having more satisfying personal relationships. Although, it should be noted that this is when this quality is used in positive ways.

Leadership and Motivation: Charisma is valuable for inspiring and leading others, both personally and professionally. People who are reported to be charismatic have the ability to lead large groups of people and use their position to influence their “followers” choices. We see this kind of leadership in business, politics, religion, arts, media, and even in some therapists. Caution should be used when you have that kind of attention and audience. 

What is charisma?

Charisma is not something that we have the ability to measure, yet lay people tend to agree on it when they see or experience it. It is what we might call a construct - an idea of theory that is subjective. People who have this quality are described as having a likability, they are described as charming, and people feel pulled to be around that individual. We find ourselves wanting more. 

What makes someone charismatic?

Charismatic people possess confidence. They believe in themselves and others can see this confidence. This confidence is not arrogance, it is well-earned and accurate positive self-image. 

They are effective communicators; able to express themselves clearly and engage in active listening. They are engaged with their audience. 

Often these are people that pull people’s attention to them just by their physical presence. They possess an appearance, body language or manner of speaking that draws people in. 

Charismatic people are genuine and people can see and respond to that. They are confident enough to say “I don’t know”, they can share their interpersonal power with others and can connect emotionally with those around them. 

These are people who we often describe as “good storytellers”. We want to hear what they have to say, even if we have heard the story before, we want them to tell it again. 

What are ways to improve charisma, and why do you recommend them?

1. Self-confidence: build your self-confidence by practicing self-affirmation. Don’t hesitate to say to yourself “good job” or to think to yourself, “wow, I’m proud of how that turned out”. Make this part of your daily self-talk. Remember that we can’t be good at all things and we can’t get good at things until we endure the risk of failure.

2. Self-esteem: yes, this is different from self-confidence. Esteem is a more general assessment of yourself as a person. To develop this you need to be able to see past your own flaws (we all have them) and to know that it’s ok to have these flaws. You need to be able to know that “failures” are not people, but events. Thinking more objectively about yourself and the events in your life can help you develop more positive self esteem. 

3. Engage others: Listen carefully when others are talking. Never ask a question that you don’t have the time to listen to. A simple “how are you today?” is an opportunity to really listen and engage. Show genuine interest in others. You might surprise people if you really listen to their answer. Most of us ask and answer this question without a lot of thought. Next time, ask and really listen to the answer, maybe even ask an open-ended follow up question. 

4. Nonverbal communication: make eye contact when you are listening as well as speaking to others. Use your body language to tell the other person that they are the most important thing to you right now. Leaning your body in a little toward the other person communicates that you are fully engaged. 

5. Use the other person’s name: We tend to enjoy hearing our name spoken. It’s a great way to feel seen and heard by another person. It’s an acknowledgement of our presence and importance. It’s a simple thing, but write down the name of the service rep on the phone or ask the name of the wait staff at a restaurant (if they aren’t wearing a name tag). It’s a simple thing you can do to show people they are valued by you. 

6. Be real: Authenticity brings connection. Make an effort to share your experiences, both good and bad. Being relatable is important to being likable. This can be a good time to share something humorous about yourself. Don’t go all in on an embarrassing story that is too revealing, but just enough to make you human and create a safe space for others to do the same. 

7. Be empathic: Empathy is true connection with another person, it’s the moment when you can really relate to someone, even if your experiences aren’t exactly the same. You don’t have to tell them this story, you can just think it. As you are imagining the parallels in the two stories, you will be able to access the associated emotions. Attuning to emotions is the key to genuine empathy. 

8. Find opportunities: Where others see challenges and problems that have to be dealt with you find an opportunity. This is an important part of mindset training. If you train yourself to see opportunities, you will experience the associated stress as “eustress” (the good kind of stress), instead of distress. Eustress can even be described as “excitement”.

9. Bring others along: We all want to belong. Use your position to include others, this is sometimes called “power with/power to”. We can share the power we hold with others or we can view it as a finite resource. If it is limited, then we want/need to hoard it and we get a “power over” model. People are more responsive to the shared model, where we can empower them through our words and actions. We all want to belong and including others in an opportunity can make you seem more charismatic. 

Is there a such thing as being too charismatic? 

I’m not sure if there is a thing of being too charismatic, but it can definitely be manipulated and used to hurt people. The far end of that spectrum are individuals who might be described a psychopathic. These are individuals that often present themselves in a good light, but they tend to lack true empathy. They might be able to fake empathy and make others believe they have it, but it’s usually very shallow. These individuals then use their engaging natures to draw people in for their own personal gain. When they have gotten what they want, they discard the relationship and move on. The difficulty with individuals like this is they often go under our social radar until they have left your presence and then you might have this little feeling of being “worked” or manipulated. Often you don’t notice it at the moment. 

Are there risks associated with being too charismatic?

The biggest risk of being taken in by someone who is too charismatic is that you might be manipulated into decisions that you might not otherwise make. History is full of leaders that have convinced people to do things they wouldn't have otherwise done. 

Apart from the absolute dark side of this trait, if you are perceived as trying too hard, you run the risk of looking insincere or even narcissistic. Although, frankly when narcissism is a part of the picture, then you are likely missing the true self-esteem and self-confident piece of charisma. Narcissists are usually tooting their own horn so loud to convince others to do it as well.

If you are following someone who is very charismatic you might succumb to “groupthink” because you might hesitate to bring up a differing point of view for fear that their attention and inclusion of you would wane. Group-think happens in an environment where dissent isn’t heard or welcomed and a group’s decision making is compromised because it isn’t taking in all the information. 

Very charismatic people may struggle to live up to the expectations that others place on them. Others may over rely on them for validation and this can lead to unhealthy dependency or even burnout. 

What are some books, podcasts, or recommendations in general for people trying to improve their charisma?

• The book, The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism by Olivia Fox Cabane

• If you are feeling brave, try a comedy improv class. It can be a great way to come out of your shell, will teach you active listening skills, as well as the “power of the ‘yes, and’”. 

• Some of my clients have reported good success with Toastmasters as a place to learn the kinds of skills they needed to feel and be more charismatic. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Celebrate Love!

February, the month of love, is almost upon us, and the air is filled with the scent of roses and the anticipation of romantic gestures. While Valentine's Day traditionally focuses on expressing love to others, it's time we think a little about another kind of love – self-love. Let’s take a minute and be intentional self-positivity. By the way this is not “selfish”, it's the foundation on which all other forms of love are built. When you learn to love and accept yourself, you create your own happiness and self-confidence that positively influences your interactions with others and allows you to be a role model for the young ones in your life.

Here are some strategies to help you cultivate self-love this February:

1. Embrace Self-Care

Begin by scheduling self-care activities that make you feel good. Whether it's a spa day, a quiet evening with a good book, or a leisurely stroll in nature, make the time to prioritize you.

2. Practice Positive Self-Talk

We all have areas that we can improve and it’s sometimes easy to focus on those, but when was the last time you were intentional at noticing what you do well? We tell parents to catch their kids being “good”. When was the last time that you did this for yourself? Focus on your strengths, accomplishments, and unique qualities that make you special. Treat yourself with the kindness and compassion you would offer to a dear friend.

3. Set Boundaries

Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is an act of self-love. Learning to say "no" when necessary protects your emotional well-being and helps you find a healthy balance in your relationships.

4. Celebrate Achievements

Don't underestimate the power of acknowledging your achievements, no matter how small they may seem. Each step forward is a victory worth celebrating. Recognize your growth and progress.  Remember, sometimes just getting through something is the achievement.

5. Surround Yourself with Positivity

Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you. Distance yourself from toxic relationships that drain your energy.

Celebrate you this Valentine’s Day and when you do you will likely find that you have more to give to those you love in your life. Share this message and encourage others to do the same. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

Make an appointment, or schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

What are some phrases you can use to disagree without causing conflict?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here's a link to that article.

And, here's her longer response:

Learning how to politely disagree is important for healthy relationships and positive self-esteem.  Being able to communicate effectively contributes to healthy relationships, constructive problem-solving and positive self-worth. Here are some key reasons why it's important:

1.     Promotes open dialogue: Polite disagreement encourages people to share their diverse perspectives and ideas. This openness fosters a more inclusive exchange of thoughts and opinions. If one person is withholding their ideas or opinions it teaches them and others that their perspectives don’t matter, sometimes leading them to be treated like a “doormat”. Sharing ideas, even when they are not in 100% alignment is a way to be more honest and authentic. It can be disingenuous to not share your thoughts and opinions.

2.     Facilitates understanding: When you express your disagreement politely, you create an environment where others are more likely to listen and understand your point of view. It may also encourage others to feel brave enough to share when they disagree. This can lead to greater mutual understanding and empathy on all sides.

3.     Strengthens relationships: Disagreements are a natural part of any relationship, whether personal or professional. Handling disagreements politely helps prevent conflicts from escalating and can preserve or strengthen relationships over time and helps to establish boundaries which are necessary in any relationship.

4.     Encourages critical thinking and personal growth: Polite disagreement encourages individuals to think critically about their own beliefs and ideas. It challenges them to refine their arguments and consider alternative viewpoints.  We gain creditability when we listen to others and even allow for the aspects in which they may be correct. We may even find an opportunity to broaden or even change our own views as a result of self-reflection and awareness.

5.     Supports problem-solving: Disagreements often arise when tackling complex issues or making decisions. Polite disagreement allows for a more effective exploration of potential solutions and compromises.  JFK famously surrounded himself with people who held a variety of opinions and would disagree with him after the debacle of the Bay of Pigs.  We can fall into “group think” which is a dangerous pattern in which groups of people who are like minded will tend to agree with each other, and even drift to a somewhat more extreme of that particular view or opinion (for example, being mildly or moderately “for” something can move to even more extreme support as a result of group think).

6.     Reduces conflict escalation: When disagreements are handled respectfully, they are less likely to escalate into heated arguments or disputes, leading to a more peaceful and productive environment.  Handling disputes early on and with respect can also help people avoid the resentments that can build and contribute to other tactics we can see in unfair fighting.

7.     Encourages constructive feedback: Polite disagreement often involves providing feedback, which can be valuable for personal and professional growth. Keeping conversations polite allows for constructive feedback, which can actually promote personal growth.

8.     Builds trust: When people know they can disagree with you without fear of aggression or hostility. They also know that you say what you mean and that they can count on you when you say positive things; they know that you mean them.

RISKS

Pretending to agree with someone when you don’t mean it can have some serious negative consequences.  There may be times when it's appropriate to avoid conflict by not expressing your disagreement with someone, consistently pretending to agree with someone is detrimental to you, them, and your relationships.

1.     Suppression of your true feelings: Continuously pretending to agree can lead to the suppression of your genuine thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. This pattern can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, and even stress as you stifle your authentic self. This can lead to some serious self-esteem and worth concerns for the person who isn’t making their ideas and needs known.

2.     Lack of personal growth: When you always agree with others, you may miss opportunities for personal growth and self-discovery. Constructive disagreements can lead to self-reflection, improved understanding of your own values, and the chance to refine your beliefs. You get a chance to ask yourself “what do I really think about this issue?”

3.     Weakened relationships: Pretending to agree can erode trust in a relationship over time. If others discover that you have not been honest about your true feelings or opinions, they may feel deceived or manipulated, leading to a breakdown in trust. I love Brene Brown’s work on Trust – it’s such a small word but is quite complex.  It has seven elements https://brenebrown.com/resources/the-braving-inventory/ many of these are violated if we are not honest with ourselves and others.

4.     Ineffective problem-solving: When you always agree with others, you may miss the chance to identify and address potential issues or problems. Constructive disagreements can lead to more effective and sometimes creative problem-solving and decision-making.

5.     Lack of respect for your boundaries: Consistently pretending to agree can make others assume that you will always comply with their wishes or opinions, potentially leading to a lack of respect for your boundaries and preferences.

6.     Difficulty in asserting yourself: Over time, pretending to agree may make it more challenging to assert yourself when you genuinely need to express your disagreement or stand up for your beliefs. Asserting your position and using your own voice is like a muscle and it needs to be “exercised” for it to feel familiar and comfortable to use when you really need it.

8 PHRASES:

1.     “I would like to respectfully disagree….”

Why: This phrase allows the speaker to alert the listener that the speaker has a different opinion and plans to offer that in a way that is respectful.  I think alerting the other person that this difference of opinion is coming, helps them to hear it more thoroughly

2.     “That is interesting, I’d offer my opinion…”

Why: This reminds the speaker and listener that what was just presented has merit and perhaps the disagreement is coming because the topic is engaging and maybe we are up for further conversion.  It can also remind us to slow down when feeling the pull of disagreement.  Slowing down our response can help us grow and see the merit in the other side of the argument.

3.     “Thanks for sharing that information, my take is…”

Why: I believe that “thank you” is always appreciated, but it has to be genuine.  This response can signal to the listener that maybe you hadn’t thoroughly understood the issue or thought about their perspective.  That said, just because they have offered a new take, doesn’t mean your opinion will change.

4.     “I can see your perspective, and I’d like to add…”

Why: I love the power of “and” it is additive.  “I can see your perspective but…” takes away from what the other person is saying.  The “and” in this case tells your listener you want to contribute to what they are saying.  You are more likely to mitigate defensiveness with this kind of response.

5.     “I can hear that, and I feel differently….”

Why: “I understand” or “I get it” are over used and not appreciated by the listener.  In large part because often it’s not true.  Often the other person doesn’t “get it”, not at least to the satisfaction of the speaker.  “I can hear that” doesn’t assume a level of understanding that really isn’t there to begin with.

6.     “Are you up for hearing an alternative?”

Why: This is about boundaries.  We often violate the boundaries of others without even realizing it. Asking the other person if you are ready to hear another perspective gives them a chance to consent to that part of the conversation or to say “No, I think that might be too upsetting”.  At very least they can walk away knowing that you think differently about the topic. 

7.     “I have a different viewpoint that I’d like to share…”

Why: I think this phrase is good for much the same reasons as above.  This version is a bit softer and less of a direct request for consent, but it no less signals to the other person that you have unique thoughts on the matter.

8.     “That’s really cool, and what role does XYZ play in that?”

Why: This phrase is a great way to show curiosity for what the other person just said.  Active listening keeps you engaged and tends to keep defensiveness at bay.  Asking this kind of open ended question can help the other person provide an explanation that might even address your concern or perspective.

WHAT NOT TO SAY AND WHY

“Now you’re just being dumb” (or some other insult) Avoid personal attacks. Refrain from making personal insults, name-calling, or derogatory comments about the person you disagree with. Stick to discussing ideas and opinions rather than attacking the individual.

Don't dismiss their perspective: Avoid phrases like "You're wrong" or "That's ridiculous." Such statements can be dismissive and express contempt for the other person and shut down the conversation. Instead, try to understand their viewpoint before presenting your own.  Keep the conversation about the idea and not the person.

Avoid making it personal: Keep the focus on the topic or issue at hand, and don't bring up unrelated personal matters, grudges, or past disagreements.

“You really should have…” is an admonishment that isn’t going to go over well in a disagreement.  In order to keep a conversation civil when tensions are running high, you will want to save any kind of corrections or suggestions for a time when they can be offered and heard in a constructive way.

I like to challenge myself to be curious – “in what way is the other person right?” This reminds me that most people enter a disagreement with the basic assumption that they are right.  When I can connect to this and restate it in a way they feel heard, it increases the likelihood they will hear me out as well.

Don't use absolutes: Avoid phrases like "always" and "never" when expressing your disagreement, as they can come across as overly rigid and may not accurately represent the other person's position.

Avoid condescending tones: Speaking down to someone (either making your word choice overly simplified when it is not called for or exaggerating or elongating words for effect) or using a condescending tone can escalate the conflict and make the conversation unproductive. Treat the other person with respect and courtesy.

“Let me just interrupt you right there…” Don't interrupt: Allow the other person to finish their thoughts before you respond. Interrupting can be seen as disrespectful and can hinder effective communication.

Avoid sarcasm: Sarcasm or even jokes at the expense of the other person can easily be misinterpreted and may escalate tensions. It's better to be straightforward and clear in your communication.

Don't exaggerate or make assumptions: Stick to the facts and avoid exaggerating or making assumptions about the other person's position or intentions. Misrepresenting their viewpoint can lead to further misunderstanding.

Avoid overgeneralizing: Be specific in your disagreements and avoid making broad, sweeping statements. Provide evidence or examples to support your viewpoint.

Don't use emotional manipulation: Avoid guilt-tripping, emotional manipulation, or trying to make the other person feel bad for their opinion. This is not a constructive way to engage in a disagreement.

Avoid one-upping: Don't try to outdo the other person by listing your accomplishments or knowledge to diminish their perspective. Instead, focus on the merits of the argument itself.

Don't make it a competition: Avoid turning the disagreement into a competition to see who can "win" the argument. The goal should be to arrive at a better understanding or resolution, not to prove yourself right. Once you are focused on “winning” you have probably lost.

STRUGGLING TO BE HONEST

If you are struggling to be honest, but you disagree try these things:

1.     Practice active listening: Start by actively listening to the other person's perspective without immediately responding or expressing your disagreement (a nonjudgmental/curious stance). This gives you a chance to fully understand their viewpoint, motivations, and concerns. Active listening shows respect and empathy, which can help create a more open and receptive atmosphere for a productive conversation.

Why it's beneficial: Active listening allows you to gather information and insights that can inform your response when you do decide to express your disagreement. It also demonstrates your willingness to engage in a thoughtful dialogue rather than simply contradicting the other person.

2.     Choose the right moment: Timing is crucial when expressing disagreement. Look for an appropriate and respectful moment to share your perspective, rather than immediately challenging the other person's viewpoint. Consider the context and environment to ensure that your conversation can be conducted in a calm and focused manner.

Why it's beneficial: Picking the right moment reduces the likelihood of an emotionally charged or confrontational exchange. It allows both parties to engage more rationally and constructively, increasing the chances of a productive discussion. Remember, just because you disagree, it doesn’t mean you need to give voice to that disagreement right now.  Sometimes the best path forward is to pause and not try to “solve the problem”, but to create empathy and empathic attunement (this is from the work of John and Julie Gottman)

3.     Use "I" statements: When you're ready to express your disagreement, use "I" statements to communicate how you feel or what you think without placing blame or making the other person defensive. It can be very tricky – even in my practice with clients as we role-play these conversations I will slip up.  My goal is to get the “you” out of the statement. For example, say, "I see things differently because..." instead of "You're wrong." This approach takes ownership of your perspective and promotes a more respectful and non-confrontational tone. I especially like and use the “Compliment, I feel ___, I need ___” approach in conflict. 

Why it's beneficial: "I" statements focus on your feelings and thoughts rather than making the other person feel attacked or criticized. They encourage open dialogue and are less likely to escalate the situation into an argument. With “compliment, I feel ___, I need___” it helps to remind you and the other person about what you like and respect about the other individual or their perspective.  Then you can be very clear about your emotional experience, finally, you have a chance to share what you need in a transparent way.  This gives your listener a chance to help out or collaborate.  

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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What is the "the boyfriend effect" people are talking about on TikTok?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

The "boyfriend effect" is real.  Gen Z doesn't have a lock on this effect, they just have social media platforms to talk about it.  We have long known that when people get into committed relationships they tend to dress down a bit, gain weight, and there have even been studies that show when women are married to men, the men live long, but women's longevity is diminished.  

Cis Het women traditionally and generally speaking feel a pull to "care take".  This is likely socialization at work.  We women (I can put myself in that category) get into long term relationships and we tend to make sure our partners (and anyone else in the relationship, i.e. kids) get taken care of first.  We have been trained from an early age to meet the needs of others before our own.  In doing so, we can "forget" or neglect our own needs.  This probably results in the "girlfriend effect" by which women tend to help men stay healthy by encouraging them to go to the doctor etc.  We likely do other things like clean, do laundry, and cook, which are often of great benefit to the men we date or marry.

None of this is a harbinger of doom for you or your relationship, but likely this current generation is noticing these changes and is asking themselves a very important question, "Is this what I want and does it fit with who I am?"  Sometimes we are giving our impossible beauty standard a break and that might be a good thing.  We can then celebrate our natural beauty, We are finally not having to "try so hard to be enough".  That is a wonderful thing, but for those women who feel lost without those pieces of their identity, they have been experiencing anxiety or depression because they have let too much go.  Maybe in those cases their expectations were not realistic or they forgot to keep their own needs a priority.  In those situations you see women saying they are not showering and don't want to get out of bed.  In those cases, it might be time to seek some therapy help.

Relationships are funny things because we can be one version of ourselves when we enter a relationship and yet leave feeling like we have changed (sometimes for the good and at others for the bad).  It is always important to have a voice in your relationship.  If this is slipping away you can start by sharing the concern with your partner.  In healthy relationships we see the other turn "turn toward" our needs (a Gottman concept) and help us.  If your partner is dismissive of this, then it might be time to seek the help of a therapist.  At play can be things like attachment style or unhealthy beliefs about self that can lead to losing oneself inside of a relationship.   

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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What is "sleep debt"?

Recently Dr. Dan Kessler was asked that very question. Here's his response:

It is important to think of missing sleep not as borrowing money you need to return, but rather as missing a meal or two. If you borrow money, it accumulates and you have to pay it all back. If you skip a meal or two, let's say because you are sick, you just have to have a decent meal and you are back to feeling better. You don't have to eat three meals worth of food to be satiated. 

Now if you were to miss a meal every day, or miss a lot of meals, you'd have to make that up over time in order to gain back weight, and with sleep there does seem to be an impact of missing sleep day after day, but again, you don't have to make up all of that sleep over time. You just have to get solid and stable sleep on an ongoing basis in order to "catch up" and be back to being okay. You still don't have to "pay back" all the missed sleep on an hour for hour basis. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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Why should you go to therapy, even if you don't think you need it?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

Sometimes we go to therapy, even if we don't think we need it. The times when this is most important are when people are giving you the same feedback again and again (eg. hearing the same complaints from multiple people). Therapists can help you see that it likely isn't "them", it might be "you". 

It might also be a good idea to try therapy when you have a "feeling you just can't shake". Sometimes we don't know why a feeling is "hanging around", but if that's the case, maybe some personal work will help you resolve it.

I also love the idea of therapy when you are the "healthy" individual in an unhealthy relationship because it can really help you put some things in perspective and step away from letting yourself feel hurt again and again by the same patterns. 

Talk therapy can be useful when wanting to take the next steps in your career because talking with a neutral party can help hold up a mirror and identify patterns that are holding you back. Talk therapy isn't just for "mental health reasons" it's really for those who are ready to grow and change old patterns.

Last, I think therapy is a great idea when you are anticipating major life changes (marriage/divorce, kids, moves, new jobs, or even a death of a loved one). Talking with an expert BEFORE these things happen can help normalize thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of yourself/others, leading you to be less harsh on yourself and others when they do occur. It can help you be more confident as you navigate life's most challenging moments, cope when it is tough, and know that you are not alone. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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How do you get unstuck?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked that very question. Here's her response:

Getting unstuck can be tricky. The best way I navigate this is:

1. Take a moment to listen to my self-talk - really listen. This is the step that I find most people skip. If I can identify what my internal dialogue is saying, I can find the reason I am stuck. 

2. Challenge the things I'm telling myself that are keeping me stuck. 

3. Am I stuck in "motion vs action"? Am I stuck in the planning phase when taking action will do? I can revise as I go. 

4. Identify the "next smallest step" that I need to take in order to say that I "started" whatever task I'm stuck on. Sometimes this is just "putting my name at the top of the paper", committing to 5 min of an activity, or even just doing the thing that is closest to me and then doing the next thing. 

5. Review my progress and process so that next time I keep in mind what worked and use it for fuel next time.

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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What do you do when you feel lonely?

Recently, Dr. Gayle MacBride was asked just that. Here's her response:

When I am lonely I try to identify what might be causing that feeling. I'm an ambivert and need a good balance of social contact and alone time. If I realize that I need some social time, then I think about which friend might be able to help me fill that need. I might call a close friend for deep conversation, or seek out a friend who is available to sit on the porch or around a bonfire for some camaraderie. I also make plans in advance with friends, we have a standing dinner night. This latter strategy helps if I'm feeling lonely and can help myself by just looking forward to something enjoyable. 

Other times I have felt lonely, even when I'm with people. This kind of loneliness has to do with me feeling excluded or even worse, like I'm not enough/don't belong. This kind of lonely is really hard because this is when personal worth can get a little shaky. The only solution here is to really listen to myself and get myself straight. That means I need to focus on accurate self-talk and not negative comparisons with the others around me. Sometimes I just need to remind myself that it's ok if I don't fit into every group or always have something interesting to contribute to the conversation. It can be enough to listen and ask questions. This self-talk reminds me to really let others shine. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms?

A client recently asked Dr. Gayle MacBride about Cameron Diaz's comment about sleeping in separate bedrooms. Here's Dr. MacBride's response.

A growing number of Americans are choosing to sleep separately. There can be some benefits to this arrangement, but there can also be a cost associated with it. 

The benefit of sleeping in separate rooms may include getting better quality sleep and we know that feeling well-rested can lead us to be our better selves, maybe even leading to less arguing and bickering that comes from feeling sleep deprived. 

• Improved Sleep Quality: If one partner snores loudly, tosses and turns frequently, or has different sleep schedules, sleeping separately can lead to better sleep quality for both individuals. I have been a therapist at the Department of Veterans Affairs and sometimes Vets are reluctant to sleep with partners because they thrash about and might accidentally strike a bed partner. 

• Reduced Disturbances: Some people are light sleepers and easily disturbed by their partner's movements, snoring, or CPAP machine. Sleeping separately can reduce these disturbances and promote better rest. Also, in my practice I sometimes see people who sleep separately because one person in the partner wants/needs to sleep with a pet, but this same pet is disruptive to the other partner. They will sometimes sleep in separate rooms to accommodate both. Similarly, if your bed partner has nightmares and the result is that they become very sweaty, then it may work better for them to sleep in a different room. This is also true if your bed partner is a woman who is going through menopause and having sleep disturbances related to this hormonal change. Often these women can require a change of sleep-wear, sheets, and fans or ice packs to cope with significant temperature changes at night.

• Independence: It can provide each partner with their own personal space, which may be important for some individuals who value their independence and alone time. This might even include a partner who has trauma in their past. For these people it can be difficult to share a room because they may struggle to feel safe or settled enough to sleep well. 

• Health and Hygiene: If one partner is sick or contagious, sleeping separately can help prevent the spread of illness. This being said, this is not a routine reason to sleep separately. 

Routinely sleeping in a separate bedroom can have a negative impact on the long term health of your relationship. While this arrangement may be growing in popularity, there are distinct costs associated with this choice that should be considered before you make this choice for you and your relationship. 

• Reduced Intimacy: One of the most common concerns is that it can lead to a decrease in physical intimacy and emotional connection between partners. Sleeping in the same bed with a romantic partner can release oxytocin. Oxytocin, often referred to as the "love hormone" or "bonding hormone," it is a neuropeptide that plays a crucial role in social bonding, trust, and emotional connection. It is released in various situations, including during physical touch, intimacy, and bonding experiences. When you sleep in close physical proximity to your romantic partner, such as cuddling, hugging, or simply sleeping together, the physical contact and emotional connection can stimulate the release of oxytocin. This hormone can contribute to feelings of love, affection, and attachment between partners. Oxytocin is not exclusively released during sleep but can also be released during moments of physical affection, sexual activity, and other bonding experiences. This chemical plays a significant role in promoting emotional intimacy and strengthening the connection between romantic partners.

• Communication Issues: If couples are not sharing a bedroom, it may reduce opportunities for casual conversations, bonding, and pillow talk. Pillow talk can be some of the most important connection and communication opportunities during a busy day, especially if you have young children. Time together in bed is the time we talk about the dream we just had or to share small bits of information that may seem superficially meaningless, but help contribute to what the Gottmans (relationship experts) call Love Maps (which is your understanding of your partner). 

• Physical Closeness: Sharing a bed allows couples to experience physical closeness and touch, which can contribute to a sense of intimacy and connection. Cuddling, holding hands, and other forms of physical affection are more accessible when sleeping together. Frankly, sometimes when one partner has sleep trouble, like insomnia, we may instruct them to "go to bed" with their partner with the intention of cuddling, which results in them relaxing enough to sleep while getting them around the temptation of "sleep effort". Sleep effort is the term we use when someone is "trying to fall asleep", which can be counter productive to sleep. 

• Emotional Bonding: The act of sleeping side by side can create a feeling of emotional intimacy and security. This physical proximity can lead to more spontaneous conversations, sharing of thoughts and feelings, and a deeper emotional connection. Again, there may be a role for helping soothe a partner if they struggle to feel safe at night due to trauma or anxiety. If the latter is true, then it gives your partner a chance to "show up" for you. 

• Shared Experiences: When couples share a bed, they experience daily routines and rituals together, such as going to bed and waking up at the same time. These shared experiences can strengthen the bond between partners and foster a sense of togetherness.

• Intimacy and Sexuality: For many couples, the bedroom is a space where they engage in physical intimacy and sexual activity. Sleeping in the same bed provides easy access to physical intimacy, which can be an important aspect of a romantic relationship. There may be an increase in spontaneity or simply logistical access. 

• Bonded Sleep Patterns: Sharing a bed often encourages couples to align their sleep patterns, which can be beneficial for maintaining a harmonious daily routine and minimizing sleep-related disruptions.

• Perception of Problems: Some people may perceive sleeping separately as a sign of relationship problems, which can contribute to stigma or misunderstandings. If you are not both aligned with sleeping in separate rooms and one person is only "just ok" with that arrangement, it can create problems and resentments. 

• Societal Expectations: Society often promotes the idea of couples sharing a bed, so there may be external pressure or judgment from others. It may even be the reason that one person in the relationship isn't really ok with sleeping separately. 

• Cost and Space: For me Cameron Diaz's recent comments about sleeping separately were just a bit tone deaf. Our current economy has many people struggling financially. This means they do not have a separate bedroom, it means that sleeping separately will require one of the people to be sleeping on a couch or in another more public area of the home. It's just not feasible to have separate bedrooms, let alone separate houses as she suggests. This kind of arrangement can be very costly at a time when two-income households are "just making it" or one person needs a second job. This additional pressure almost certainly will contribute to unhappiness and problems in the relationship. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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Happy (Almost) New Year!--Resolutions.

For many of us the New Year brings resolutions with the hope of improving ourselves and our lives. However, we can also find ourselves struggling to stick to these well-intentioned plans. Today I hope to help set realistic, achievable New Year's resolutions and provide ideas to stay on track.

Tip 1: Set Specific and Achievable Goals: 

The key to a successful resolution is specificity and realism. Instead of vague goals like "get fit" or "save money," be more specific. For example, "exercise for 30 minutes three times a week" or "save $100 every month." This clarity makes your goals more tangible and easier to manage.

Tip 2: Break It Down into Smaller Steps

Large goals can be overwhelming. Break them down into smaller, more manageable steps. If your resolution is to write a book, start with writing a certain number of words each day or outline one chapter per week. Celebrate these small victories – they add up to big achievements. I often ask people “what is the smallest step you can take and still say that you are working on your goal?”  That is often the best place to start with breaking down a task or goal. 

Tip 3: Track Your Progress and Stay Accountable

Keep a journal, use an app, or simply mark your calendar to track your progress. Make tracking and accountability obvious.  These tools should be set up so that you can’t miss seeing them and they should be as easy as possible to use. 

Conclusion

Remember, the New Year is not just about setting resolutions but also about embracing a continuous journey of self-improvement. Stay focused on making small and consistent changes that are sustainable all year long. There is no such thing as 21 or 90 days to build a habit.  It takes a lifetime of engagement and intention!. Here's to a year of growth, achievement, and fulfillment!

Best Wishes for a Prosperous New Year!

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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Can you (and/or should you) be friends with your ex's new partner?

That's a question Dr. Gayle MacBride gets from time to time, so she put together some thoughts to help guide people in similar situations. 

Becoming friends with an ex's new partner is very tricky and for the most part isn't something that people do for all the reasons you can imagine:

1. This is emotionally complex and will take a great deal of emotional maturity on the behalf of ALL involved.  One of you can spoil this delicate balance. 

2. Unresolved feelings - this can be hard because sometimes you don't realize you have feelings until you see them happy or unhappy with someone else. 

3. These unresolved feelings can lead you to do or say things you should with the new partner

4. Awkward moments - you know WAAAAY too much about this potential new friend's partner (aka your ex), then where does your new partner fit in this whole thing?

5. Drama. Sometimes people outside of the three of you might even stir this up (knowingly or unknowingly) this will be perceived as pretty juicy. 

6. The two of you might be able to swing it, but has the ex consented to this new friendship and vice versa, does the new partner feel ok with you being back in the life of your former flame?

It is possible and maybe even a good idea in certain circumstances:

1. Maybe you were independently friends with this person before they were dating your ex.

2. It might be ok if you share common interests that are outside of your ex (the topics of your talks should NOT be about your ex, especially comparing details of intimate moments, telling tales about the ex's family with the new partner, or "dishing" on your break up - if you talk about this stick to facts and keep it simple, remember this new partner cares for your ex ).

3. Most tricky is if you BOTH have truly moved on and neither of you harbor feelings, AND the new partner also agrees that they are comfortable with this arrangement.  If you've both moved on but the new partner doesn't feel secure in this, it can lead to problems. 

4. If you and the ex have children together and you continue to co-parent, then being friends or friendly with the ex's new partner might be helpful.  This is especially true if they are a fairly significant person in your ex's life. 

5. It can be easier to accomplish this if you both have a good network of people to support you both.  It's problematic if the people in your support systems are corrosive to any of the relationships in question. 

6. All involved need to have very good boundaries and be comfortable asking about and negotiating "what's ok and what's not ok" 

I like using Brene Brown's 7 elements of trust here: boundaries, reliability, accountability, the vault, integrity, non-judgment, and generosity. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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Coping with the Holiday Stress: Tips for a Joyful Season

As the holiday season approaches, with its festive lights and joyful gatherings, it's easy to overlook the stress that often accompanies this time of year. Amidst the cheer and merriment, the pressure of holiday preparations, and family dynamics can weigh heavily on many of us. We would like to offer a bit of  practical advice for managing holiday stress, ensuring that the season remains a time of joy and celebration for everyone.

• Plan Ahead: Organize your holiday tasks early. Whether it’s shopping, cooking, or decorating, a well-thought-out plan can prevent last-minute rushes and the stress they bring. Consider using apps or a planner to keep track of your to-do lists and deadlines.

• Set Realistic Expectations: Remember, perfection is not the goal; enjoying time with loved ones is. It's okay if the cookies aren’t perfectly shaped or if the decorations are a bit askew.  What matters most is the warmth and spirit of the season.

• Take Time for Yourself: Amidst the hustle and bustle, don’t forget to care for yourself. A quiet walk, a relaxing bath, or just an hour with a good book can recharge your batteries and reduce stress levels.

• Stay Healthy: Don’t let the holidays disrupt your healthy habits. Eat balanced meals, get plenty of sleep, and engage in regular physical activity. This will keep your energy levels up and stress levels down.

• Seek Support If Needed: If you find the stress overwhelming, don’t hesitate to seek support. Talking to a friend, family member, or a professional can provide relief and perspective.

Remember, the essence of the holidays is not in the grandeur of celebrations, but in the joy and love shared with those around us. By managing stress effectively, we can all ensure a happier, healthier holiday season. Let’s make this time of year a truly magical and stress-free one for everyone!

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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A Few Words About Sleep

First, a quick disclaimer: this cannot substitute for an evaluation by a medical professional and this little article doesn’t constitute medical advice. 

I think we all have heard that sleep is very important not only to your mental health but your physical health and longevity. This is true. There can be many reasons we are not sleeping well and getting good sleep might only seem like something other people can get. We hear and read many things about sleep, but it can be hard to know what to believe, and it can get complicated trying to follow all the advice out there. 

When my business partner and I treat sleep disorders, we try to make it far less complicated and we tackle some of the myths out there (and I’ll tell you there is a fair bit of misinformation out there). I think most of us know that sleep needs change from childhood into adulthood, but after that did you know that our need largely remains the same? What does change as we age is what that looks like in terms of how the sleep cycle changes. We can start to experience more wakings at night, especially toward the morning hours.

Another myth out there is that a “good night’s sleep” is one in which we do not wake. This is simply not true. Most of us wake during the night (and no, it’s not just your bladder). Waking during sleep time is normal and the hope/expectation is to be able to return to sleep relatively quickly. The key to this is to not stress out that you have awoken or to count how many hours or minutes you have until you must be up for the day. 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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Three Common Misconceptions about Sleep

Sleep is essential for our health and well-being. It helps us recharge our batteries, improves brain function, and supports a healthy immune system. However, there are still many myths and false beliefs about sleep that are circulating. In this post, we'll address the most common misconceptions and set things straight.

• Misconception #1: You can catch up on lost sleep over the weekend: Raise your hand if you've ever stayed up too late working on a project or binging a show and thought, "it's okay, I'll catch up on sleep this weekend." We've all been there, but unfortunately, it's not that simple. Trying to compensate for missed sleep during the week by sleeping longer on the weekends can actually throw your body's natural sleep-wake cycle off balance, making it harder to fall asleep and stay asleep during the following week. Experts recommend sticking to a consistent sleep schedule as much as possible, even on weekends.

• Misconception #2: Everyone needs 8 hours of sleep each night: While 8 hours of sleep may be the recommended amount for the average adult, the amount of sleep needed can vary from person to person. Some people may feel refreshed after 6 hours of sleep, while others may need up to 9. It's important to pay attention to your body's individual needs and adjust your sleep schedule accordingly.

• Misconception #3: Snoring is harmless: Snoring can be annoying to bed partners, but it can also be a sign of a potentially serious sleep disorder called sleep apnea. In sleep apnea, breathing repeatedly stops and starts during the night, causing disrupted sleep and leading to an increased risk of heart disease and stroke. If you or a loved one snore regularly, it's important to consult a healthcare professional to rule out sleep apnea and determine the best course of treatment.

In conclusion, sleep is incredibly important for our health, and it's essential that we bust these common misconceptions for the sake of our well-being. Remember, the best way to ensure a good night's sleep is to establish a consistent sleep schedule, make your sleep environment comfortable and distraction-free, and pay attention to your body's individual needs. Sweet dreams! 

Veritas Psychology Partners offers telehealth psychology services in 41+ states.

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